


Becoming Zhed (Becoming Her)

by 42Forever



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: A bit of racism, Alternate Universe - High School, Canon Trans Character, Christmas, Christmastime, EVERYONE is in high school together, F/F, F/M, HS AU, I mean Kara is trans, I try to be kind to Kara, I'll let y'all be the judges of how bad I did with that, LGBTQ representation, Outing, So..., Supergirl is trans!, Traditions, Trans Characters, a mix of a.) my life b.) Supergirl and c.) what I wish my life had been like, and mostly write what I know, and racist behaviour, but I'll try to be considerate in depicting it, but the story starts in grade eight, not canon trans character, rating will probably change especially once they're in hs, some transphobia for sure, sorry - Freeform, star tree topper, through spoken stereotypes, trans girl rep, trans kids supporting trans kids, trans rep, trust me I'm a trans girl myself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:46:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23534035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/42Forever/pseuds/42Forever
Summary: This is a hs au of Supergirl, with as many characters from the show put in as I can make them fit. However, in this story Kara is a trans girl. I love the representation we do have on the show, both with trans folks and queerness in general, but this idea has been percolating for a little bit. Plus I've read some great other works on here that engage with both that specific idea or other characters being trans.Please enjoy especially if you're trans, this is kinda *especially* for all the trans Supergirl fans out there, but anyone is welcome to enjoy certainly!
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers
Comments: 44
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so a few more notes before we jump right in with Chapter 1...
> 
> The title - I used a little Kryptonian, thanks to kryptonian.info. It (should) translate fully into English as "Becoming Her."
> 
> Also, this story starts when Kara is in the midst of eighth grade, with Alex a year ahead of her. When the story begins, she hasn't even really begun her journey of self-discovery yet. So for pronouns, the story begins, referring to Kara using they/them. Especially as I didn't feel like deadnaming her at least not much. In the end I did what I said just now about the pronouns (until she comes into her own more). In terms of her name, she has two names to begin with in this story. One was given to her upon arrival on Earth, and the other was her Kryptonian given name. She doesn't care for either of them, as you'll see. In thinking about it though I decided to use her Earth-given deadname - though sparingly - and never use her Kryptonian deadname.
> 
> Also, this story will have romance and relationships. I ship Supercorp and you'll see that reflected in here, BUT that is all secondary to Kara and her journey in finding herself and becoming more confident in the young girl she is.
> 
> Lastly, this is my first fanfic I've ever written or posted. So...please be nice...or at least not too mean! I would love it, if you do read this that you post a comment of any sort (but obvs you don't have to). :)  
> I can't guarantee the quality of the writing of this story, but I do hope that you enjoyed it at least a bit. :) Especially all y'all trans Supergirl fans - I know y'all are out there!
> 
> Oh, and just thanks for taking the time for reading this!!

NOVEMBER, WEDNESDAY

The child of Alura and Zor-El was not having a good day. To be clear, the day was just getting started, but nevertheless the child was not having a good day. Said child, far off from where their home planet of Krypton once stood, now living on the planet Earth, was to put it mildly still adjusting. Or at least that’s what they kept telling themself. “I mean,” they would say, “it must take quite an adjustment period. I came here from a faraway planet, spent years in the Phantom Zone, and now have all these powers. I mean that’s a lot of change. That must take quite an adjustment period. It must. Right?”

This was not the first time such an inner monologue had been uttered by the sullen teenager. Nor was it the first time that such a monologue ended in such a hope-filled question either. And again, much to their frustration, the teen would receive no answer. Not even bothering to consider that part of why there was no response each time was for the lack of spoken words. 

They had never in all their 13 years of life feel as alone as they did now. “But why?” they thought, “I have a sister now. I have parents…Rao I already had parents…” The last part let out aloud though barely audibly. 

They sigh loudly, and started again, knowing that Eliza would not appreciate it if they were late for school again.

“Kyle! Are you getting ready?” their adoptive mother, Eliza Danvers asked

“Yes! I am!” They responded, somewhat frustratedly in their stilted English. 

“Ok, just checking,” Eliza responded. “I don’t want you late again, Kyle.”

And there it was. Twice in just a few sentences. That name. “Kyle.”

“KYLE! Get out of the bathroom!” 

There it was again. Loud enough this time to get them out of their thoughts and back to focusing on the task at hand. Right. Alex needed to use the bathroom too. Of course. 

With that proclamation from Alex serving as their needed drive, they hurried up and finished getting ready. Alex wasn’t too far behind. Soon enough they left the house for the walk to Midvale Middle School, Alex kissing her mum goodbye, while the other of two teens trying to shrug off the kiss that Eliza insisted upon. 

And so, they began their walk to school. 

Their walks to school together had started out very fun and friendly – the two of them trading stories - Alex of Earth while the Kryptonian would do the same of Krypton. Both of them asking questions. It was only rather recently that the stranger in the strange land began folding inward. Hardly talking unless spoken to. 

Truth be told it freaked Alex out a little more than a bit. She had enjoyed those walks together. It had been like this special time together, with just her and her quirky, alien little brother. But now things had shifted, and she wasn’t sure how or why. She supposed that he was going through puberty now – and heck, she thought this was alien puberty – who knows what that’s like…? What she did know was that she wasn’t enjoying these walks now very much. No, not at all. 

For the Kryptonian beside her however, it was a bit of a different story.  
They enjoyed these walks for they gave them time to think. Think and create mental, if not physical distance from everyone. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Rao! Let it be known,” the young Kryptonian thought as they walked beside their new sister, “except let it not be known as I’m not ready to tell anyone yet…well except for you, Great Rao…” They sighed, as they kicked a small stone in front of them. “…But…I am not fond of this whole ‘Kyle’ business.” 

This had been the case since the name had been flung to them, but no one else knew. What would the teen say? How would they say it?

Everyone had agreed that their Kryptonian name was “too hard to pronounce” and so – Kyle it was. 

But there was something so off about it to them. Something not right. “Truth be told,” they thought, “there seem to be a great many things ‘off’ in my life right now. Things ‘not right’ – not even counting really the whole, ‘my planet exploded, I’m one of the last of my kind, and am now on a whole new planet, and have to hide who I am.” They looked up towards Rao, or where they supposed Rao must still be even on this new planet. Then they looked around, and with a large scowl on their face started walking faster. 

Alex, for her part, tried to keep up but struggled, as the Kryptonian was taking advantage of the moment and walking just a little faster than reasonably possible for a human. 

In the younger teen’s mind things were going at least as fast as their feet:

“Slow down! You know you’re not supposed to be using your powers, certainly not out in the open like this.”

“Its who I am though! Why hide behind some stupid mask? I am who I am and who I am can walk faster than others.”

“Rao! ‘Who I am?’! What does that even mean…”

“No, stop. You know who you are! Of course, you do. How can you not know something as basic as that?”

“Then why does it all feel so wrong!?!” 

At that they came to a screeching halt. And the tears came. And Alex caught up, almost but not quite out of breath. And it just was too much for them. Too much. They just felt this wave of intense emotion wash over, and, and, and…it was just too much. 

Alex still not really clueing into what was happening gave off a tired, but haughty sounding, “Hey! Not cool bro!” unintentionally adding to the weight the young alien was feeling. 

Just as they were starting their breathing exercises (they had learned early in their time on Earth that breathing exercises wouldn’t just be helpful with controlling their powers), Alex noticed that something was wrong. 

“Hey buddy…you ok?” Alex asked knowing with a mix of certainty, apprehension, and worry that things most definitely were not. She looked at them, her worry growing when she saw that their eyes were glowing.

“Yeah,” they said, followed by a barely audible, “no.” 

Alex continued to look at them…unsure, well the both of them unsure as to what to do next.

The young alien turned back to her and said to her in a voice that sounded the most uncertain she had heard from them in a while, “Let’s just get to school. I can see the building now. Don’t worry about me.”

She looked ahead seeing the middle school not too far ahead and then the high school where she was heading a bit further off from there. 

She sighed a heavy sigh. She pinched the bridge of her nose, thinking to herself, “It is too early for this – no. I should be there for him.” She looked back at them, seeing that the red glow was fading quickly from their eyes. She sighed again, trying to make it smaller and quieter this time. 

“Let’s go,” she said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we meet Eliza and Nia, for example. Some time at school, mostly troubling stuff, BUT Kara meets a new friend???? 
> 
> Thanks for reading and leave a comment if you'd like!

They arrived at school, having mumbled their goodbyes to Alex a little way away from the middle school itself.   
They were in eighth grade, which as they’d learned meant they only had one year at this school before they’d move on to high school. 

“Rao so many new things, new terms, new concepts, new—” they thought as they closed their locker door, “people.” 

As they turned the saw someone standing where their locker door had been. They looked, agape, at the stranger there. Whoever they were, they had a certain beauty about them. 

The stranger, tired of waiting on the other party, stretched out their hand saying, “Nia. Nia Nal. God! I sound like I think I’m James Bond! Well, sort of. I’m not that suave. Well sort of. Well—I’m not James Bond! So there.” Finally, this new person, Nia looked, really looked at the person in front of her. What she saw was a timid, and shy person, a worried person too. But more importantly to her in that moment, she saw someone who was deeply confused. About what, she couldn’t be sure, but she could certainly guess that part of it was— “God! I’m rambling, aren’t I? Sorry. I can’t help it. Anyway! I’m Nia.”

She waited, assuming there would be an answer or a response. 

After a beat or two, the other teen gave in and said, as timidly as they could, “K-k-yle. Kyle Danvers.” 

Nia looked back at them, and suddenly had a feeling. She didn’t know the full story, and she knew that, but she couldn’t help seeing what she thought was someone who needed help. And for the moment she decided, part of the help she would give would be not to use that name that to her, at least sounded horrific. “And you know,” she thought “I could be wrong – God I could be so wrong, about this! But! I might not be! Anyway…point being…I think they think that name sounds horrific too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Kryptonian was distracted the rest of the day. “It could be worse,” they thought. “I could be crying in the middle of class. I could be losing control of my powers. I could be…” They tried refocusing and in doing so looked up to find their eyes locked on the prettiest girl they’d ever seen. 

They suddenly felt very calm and almost…no…yeah! Happy!? They didn’t even know this girl’s name (“Yet!” they tried telling themelf), but they were just so happy suddenly with the knowledge that she was there. “There’s definitely something calming about her,” they thought, “well, and she is veerry pretty…”

They looked back down. Their mind was going to a million places today it would seem.

Looking back down at what they were writing, they frowned. It had nothing to do with the class, though that wasn’t why they frowned. 

Recognising that they were frowning, their frown deepened.

They look even further down, and their frown deepened even further.

There on the piece of crisp, notebook paper was written their name. Their Kryptonian name. The one given to them on Krypton, by their Kryptonian parents, their real parents…

…One that also felt so “off,” so “wrong” to them.

Down below their desk, was another matter. “Ugh,” they thought, “here we go again. Its probably just because I was looking at that very pretty girl.”

“‘Just,’” they thought. “Right. Because there was nothing else weird going on my life right now. Not like I need another weird or annoying thing to mess with me…” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLASHBACK, LATE MARCH

Not too long after the young teen had arrived on Earth did their new adoptive parents decide it was time for “the talk.”

Alex could be heard groaning as she approached the couch, having a sense of what was to come. 

Sadly, for the young alien they received no warning.

“So, Kyle though we’re not 100% certain how to do this with you as we’re not exactly experts in Kryptonian biology, we still think it’s helpful for you to listen, as not only might it apply to you and your body, but it gives you a better sense and appreciation of humans.”

Alex could be heard letting out a loud groan, beside them. 

“Alexandra!”

“Mom!”

“Alright, moving on!” said Jeremiah. 

That evening they learned a lot. Though some of it was familiar from just before leaving Krypton, most of it was new. It was a lot to process, but everything was a lot to process it seemed for them then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PRESENT, NOVEMBER, SAME WEDNESDAY

When the class finally finished, they got up somewhat quickly, throwing their things in their bag, and slung it over their shoulder. As they were leaving the room, they noticed the girl from earlier – the really pretty one – and suddenly their lips turned into a smile. 

However, someone else noticed and decided that it was time to familiarise himself with the new kid. Ben Lockwood saddled up next to them, “Hey new kid! – I mean - Danvers!”

They looked at the other kid, “Ben,” they remembered his name being. They let themselves show a small smile at being called “Danvers.” They didn’t know why but they knew they definitely preferred it to Rao that other name.

“Listen,” Ben continued, “I’m known as a bit of a matchmaker at school here and seeing as how you’re new and all I thought help you out a bit. Find a girl to, you know…”

Unfortunately, they did know. “What was it with people on this planet, or at least the youth and their crude hand gestures and bodily movements?” they thought to themself.

The young alien let out a small nod. In acknowledgement. Unfortunately for them, Ben took it not only as acknowledgement but as agreement.   
“Fuck yeah Danvers! I knew you knew what’s up! So, what’s her name? You were more than a little obvious in your ogling of the Luthor girl.”

The kid from Krypton walked down the hallway beside Ben Lockwood, without a word uttered by them.

“Ok. Fine. Be that way. I know there’s someone but if you don’t want to tell then that’s your loss. You could’ve been cool, too, Danvers! You know, the Lockwood method has a 100% same-day success rate!” The last part was yelled down the hallway as he started walking away.

“More like failure rate!” someone yelled out near the younger Danvers teen. 

Said teen turned to find the kind girl from earlier, “Nia,” they remembered. 

“Hey,” Nia said, turning to them as she said it.

“Hey,” the other teen shyly responded, with a slight nod of their head as well.

Nia gave a light laugh, saying, “At least that was the last class and we don’t have to worry about him anymore today.” 

They smiled. They felt somewhat comfortable around Nia. Even more comfortable than around Ben, even when he was pretending to be nice. Though it made sense, they supposed why that was, given Ben’s quick change of character. 

Nia caught the smile and smiled back.

“Can we walk a bit…together?” Nia asked her new friend. Well, she hoped she could call them a friend. 

“That would be nice,” was the given response. 

They started walking through the halls, and the masses of students heading home when the young Danvers teen suddenly remembered – “Oh! I’m sorry Nia,” (“I’m sorry” – that had been one of the first phrases they had learned on Earth) “I just remembered – my sister Alex will be waiting for me to walk home with her. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it! Here, if you don’t mind maybe I can meet this sister of yours, and maybe we can walk home together – you and I a different route from your sister, even? What do you say?”

The Kryptonian thought about it. “On the one hand,” they thought, “I always appreciate the time in my head, to myself on the walks home. On the other hand, this Nia seemed nice, seemed genuine, and wanted to hang out…with me!”

Next thing they knew they were timidly agreeing with Nia, saying, “Well, let’s see what Alex says at least…” 

“I mean, if she says no, I’ll see you at school tomorrow, right? It’s win-win,” said Nia.

And so, they left the school, the two of them starting to walk in the direction of the high school. 

Not too long later they got to the halfway point between the two schools. 

“So, Alex, eh?” Nia said, just a touch curious about the new kid’s sister.

“Yeah, what of it? Who are you?” responded Alex suddenly right there, and ready to make her presence known. She was clearly already in over-protective-big-sister mode after seeing this new person near Kyle and remembering the incident from this morning.

“Oh. Hi! I’m Nia. Nia Nal.”

“Alex, this a new friend of mine,” they said as they tried giving Alex a small smile.

Nia smiled wide at that and gave the Kryptonian a small hug. Alex, for her part let a small smile past, but suddenly became all business.   
“That’s great Kyle, but,” turning back to Nia, “you still haven’t answered my question. Also, are you Canadian or something, I repeat, “Alex, eh?” 

“Got something against Canadians, eh?” Nia responded, surprising herself with the bite she’d let seep in.

“Um. No.” Alex responded surprising herself at how much she’d dropped her bite.

She then looked back at her new sibling and caught herself smiling. The sibling in question looked enthralled, looking between Nia and Alex and Alex and Nia trying not to smile, but letting one through, nevertheless. 

Something just felt right for the young Kryptonian, as they looked up to their older sister and their new friend. “It just felt right being so wanted and cared for and argued over – though Alex did use that…that name a moment ago…but…” they just appreciated the protectiveness. 

Nevertheless, when they thought of Alex having used that…that…name a small frown briefly came to their face. A frown that Alex quickly caught sight of…

“So, Canadian, you still haven’t really answered my question!” Alex Danvers - high schooler, was back and swingin’. 

“Right, well,” Nia said, looking between the two of them – the two Danvers siblings – she gave the younger of the two’s hand a quick squeeze reassuring them though partly just herself that this was ok, and then she just went with it – she had had this feeling godnabbit! “I’m not Canadian, though I do like Canada and Canadians a lot…” she looked back towards Alex, who was definitely staring at her now. “I’m Naltorian.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world seemed to stop for Nia, in that moment. As she stood there trying to remain confident in the face of having just admitted that she was an alien - she worried. 

“Would this all work out?” she thought.

“Would they,” thinking of the younger Danvers, “still trust me?”

“God, I think they trust me. Maybe I’m wrong about that.”

“Heck, I could be wrong that they’re an alien, too.”

“I could be wrong that they’re trans like me, too,” she thought in an even quieter voice.

She was brought out of her thoughts though by the younger Danvers teen.

“Hey, Nia. Are you an alien then? I think I remember my mom telling me about Naltorians and N-Naltor…?” they finished with a question, uncertain if they were remembering the planet’s name right.

However, before they could really dig to confirm or deny the memory, they realised Alex was glaring at them. 

“Great, what’d I do now,” they thought, “I thought Alex and I might have been almost getting along there.” Suddenly though it occurred to them. 

“Dam-m-n,” they slowly uttered. Suddenly nervous again.

“Yeah…damn, kid,” Alex responded.

In their excitement, the younger teen had completely forgotten all the repeated warnings and discussions about trying to stay under the radar, and remain inconspicuous, and certainly not to let anyone know that they were an alien.

Nia was wisely staying out of it, but inside she was brimming with excitement. “Is that it,” she thought, “am I right? How else would they know of Naltor? And certainly, after the exchange between the two of them…” she thought. “Surely…!?”

Nia looked back up from her thoughts, to see what looked like a conversation was happening between the other two but just with their eyes.

As said “conversation” seemed to reach its end, Nia saw the younger of the two sigh defeatedly. Worried as to what this meant, she turned to them, and said in a whispered tone that showed more worry than the younger Danvers had heard from her yet, “Are you ok?” She was worried about them. Truthfully, she had been since they’d met, but here was their sister, and apparently, she’d just convinced them of something that they did not care for. And so, in turn, Nia did not care for it. She did not care for the situation, and she worried about things. “I do tend to do that,” she thought. But nevertheless… With a renewed burst of determination, the Naltorian started leading the Kryptonian down one of the roads away from the school. She didn’t know which road led to the Danvers household and would have been surprised to have found it was down the way she was leading the two of them.

As they slowly began walking forward, the two of them. She realised that her friend still had yet to respond. As they were a little way from Alex at this point, and with her renewed determination at her side, she asked again, stronger this time – “Are you ok?”

The Kryptonian was so uncertain what to do. 

They had somehow been able to successfully have that eye conversation with Alex earlier. “Which, I mean, that’s good,” they thought, “right? I’m connecting with her!”  
Unfortunately, though it had seemed that they had lost said mental argument.   
The argument as the younger of the two understood it, was to whether or not they should disclose their own secret. “Or secrets,” they thought, contemplatively.

In any case that brought them back to the here and now where Nia was so kindly asking if they were ok, after having revealed something of a secret about herself. “Well,” they thought, “I’m assuming she’s not going around telling everyone she’s an alien. I wonder how many people do know…?”

Finally, they settled on the bit of a cop-out of a response of “I don’t know.”  
They wanted to tell Nia, they did, but something held them back…they just didn’t want to disappoint Alex, and their adoptive parents, they guessed. 

Nia turned, hearing the response and deflated a bit.

“Well, um, ok. That’s good.” She tried to remain positive and upbeat, though she was finding it hard. She just knew they were hiding something. She had felt so close! She had felt like they were going to tell her something, something special, but…not yet at least.

It was in that moment, that Alex caught back up to the two of them.

Alex had gotten a little distracted when Maggie had texted her. But then she got frustrated when Eliza texted, wondering where they were. Alex had texted back saying they’d just gotten a little held up but should be there soon, but now she wanted to make sure that would actually be the case.

Not wanting to let on how frustrated and worried really, she was, what with being late to get home and with her younger sibling having maybe outed themself as an alien... One thing was certain, she didn’t want to think about what would happen if her parents found out about that…

She went ahead and tried to be nice, as awkward as it probably came out, “Kyle, c’mon, we’ve got to get going. Mom’s already wondering where we are.” 

The other sibling didn’t move towards her, in fact they had stopped walking entirely, just standing there next to Nia.

“Kyle, c’mon! We’ve got to get going!” Now Alex was starting to let some of that frustration she was feeling show. 

Getting nowhere but frustrated with the Kryptonian in front of her, she turned to the Naltorian. 

“Look, it was nice meeting you, Nia. But we’ve really got to get going.” She said it, accentuating the word, “nice,” though really each of her words with as much bite as she could.

Nia, both still saddened by her friend’s evasiveness and feeling she was on thin ice with Alex, went ahead and risked a little bite, saying, “Likewise, Alex. Though I think it might be best if ‘Kyle,’” she tried her best to swallow the name, uncertain how the person in question felt about it truly, “and I walked home together.”

Alex looked to the person in question, the person of the hour, and almost shrunk back at the hopefulness she found in their eyes. She tried to communicate through her eyes again - “I’m just trying to protect you!” as hard as she could. 

This time however, the alien from Krypton won out. 

Alex couldn’t help but give in as she looked at the unwavering hopefulness in the kid’s blue eyes. “Heck,” she thought to herself, “I’ve never seen them look so hopeful, so determined…I don’t know what to make of it really, but something makes me not want to mess with it.”

Trying for the cold and heartless look again, she let her decision be known – “Fine. But if you’re not home in 20 minutes I’m sending out a search party,” she said looking between the two younger teens.

Seeing as the Kryptonian of the two aliens was still standing there silent (really, mostly out of shock at this point, from Alex’s decision), Nia spoke up, “Yeah, yeah, big sister, don’t worry, you’ll see them again soon enough.”

Alex left deciding on a different route home, letting the other two take the way that was usually walked back to the Danvers’ residence.

As soon as Alex left them, though she began to worry.

“What have I done?” she thought.

“Have I really just left him alone with someone I don’t know?”

“Some girl, even though…although I doubt, they’ll be up to anything on the way home…heck I don’t know for sure!”

Later she would tell herself that the next train of thought was borne solely out of her worry for her new, alien, younger sibling. 

“If that even is a girl…I mean I’ve at least heard the talk from folks even all the way in ninth grade about her moving here. I’ve never even met a transgender person before! She did look a little…shut up!…Mom raised me better than that, right?! Treat others the way you want to be treated, be kind, be open-minded, and whatnot!”

“FUCK!” this thought, though came through loud and clear, clearly audible.  
She had just had the sudden realisation – “What’s Mom going to say when I get home without him!?”

“What was I THINKING?!” that one too came out loud and clear. 

The thought also came to them though about something Nia said, as Alex was leaving them… “…you’ll see them again soon enough.” 

“But,” she thought, “that was odd… This was her brother they were both speaking of… Why use ‘they’? This was one person. It was just odd.” But she just couldn’t put her finger on what about it, or why it was so odd.

Meanwhile Nia was actually having some of the same thoughts.

“Fuck.” She smiled at the use of the forbidden word, and continued, “I mean, why did I use ‘they’ when speaking about them - to Alex?? Even if I am right – which I don’t even know – remember that! Who am I to out them to their sister?” 

She kept walking for a moment, her mind continuing to whirr.

“Yeah, that’s right - I’m no one, no one, but a confused, flailing, trans person, trying to make everyone else trans!” She laughed a little that. “No, that’s not what I mean, and you know it,” she says to herself, “I just am hoping to find that everyone else is trans too! God, what a hopeless mission, eh!”

Her laugh though had gotten her companion’s attention. “Gosh, she has such a pretty, and pure laugh,” they thought.

And the smile that came to their face in turn captured Nia’s attention. 

Having each other’s attention at this point, they got down to business. Well, Nia did. She thought to herself, “Okay, that’s it I’ve got their attention – now I want answers,” she thought with as much resolute power as she could muster…resolute power that was just as quickly starting to leave her. 

“Ok, but delicately now, Nia,” she thought. “You don’t want to scare them. You want to be nice about this. Imagine if someone questioned you about being an alien or being trans. Imagine if that Lockwood character or that Mike Matthews guy tried some sort of threatening thing.” She couldn’t think what they would try but having heard the types of taunts and things they would say to the sixth graders and seventh graders, even in the short time she’d been at Midvale Middle…she didn’t want to imagine. She shuddered even at the thought.

“Ok... you’ve got this,” she said to herself.

Just as she was about to say something though, her friend surprised her – “So…um…thanks.”

“Um…yeah, no problem.” Nia decided it best to keep that courage and strength inside her and to match her friend’s tone.

A beat passed as they continued walking.

“So…um…” Nia sighed, as she tried to decide how she wanted to say what she wanted to say.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed and please leave a comment if you want!!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 3 and maybe in the comments!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Nia talk and bond. We meet Eliza. Alex and Kara talk. And maybe some good comes Kara's way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! Thanks for anyone reading this! I hope everyone is staying safe but I hope that you get some enjoyment from, what for me, is this fun little exercise getting these ideas out of my head onto paper.
> 
> Also, fyi - as I'm planning later chapters for down the road, its looking like especially once they're in High School, that the rating might change. I have it as T+ for now, but it might change to M. Just so folks are aware. Probably nothing too too juicy or whatever, especially as of yet at least, but I do just want cover for whomever reading or who might read this, as there'll definitely be some things that, well, society at least would deem "mature content," or "mature themes."

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

The Kryptonian beside her shook their head “no” while they quietly muttered, “Yeah.”

Nia noticed the head shake first and sighed dejectedly, almost not even hearing the quiet, “yeah.”

“Wait! You _do_ want to talk?”

“Well…” they sighed as they thought, “Here goes nothing…” They really were not sure about this. They wanted to ensure the trust of their adoptive family but at the same time they felt so safe with Nia, and they did want to talk to someone, well, they just weren’t feeling comfortable or as safe as they wanted to – until Nia that is.

They turned back to look at Nia and said, “I do…I should talk to someone.”

Nia stopped and pulled them slightly and grabbed both of their hands so that each of their hands was in the other.

“If you want, I can be that someone for you. I will listen. I will respond – if you want.

And of course, I won’t tell anyone else anything you say without your permission.

Ok?”

The young Kryptonian looked up at her, looked at her kind eyes, and smiled, and started to cry. Embarrassed, they started to try to wipe it away.

Nia softly spoke up, “Listen, do as you need, but you don’t have to hide the fact that you’re vulnerable, and cry, and you know, you have emotions…that’s ok!

Really, that’s what makes us human – well, what makes us, us.”

At that, they turned to Nia and spoke.

“Ok. So, um. I’m going to tell you some things, I guess, but you can’t tell anyone, ok? Not my parents or Alex, and certainly not anyone at school or anything…ok?”

“Yes, definitely. I swear, in fact.”

At this point in time, spurred by the turn in the conversation, and that time was after all ticking, they went back to walking, hand in hand now still though.

“Ok. Ok. So, you know how you said you’re Naltorian?”

“Yeah, for sure.”

“Well, I’m Kryptonian.”

Nia, trying to keep her excitement to herself, just calmly said, “Neat!”

“Yeah, well not so much in a way. I was sent away from Krypton because the planet was going to explode…I guess it has at this point.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“But not only that but due some sort of weird science stuff I have all these, ‘powers’ on this planet.”

“Aw sweet!” said Nia, struggling and failing to keep her excitement in now.

“Well, I guess…it’s just taking some adjusting to you know,” they said fiddling with their glasses.

“And then there’s something else, too, that’s been…bothering…me.”

“Oh. Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s just kind of hard to talk about. Like, it feels like its _something_ , but…” they raised their arms up in the air, the subject at hand making them exasperated for not the first time.

But nevertheless, they continued, “I just, I don’t know. There’s just a bunch of little things, you know that just seem to bother me, though they don’t seem so little in the moment, and its _so_ frustrating, as they, these things, they seem like such basic, essential, important things, to like, like who I am, and I just don’t know.”

It just felt so overwhelming for them.

And so, the tears started flowing again. Though this time, listening to Nia, they didn’t push them aside, they just let them flow.

Though they were glad they were even, trying, to say it to someone. “Especially someone like Nia,” they thought. “Though I don’t even know if this makes sense to her, heck, it hardly makes sense to me!”

Nia for her part, was there through it all, attentively listening. She had decided a little while ago to shove way off the excitement that had been building and the thought of being “right,” and decided it was way more important to just _be_ there for her friend.

Nia softly said, “What kinds of things?”  
  


“Uh what?”

“You were saying that there were a bunch of little things that are bothering you but they don’t seem so little… Only if you want to tell me though!”

“Right.” They took a deep breath.

“Well, my name for one thing. Both my Kryptonian one and the one I was given on Earth…I just, I don’t know…” They took a deep breath.

“I hate them,” they whispered.

Just as Nia was about to respond, a rush of words tumbled out of her friend.

“And it just feels so wrong! I mean ‘KYLE’…” they say the name as disdainfully as they could. “Sure, it feels wrong and weird, but it wasn’t like its my birth name anyway… But even that one I don’t like! And my parents gave me that! Like that one, at least should be right! I’m sure they put a lot of thought into it, and now I just want to…desecrate it, their name and legacy…I mean they’re _dead_ now and I want to change it…change it…and…and dishonor their legacy…”

“Heck, and that’s just my name, that’s not even talking about my body. I mean why do I feel similarly about my body?? Like what in the world, it’s my body, it’s what I’ve got. Why must I hate it so?”

They let out a nervous laugh.

“I’m a mess.”

“Oh look,” they say, as they look up to see, through their tears the Danvers family home. “We’re almost there. Its just after this cornfield a little bit.”

They sniffle, trying to regain their composure, knowing they’ll be home soon, even though they have no idea what’ll happen when they do. What Eliza will say, or Alex. They give a soft sigh.

Nia turns to them, and begins softly, “I know this is all about you – I was listening, you were pouring your heart out and such – but, if you could listen for a moment. And yes, I hear you we’re almost to your house,” she says, as she sees them looks back up towards the direction of the house. “There’s another, I don’t know, secret if you will. Part of me, close to my heart, that I want to share with you now. Is that ok?”

The youngest Danvers gave a quick nod.

“I’m trans,” Nia said.

As the young Danvers racked their brain trying to match that word to some sort of meaning, meaning it corresponded to…and they were coming up blank.

Nia grew worried. “Maybe,” she thought, “maybe I thought this out all wrong. Maybe they don’t like trans people. I don’t know! Why aren’t they reacting?” But then a thought occurred to her: she didn’t know much about Krypton and Kryptonians, but maybe the person in front of her, genuinely didn’t about trans people! Maybe there was still hope.

She let out a light laugh.

“Do you know what that means? To be trans? Or transgender?”

They shook their head from side to side dejectedly. They felt a little ashamed that their friend had trusted them with this information, but they didn’t even know what it meant!

Nia gave another light laugh followed by a small sigh.

“Its all good. Listen, I should let you get home. Can we text? I can give you my number?” Nia said.

“Yeah,” was said in reply, accompanied by a vigorous head nod.

Following a quick exchange of phones and numbers, Nia turned and began walking away. The young Danvers kid started walking faster home. Which then turned into prancing. They were happy!

Well, more like…elated! They weren’t quite sure 100% why, but they just knew, they were just so happy.

As they pranced, they thought about it some, at least right up until they got to the front door. They thought it probably had something to do with the fact that they’d talked to someone, albeit briefly about how they were feeling…and it went…well? Well…not badly, at least? Yeah, they thought, not badly, at least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As they walked inside the Danvers’ house, “Our house, my house,” they tried to remind themself, they knew something was off. They weren’t sure what, but something definitely was. They let themself attune themself to what was happening and could hear Alex’s heartbeat, going faster than normal up in the room they shared together… And they could hear Eliza’s heartbeat, going even faster than Alex’s in the kitchen.

That scared them.

What would have them so on edge, so worried? Then they looked up at the clock and it started to sink in. The two of them, had already been supposed to be home a while ago when Eliza had texted Alex earlier, but then Alex had left, and then Nia and them had walked slowly and talked and talked.

Now they weren’t only scared but worried. They knew Eliza and Alex had probably been worried, Eliza especially, and that was their fault.

They sighed loudly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the kitchen, where Eliza Danvers sat, worry just continuing to pile onto itself, she heard a loud sigh from the entryway.

That shook her out of her thoughts and got her focused. She knew who that had to be…who that better be.

She called out, “Come here please…in the kitchen.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young Kryptonian did as they were told and with a tummy filled with worry but a face looking as determined as it could, they walked into the kitchen.

Eliza indicated a chair in front of her.

The teen gulped at the look on her face and proceeded to sit. It was a look only a parent could give, with a mix of both worry and frustration, and anger, and sadness, with each somehow clearly defined through her features.

A beat passed as neither of them dared speak first.

Eliza then sighed, and said, “Do you mind explaining to me what happened this afternoon?”

The teen, for their part also sighed and then proceeded to speak. “I’m sorry. I think I made a new friend at school today, and she wanted to walk with us home, but then I don’t think Alex likes her very much and we walked home together and it was great and I think she really trusts me, and…”

“I still don’t understand,” Eliza interrupted, “even with Alex maybe not liking her very much, why does that result in Alex coming home way before you, _without you_ , and crying, face white as a ghost, afraid I was going to kick _her_ out.”

Suddenly something clicked for the teen sitting there, and they moved to stand up. “You’re right. I’ll grab my things and I’ll go. I’ll tell Alex not to worry anymore.”

They had always feared this day would come. For the past few months, since they’d arrived, they were often at least, in a state of ultra-vigilance. They constantly felt like an outsider. At least because they were an alien, though it seemed like each day they would find another reason to add to the list of why they were the outsider in each and every situation. Top of the list, generally, still sat that they were an alien and didn’t belong in this family.

Eliza’s face suddenly sported a deep frown. Then, she realised what she’d said.

She sighed and got up quickly to catch the teen. They were already almost out of the kitchen, when Eliza gently held their shoulder and said, “Wait.”

The teen stopped, uncertain of what was going to happen next.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, I really did phrase that wrong. That was wrong and wasn’t right for me to do.”

The teen let out a small smile. They liked what they were hearing, and they always liked hearing Eliza calling them, sweetie.

“Now, I would like to hear more, in more detail about what happened.”

The teen wasn’t sure how to respond. They sat back down, as they weren’t sure they had much of a choice. At least they weren’t getting kicked out…at least not yet…

They just weren’t sure what to say without revealing…too much…or at least more than they felt ready to right now.

They sat there quietly, while Eliza watched them, thinking to themself.

As they saw it, they had three options:

  1. Confess everything – Nia had told them she was an alien, they told Nia they were an alien, told Nia about their…feelings, and then Nia told them they were “trans” – though they still weren’t sure what that meant – oh and they had convinced Alex to leave them alone so they could talk to Nia just the two of them
  2. Or, they could lie straight through their teeth.  
Say they just got in a big fight with Alex.  
Apologise for it.  
Promise it won’t happen again.
  3. OR, they could do a series of what they had learned were called, “lies of omission.”  
They had made a connection with Nia. They had just asked Alex to let them talk to Nia alone as they walked home. They didn’t know Alex arrived home in the state she did, but they were sorry. Alex must have been jealous of their new friend, or something. They were sorry as well for being as late as they were, and they would try to be more conscious of the time in the future.



They really didn’t much like option 2. They hated lying. They had hated since first coming to this planet the ease with which they saw so many took to lying.

They didn’t much care for option 1 either. While they hated lying, they understood the value of trust, and as they had gone ahead and trusted Nia, Nia had trusted them, and really the teen didn’t trust Eliza all that much. Not even as much as they wanted, they would admit.

So that left option 3.  
  


It still left a little less than ideal, but it was, they supposed, probably, really, the best option.

And so that’s what they did. They explained how nice and kind and genuine Nia seemed. They explained that Alex and Nia seemed to get off on the wrong foot. And they apologised lots and lots. Lots for abandoning Alex, lots for being so late, and lots for causing Alex to cry as much as she did.

Eliza looked at them. She felt something was off. Somehow, for some reason, she was not getting the full story. But for now, she decided it would be fine. Well, not fine, but doable, fixable.

She sighed again.

“Ok. But a couple things. One, I want for you, once we’re done here, to go up to your room – where Alex is – and apologise. Also, I appreciate that you made a new friend, and I’m glad you did get home, and all in one piece, but…if you are making friends who are girls at school, and then you’re going to walk home together, I don’t want you leaving Alex behind. I want the three of you to walk together. If Alex has a problem with her, then pick a different friend or make sure they’ve worked it out.

Is all of that clear?”

“Yes. Thank you…sorry.”

“Good. No, you don’t need to apologise again, just do as I said, and don’t let it happen again.”

“Ok.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The teen opened the door slowly to the shared bedroom for Alex and themself.

Alex turned, seemingly ready to speak, but the younger of the two was quicker.

  
“I’m sorry.”

Impulse to speak, seemingly gone, Alex just numbly nodded.

Alex sighed.

“Look, I don’t want to know what all you and Nia talked about, partly that’s because I have a guess, but I don’t want it to be right.” She sighed. “I get it in a way. She went ahead and told you she’s an alien, and you probably got excited. Heck probably still are. I just want to remind you, not to sound too much like Mom, and for whatever good it will do me, the rules are there for a reason. When Mom, and heck, your cousin, say not to reveal yourself, and to blend in as much as possible, not only do they mean it, but it’s there for safety’s sake. It’s there to protect each of us – including you.”

“Yeah,” the young alien glumly responded.

“Look,” Alex continued, “I know we haven’t gotten off on the best footing since you’ve been here, really, and I’ve been even worse to you since Dad left, but…” She stared off at the wall for a second before continuing, in a quieter more hushed tone. “Is this about trust? “Because look I can get you not trusting Mom – that, that I definitely get. I mean I don’t feel like I can talk to her about everything. And I’ve lived with her my whole life…”

She paused for a second.

“Look at me rambling. Look all I mean to say is that I’m sure you’re going through a lot – trust me, we both are – “ though with the skeptical look thrown her way, she quickly added, “not to say it’s all the same! But! We’re both going through a lot, and I know you’ve just made a friend in Nia, but really feel free to come to me and we can talk it out, ok?”

The younger teen nodded and moved to collapse onto their bed. “Ok,” they added as they did so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had sat there, thinking for a while.

They kept coming back to this one thought: How Nia had brought up that she was trans, worriedly, right after they had carefully opened up about their feelings…about their name and their body.

But they weren’t sure what that really meant. Where did that really leave them?

Eventually they gave up. They realised they needed answers, and they needed them now.

They went to their laptop and brought it to their bed. And they began to search, and search, and search, and search the internet. Scrolling through results after results. Putting in search terms, after search terms.

When they were both called down for dinner, the younger Danvers thought about bringing the computer too but, decided, they didn’t want the subject of their searching to be found out.

Though they knew there was more they wanted to read about the subject, they were so utterly amazed at how there seemed to be all this language created for how they (and others too!) were feeling! It felt wonderful and kinda hopeful. They wished they could talk to someone about it but who would they talk to? Eventually their mind went to Nia.

They had only just established the friendship, but already it did strike them as one to hold on tight to.

“Yeah,” they thought, “I can talk to Nia. If she’s trans then surely, she knows all about this stuff. And she sounded open to talking, too…”

With their mind going a million miles a minute, dinner seemed to go by quickly for the young Kryptonian. Alex and Eliza chatted about how their days went, and tried to involve the younger sibling, though they would just get short answers in response.

Afterwards, Eliza headed to her study to work some more, while the two teenagers were to work on the dishes.

As they got to work, the younger one stayed noticeably silent.

After a while of drying, as it was her turn for that, Alex had had enough of the deafening silence.

“Kid,” she said in her usual gruff tone before changing to a gentler one, “what’s up?”

“Nothing,” she got as a response as their sibling dropped the dish they were washing at the same time.

“Bullshit,” Alex whispered back.

The alien beside her sighed, a long, loud sigh.

“If I tell you what’s going on with me, do you promise to tell no one, including Eliza, and anyone at school?”

Alex, sighed, looking down with her face full of uncertainty, wondering what she was getting into…but then…determinedly looked back at her sibling –

“For you – definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading hope y'all enjoyed! Please feel free, if you have any thoughts, likes, dislikes, whatever, feel free to comment below!!
> 
> Thanks as well to everyone who's read and kudo'ed so far!!!!!
> 
> Also, stay safe out there! These are wild times we're all in.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara comes out to Alex.  
> Kara and Nia talk.  
> Kara dreams after a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for anyone and everyone reading this story!! Thanks for any kudos and such you're sending my way, as well - I appreciate it.
> 
> Also! I start using she/her pronouns for Kara in this chapter (woohoo!) as she finally starts to come into her own a little bit more so. 
> 
> Also, I know in these notes and summaries I keep calling her Kara, even though she doesn't have that name in the story, but that will come - give it time!

_“For you – definitely”_

The younger Danvers child looked back at their sister with such hope and optimism in that moment.

“Really?” they responded.

“Yes, you sap. Now tell me what’s up…please!”

“Ok, but not too loud, I don’t want Eliza to hear us.”

“Ok.”

“So…” the younger Danvers began, “I think I’m different. I mean I know I’m an alien, but I think even on Krypton I may have been different. May have been accepted more there, than I think here, I don’t know…I don’t even think I ever met anyone like me there anyway…things like this would have probably been kept private…”

“Kyle…what are you talking about?”

The younger Danvers stilled suddenly. Dropping back in the water the dish they had been washing.

“Well…that’s part of it for one thing…I hate that name… And no, it’s not just because it was given to me now on Earth…I mean I even hate my Kryptonian name…well at least my first name…”

“Um…ok… So, but what do you mean…kid…keep talking…”

The person beside her sighed.

“I didn’t know…I’ve just found out about some of these words…but maybe you already know them… Do you what it means to be trans, or transgender?”

“Oh.” Alex muttered it strongly, full of shock and fear. Alex liked to think of herself as a good, caring, and most of all, accepting person…but…when growing up in the small town of Midvale, and when having already had to adjust to having a new alien sibling…and now they might not be who they thought but be a girl…this was just a lot…? Right? That what this was…it was just a lot…

But the person beside her, didn’t hear or see any of this.

Undeterred, they continued – still quiet, but a little more confidently.

“I mean, yeah, I think that’s me. I think I’m trans. I think, well, no, yeah, I know I am a girl. I mean I’ve had these feelings for a while, but they’ve just been there, simmering, and I just wasn’t sure what they meant or what to do about them. After talking to Nia though, earlier, I started looking some stuff up and found a whole bunch of these new-to-me words and terms…and it all just started to make sense…well, a lot more sense, that’s for sure…a lot of things are still very confusing.”

Suddenly she…that’s right _she_ , looked up, noticing both the many dishes that were piling up waiting to be rinsed and put aside to dry, and Alex who had stilled completely.

“Oh sh…” she held out the syllable hoping to freak Alex out with the mere possibility that she might curse, something the younger girl, unlike Alex, never did. Seeing no reaction from Alex however, she grew and grew more worried.

“Oh shit, Alex,” she muttered just loud enough for Alex, and hopefully only Alex to hear her.

Alex did look up at that. She had a faint smile on with a faraway look in her eyes.

Beside Alex, she continued, “Look Alex, I’m sorry. I’m sure this wasn’t what you were expecting but you know, it’s been bothering me for such awhile, and then I found all these new words and terms, and then you gave me that talk about trust and everything, and and and…I don’t know…I know we had just gotten kinda close, then I pushed you away, but…I just really hope that you can still be my sister and we can be closer together…like we used to be y’know?”

Alex looked back at her, similarly as before. The smile was a little larger, but the younger kid couldn’t help but think it looked forced or fake.

“Of course, kid. Just…I don’t know…give me some time, I guess. I mean this is a lot…”

“Um…ok…” the younger Danvers responded. She couldn’t help though feeling a little let down. She had felt so hopeful, and trusting, and invigorated by and about Alex – and then she had just shared something so deep and personal, but…Alex…it seemed…wasn’t ready, to like be ok with her? She wasn’t sure what it all meant. She just knew that she didn’t like it and hoped that she and Alex would be on good – no, great terms soon.

They finished up the rest of the dishes together and proceeded to trudge up the stairs – physically together, but emotionally growing further and further apart. Much to the younger girl’s chagrin.

Upon getting upstairs they, both plopped down – the younger girl on her bed and Alex on the swivel desk chair they both shared.

The young Kryptonian looked down at her phone suddenly. She frequently had to remind herself to check it – it was taking a lot of adjusting even just to adjust to the technology here on Earth.

She noticed though that she had a couple of new messages from her latest contact – Nia.

“Hey! How are things?”  
“I know we saw each other earlier…and we kind of ended our conversation abruptly, but I am here for you and if you want to talk about anything at all – tonight or anytime – just give a ring…or a text :)”

The youngest Danvers smiled at reading those. She had made a friend! She really had, she thought to herself! An honest to goodness, friend!

She found her fingers itching to tap away a reply –

“Well, after getting home, I looked a bunch of things based on how I’ve been feeling and the word you’d used.”

“It was really helpful in clarifying and illuminating things for me. It’s like there’s all these words suddenly for feeling I’ve been feeling for so long!!”

Nia responded quickly, “I’m so glad! That new feeling of actually having language for these feelings can feel soooo good!”

“I ended up telling Alex too. I even used the word trans.”

“It went ok…I think…” she looked over to where Alex was sitting, “I mean I feel she’s gone off in her own world and we haven’t really talked since I told her.”

“She said she needs space.”

“Oh.” That was the response she got from Nia.

That for whatever reason, worried the youngest Danvers.

“Oh?” she tapped back.

“Can I call you?” Nia asked? “Only if it works for you, like if you can get somewhere private and such…?”

“Um…yeah…sure…just a sec…”

She went to the bathroom and closed and locked the door behind her. After giving Nia the signal, she received a call.

“Ok, so sorry for the call and all, but I just sometimes, especially for important things prefer talking. Like voice-to-voice if not person-to-person,” Nia began.

“Yeah no worries,” the Kryptonian responded. Though truthfully, she was starting to feel some worries, she wasn’t sure why, but she had a bad feeling about how this conversation was going to go…

“I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about how family can be when you’re trans. I mean I don’t know about yours, hopefully Alex isn’t as bad as I’m worried, she might be…

“What do you mean, “bad”? Alex is great.”

“Listen, and again, speaking from experience, here: older sisters can sometimes feel uncomfortable with sharing the spotlight, so to speak, with a new-to-them younger sister… Does that make sense?”

“I guess…You think that’s what Alex is doing?”

“Wait, I haven’t been misunderstanding you right, you would be Alex’s younger _sister_ , right?”

Nia received a small head nod in response before the Kryptonian remembered they were on a phone call. “Yeah, you’re right,” she muttered just loud enough for Nia to hear over the line.

“Well, as I was going to say, I’m 100% sure.

I didn’t, don’t mean that Alex is bad, I just …sometimes family, especially sisters, when they find out, they can well, just not always be entirely accepting.

Does that make sense?”

The young Kryptonian sat and sat there, getting in an increasing state of worry. It did make sense and that’s what scared her. Eliza often would say that she should watch before she leapt…maybe this was one of those times. And certainly, going forward with other people…and school…and Eliza…and who knows who else!

This was getting scary.

“Hey K…you still there?” Nia asked bringing the other girl out of her panic.

“Is that ok, if for right now I just call you “K”, especially when it’s just us?” Nia continued.

“Yeah…”

“Listen, I wanted to tell you all this as someone who’s navigated it before. And as someone who’s navigated it before, you can trust me, and I can help you. I can be there for you, IF Alex is unsupportive, which sincerely, based on just what you’ve told me, I’m just not sure we can know that for sure yet, then I want you to be prepared…or at least know that you’ve got me to lean on.

Ok?”

“Umm…yeah…umm…I think I’m going to go now if that’s alright?”

“Yeah, um, ok,” Nia responded. “Just remember that you’ve got me. If things get hard, you can call or text, even if that’s later tonight.”

“Ok.” And the young Kryptonian hung up the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As she walked back to her room she shared with Alex and plopped back down on the bed she was thinking up a storm. A storm of worry.

She kept thinking about what Nia said and the number of times that she had been (nicely, but still) reprimanded by Eliza about not thinking first before (often excitedly), acting.

Sure, she was growing, and growing to recognise and understand this newfound part of herself. And sure, she wanted to be _herself_ when living, and living out in the world…

But could she…

She had no one… Well, sorta, at least. She had Kal, but he didn’t really count. He was over in Metropolis and hardly visited.

Here though, she had…

She wanted to think she had Alex, but now she wasn’t sure.

_And_ if she didn’t even have Alex, when she wanted to and thought she did, then…

Well where did that leave her? _Who_ did she have? How could she know? Or know for sure?

At that train of thought, she let out a loud sigh.

Alex even looked over quickly, before turning back over to the computer she was sitting at in front of her, brow furrowing deeper.

Back in the younger Danvers’ head though the turmoil continued…

I mean heck even my friendship with Nia…I mean I just don’t know…

I only really see her at school, but I don’t that I can be out at school, and I don’t know how often we can talk just us at school, and I mean I could bring her home but I don’t know about that either, because that means, working around Eliza and Alex, as I don’t want to disturb them, or really I wouldn’t want them to hear us talking.

She lets out another sigh.

“Just when life looked like it was maybe going to be looking up and better, it has to come crashing down…or so it seems at least…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She decided to just go ahead and try to get some sleep before school the next day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night she dreamt and dreamt.

The dream that stayed with her the most however, the dream that was still with her when she woke up the next morning, was a…fascinating one…a…well…euphoric dreamscape of elation.

_She opened her eyes and saw, from the somewhat elevated point of view of the dream, a young figure. She knew immediately it was herself, or her avatar of sorts she was seeing. It was a young figure, younger than she was now. The figure was probably 6 or 7, if she had to guess. The figure was in a white dress with yellow trim._

_The part that stood out the most though, above all, in what she saw and just felt – was the pure happiness. She just felt the pure happiness of the young figure and it was like it travelled on through, through her sleeping self too. It took a second, but it came to her suddenly clear as day, that this figure was a girl. Recognising that sent a wave of electricity, of happy shock through her for that that she recognised as well, in that moment…_

_This was her. **HER**. She was the girl. _

_As she watched, she “sat back” so to speak, and enjoyed and savoured, watching as her “younger self,” ran._

_She really could take in and absorb the environment her younger self was in._

_And so, she watched as the figure, ran. She ran through the field of daisies, stretching far as she could see. She ran and she ran, and she ran. She ran though, so happy, so without a care in the world it seemed. She ran not as though the world was ending but as though, perhaps, the world was just beginning. As if these were the first daisies of creation, and she, was getting to roam free among them._

_The dream continued in that way, really. Simple, but so clear and strong in its feeling and emotion present. Just watching from her vantage point as the figure continued to just, run freely through the field of daisies, absent-mindedly, and yet, it felt like this was a place where that didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if she ran about absent-mindedly, for here, in this utopic field, there were no cares to even be forgotten._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading this and journeying with me with this. I'm really enjoying writing this. Its really fun to try to play with these characters while also sharing some of my story, in a way.
> 
> Also, if you care to leave a comment it would be greatly appreciated! 
> 
> Also also, if you are like me and can actually see this au in your head in any way, comment suggestions of things that you'd like to happen or how to include different characters. 
> 
> I've got a rough outline for what should encompass a bunch more chapters, but I fill them in as I go - and that could include ideas from y'all! (I'm planning on including as many characters from the show as I can. I've already got at least some plans for a bunch of them, but certainly not all. And really any character is fair game for ideas from y'all.)
> 
> Thanks! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly focused here on Kara (and Alex to a lesser extent) and their inner thoughts. Also we meet Mike. 
> 
> Also, we're going to be moving into some time jumps here and there in this story, beginning with the last bit of this chapter where we jump ahead to Christmas Vacation for our Midvale crew.

NOVEMBER, THURSDAY

The next morning, she woke up with a smile on her face. She woke up with the dream from the night before still shining brightly in her mind.

Quickly though, as she remembered her surroundings, what was going and that she of course, still had school and had to get ready for that, the smile she’d woken up with left.

Soon, her smile was replaced with a look of determination. She wasn’t entirely sure what the day held in store for her today, but she was going to do her best to make it through it. That’s all she could do, she thought.

She was determined to face this day (she had to, she guessed, really), but that didn’t mean she was excited about it.

Today she felt the most confident in herself and who she was, who she knew, and understood herself to be.

And yet at the same time, she felt the most isolated and afraid and uncertain about how to…be. How to be _herself_ in school. How to be _herself_ at home.

The thought did occur that she should just be, who she was anyway. She was still the same person she was, right? She just like a had a different, more helpful framework for understanding who she was.

That certainly didn’t mean that everything had to change in how she engaged with others, just like that, starting today. Right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She finished getting ready for school.

She said good-bye to Eliza.

All the while she fell into a mode of hyper-vigilance. She would say later, that she wasn’t even doing it on purpose, and while that’s likely correct, that’s nevertheless what ended up happening.

Probably it was all as a result, quite simply of all her fear and uncertainty of how to act and be, she would later think.

And to think she had basically just finished getting through something a teeny bit similar with the whole learn-your-powers thing and the whole don’t-freak-folks-out-that-you’re-an-alien-orphan thing.

And so nevertheless it happened. She began to pay super close attention to her surroundings, even letting herself use her powers to further accomplish that. She began to just be on edge. Every sound or noise would worry her. “What is happening? Am I doing something wrong? What are they thinking?” would be the main questions populating her mind oh so frequently, every day now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She walked beside Alex for about the whole walk, not saying a word. Neither of them saying a word, in fact.

Each of them, having retreated to their own little worlds. The younger of the two, paying attention to the outside world, sure, just...very selectively.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex Danvers was trying. That’s what she kept trying to tell herself in any case.

She _was_ trying and what was all the more frustrating was she didn’t even seem to understand why this was so hard for her. WHY, was she struggling?

Why was Alex Danvers - daughter of awesome, strong-willed, and always willing to speak her mind - Eliza Danvers, so uncertain and so just uh! in regard to this…this situation? Why?

That was part of it too, really, she felt so un-confident about even her feelings that she couldn’t even properly articulate it, she felt, even just to herself.

She tried to think it through.

Her younger…sibling? Sister? Not brother…  
  


She didn’t even want a brother, especially at the beginning.

(And certainly not a brother from an alien world with all kinds of baggage of their own…)

BUT! She had gotten used to that. To their presence and even, well, sorta like having them around.

She liked having walks to and from school together.

She liked doing schoolwork beside each other.

But now…? Well. That was just it. _What_ now?

She had to get used to it all, all over again? Now to having a sister?

WHY?

That didn’t seem fair.

That just didn’t seem fair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While all that was happening with Alex, the Kryptonian beside her just walked quietly but determinedly, full of worry.

Before they knew it, both of them lost in their own thoughts, they found themselves nearing the Midvale Middle.

They parted ways with both of them uttering their own brief and quiet “byes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young Kryptonian entered the school with great worry and trepidation. More worry and trepidation maybe even than she had months earlier when she had first entered these same halls.

She had decided though that today, today she was just going to try her best to go through the motions.

She had done this before – going through the school day, and so, well, she could do so again. The same arrangement, she told herself.

She went to her locker and just as she was closing it, she heard someone running up to her.

She stopped and waited, knowing that it was her powers that had let her hear them coming.

As the person got closer, she realised that it was Nia.

She adjusted her glasses.

“Hey!” Nia half-shouted to her.

“Hey.”

“Do you want to walk to class?”  
  
“Sure.”

“Sooooooooo….how are you doing?” Nia asked. Truly, she was more than a little worried about her friend. She may have been wrong, or projecting or something, but…hey she hadn’t been wrong yet, she thought to herself.

“I’m fine.”

“Um…ok. How’s Alex?” she added with a light shove of her friend’s shoulder.

“Umm…I’m sure she’s probably fine. Probably talking to Maggie or something…”

“Oh ok.”

As they neared their corresponding classrooms, they both said their goodbyes and began to part ways for now.

“See ya later, k?” Nia said.

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

Nia wondered as she went into her own classroom, what was up. Something definitely was – that she was certain of. She just knew it.

What was up with the short…almost apathetic responses she’d gotten?

She certainly didn’t strike Nia as someone who was eager, and happy, and confident after finding out more about herself and who she was. That’s what she had imagined had happened with her friend, right? She had texted Nia, excited about the research she’d done, and about telling Alex.

And maybe that’s where it went to pieces…?

Maybe it was with Alex. Maybe something had happened.

Something that her friend, K (though she really needed to talk to her about her name - in a friendly way, of course), didn’t talk to her about.

Well, _if_ something had happened.

But it probably had, and K definitely hadn’t talked to her about it. She hadn’t seemed to want to talk much at all, in fact.

That kinda hurt.

She had been trying to be nice, and well, not too weird.

But maybe that hadn’t worked.

She’d even shared important things about herself, that she hardly shares with anyone.

But maybe it had been too soon.

She’d tried to help and be supportive.

But maybe her friend didn’t want or appreciate that really.

She sighed and looked up realised she was missing completely what the teacher was saying.

She didn’t know what to do but she was sure she’d figure it out. She just hoped she’d be able to do so with the help of a certain Kryptonian friend of hers.

At the same time, she hoped that that hope wasn’t in vain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young Kryptonian sat there in her seat, in her class, just trying to be normal. Sometime early on in class that English word, and the concept in general came to her. That’s what she needed to do - “be normal”!

She felt a small boost at that thought. See, it’s simple. She just had to be normal.

She remembered her father, when he was reading about Earth, before having decided to send her here. She remembered seeing him hunched over his large, modular computer screen. And she remembered seeing a word in Kryptonian she’d never seen before… “ _girish_.” Given the context, and given her experience now on Earth, she supposed that was the computer’s attempt at “normal,” the Earth word, “normal.” There wasn’t really a word in Kryptonian for “normal.” On Krypton, there just wasn’t a need for a spoken or written word, or even the concept at all, of “normal.” On Krypton, normal simply was the way of life, as it was, or as it was meant to be. There wasn’t any need to differentiate that things weren’t normal, at least not in and of itself. If things were, by Earth standards, she guessed, “not normal,” then they would be described as a problem, perhaps, but not in _that_ way. Not as “not normal.” They would be against Rao, or not complying with the societal virtue of Unity, or…simply shunned and not talked about… At least that’s what she remembered. She admitted that she may not be the best to say about this, definitively, as she left when she was just a teenager, but still.

But even still…

She wanted to honour her past, sure, her Kryptonian heritage. But, well, she would do so as she saw fit. And right now, she would gladly welcome, the Earth concept of “normal.” She would welcome it and embrace and aim for it.

Just then the bell rang, and she looked up, realising that she had missed basically the whole class.

Oops.

She got going nevertheless, putting her things away in her bag and getting ready to leave. As she was about to leave the class though, she looked back down, starting to get lost in her thoughts. No sooner than that was starting to happen, then she bumped into someone.

Someone new.

Sure, she was new so obviously she didn’t know everyone, but she was pretty certain he was new.

“Oops! I’m so sorry!” she said, as she started trying to extricate herself from the situation.

“Hey! I don’t recognise you. I’m Mo- Mike. Mike Matthews.” Aside from the quick slip-up the boy tried to exude as much charm as possible…and anyone within a 5-mile radius would be able to tell.

The young Kryptonian, for her part though, looked up at him with the biggest smile.

The charm appeared to be being fully successful on her.

The boy continued, “So, no offense but I did see you zoning out for most of class, I do get it as well, Mrs. Weatherby can be a real snoozefest. But anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to catch-up together. I can generally do pretty well in this class, and I did take detailed notes today. So, if you want, I could show you my notes and we could go over them…together?”

The girl beside Mike was…well…charmed off her feet. She may have even been unconsciously floating just a couple millimetres off the ground in that moment.

“Yeah! That sounds great. I’d love to.” She – hopefully not too quickly – she thought, responded.

She was excited! This was going to be great! She was getting help with the class, which you know, was good. But she was also being normal! She was going to study with a classmate. You know, normal. She was going to (maybe?) make a new friend! You know, normal.

“It’s going to be good you’ll see,” she thought to herself!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MID-DECEMBER

Time continued to pass from that point in early November. For one young Kryptonian in particular though, things increasingly began feeling just not right. She felt like she was in the doldrums, so to speak. She kept trying to be normal. Whatever that meant, she thought. “Being normal,” seemed to grow harder and harder with each passing day. She had felt like, that was just the obvious, simple, perfect solution. The _human_ way. But…why was it so hard???  
  
She tried to fit in. But the thought kept nagging at her: Why fit in, if it means being someone you’re not?

She wasn’t a boy. She _knew_ that much. _Had_ known that much now for a while now. But still it seemed, felt like, she had to pretend, to be who _they_ wanted her to be.

And that…well, that…was frustrating to say the least.

To add to it was that she still felt so alone with all this.

At this point in time, she knew that Eliza knew something was up.

But she still felt no desire to talk to her about any of this, to come out, or whatever.

She could feel Eliza’s worry whenever they were both home or having a meal together or whatever. She just could…could feel it emanating from her. What worried the youngest Danvers more so, though, was that she could feel the worry from Eliza that she, Eliza, had done something wrong, had done something to upset or frustrate her youngest.

And for the youngest Danvers’ part, she just didn’t know what to do. Sure, she didn’t want to Eliza to feel that way – she felt bad about it. But at the same time, she wasn’t sure what or how to say what was going on with her – how to share it with Eliza.

Heck, she thought, I don’t even know if she’s accepting of trans people… I mean, maybe, if I come out, that will be it – say goodbye to Alex and Eliza and Midvale, and who knows where I would go…

“Wouldn’t that be fun?” she thought. At that thought, she let out a small “whoop!” Alex was always teasing her about not understanding sarcasm, and there she was using it. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were a couple bright spots, she supposed though, at the same time.

For one, Alex seemed to be becoming friendly to her again. So that had been nice. She wasn’t holding her breath out for that though. In a way she just wished, things could go back to “normal” between her and Alex.

She laughed, thinking of “normal” again.

But of course, things couldn’t just go back to “normal.” Alex, well, she wasn’t sure what was going on in Alex’s head, but she just hoped Alex’s new friendliness was genuine.

She just wasn’t quite sure what to make of Alex right now, she thought.

There was another bright spot though in her life right now, though.

She smiled even, as she thought of him.

Mike. Mike Matthews.

She was quite fond of that boy - of that she was sure. They had grown quite friendly and close after they had gone over to the diner across town to study that day last month.

From there they became fast friends.

They just vibed, she thought.

There was even some trust starting to build it would seem between them. She remembered as sometime late in November, he had confided in her that he was actually an alien. For her part, she had been excited about this revelation – excitement that only grew when he specified that he was from Daxam.

Well at that point, she had to reveal that she was Kryptonian – they were right next to each other!! Of all the planets in the world, of all the small towns on this planet, and of all the people to find each other…

He continued by revealing that his real name was Mon-El, and that he only began to use Mike when he arrived on Earth.

Though, as she remembered that moment, that had led to a bit of an awkward exchange as she could feel and understood him wanting and urging her to share her Kryptonian name in turn. She was in no position, she felt, to tell him her birth name…she guessed she didn’t trust him enough. (Which she did feel bad about.)

He already knew her Earth-given deadname…she didn’t need him knowing or latching onto any other parts of her past that she was trying to escape.

She did smile in using the term, “deadname.” She’d learned that term recently from some continued research she’d done on being trans, and she was happy with herself for having just used it casually, even if just in her own thoughts.

She did have to kind of shake her head when she thought about the fact that she (still?) hadn’t told Mike about her being, well, _her_.

She wanted to…well, in theory, she guessed. Or more so, abstractly. When she thought about the prospect of telling him more specifically and practically, she just…she grew scared.

She wished that wasn’t the case with Mike, but she couldn’t shake the fear of telling well, anyone, else, about who she really was. Especially after what happened between her and Alex… She gave a loud sigh.

Gosh, she thought, I hope I can eventually feel ok enough to tell him. I hope it goes ok. And I hope we continue just hanging out and being great friends.

She hoped life didn’t extinguish this bright spot in her life, too.

Oh! There was another bright spot, sort of, in her life right now!

Though she hadn’t been talking to Nia, well, at all, lately, something Nia said to her last month had stuck with her… She did need to do something about the whole name thing.

None of the names she currently “had,” well, fit, but she guessed she still needed one. Especially at the moment even just for herself, and in moments when she was feeling optimistic, she thought she needed one for Alex and for whenever she came out to Eliza.

And so, over the last while, she had been working on that.

Mostly, she’d been working on it in two ways. For one, she was just paying lots more attention to names. Whenever she watched tv or whatever with Alex or by herself, whenever she learned a new classmate’s name, or even just reading the news.

And then, arguably more importantly, she began keeping a little black book of names. Different names that just stood out to her.

Sometimes, she’d even go back to it and reflect on the names she’d already written and maybe even cross out some she’d changed her mind on.

She’d even had this conversation with Alex about that just a day or two ago. In a moment of vulnerability and a moment where Alex seemed to be…ok and more open, they talked...a little.

Alex had actually started it, so to speak.

“So, sis, have you given any thought to your name…?” she smiled as she said the familial diminutive. “I mean I’m sure it’s safe to assume that you’re not too keen on the one you’ve got already, right?” Alex continued.

“Yeah, actually, I have been. And you’re right: I’m definitely not too keen on any of the names I’ve got right now.

I’ve got a little black book I’ve been writing name ideas in recently, and I’ve also just been paying extra attention to names around me lately.”

Alex waited until the younger Danvers sister was done, to let out the small laugh she was holding in.

“What’s so funny?”

“Um…it’s just an Earth thing. You just used an Earth expression, but I don’t think you even realised it,” Alex explained somewhat.

Alex watched as her younger sister (yeah, she thought, her younger _sister_ ), lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Really?! What was it? What’d I say? What did it mean?” She paused for a second, before saying in a little more subdued and worried tone, “I didn’t say anything _bad_ , right?”

“No, sis, you’re fine. It’s just you said you were using a “little black book,” and well, that’s like a _thing_. A little black book is like a place where you write down, well, secrets. Generally, it even specifically refers to where you write the contact info or names of multiple boyfriends or girlfriends you have.”

She paused for a moment.

“I mean you’re fine, especially with me, hell probably with Mom too, but I might be careful using that phrase with others,” she finished with a light laugh.

“I mean it – you’re fine!” she continued as she saw how red her sister had gotten.

“Ok…thanks for telling me,” the young Kryptonian responded sheepishly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Anyway_ , the same young Kryptonian thought, as she looked out her window while reflecting on things.

Now, with all those things having happened, and well, happening, now was Christmas break! And wow, was she ever excited. Though she didn’t understand all the ins-and-outs of what it all meant, she knew two things: Alex was super excited, and it also meant no school – for two weeks!! That, she agreed was cause for celebration, of some kind at least.

It did seem that the weather was changing as well, which she still was uncertain whether she was excited about that prospect or not.

She just hoped that the uncertainty she held with something like the weather, for example, wouldn’t hold true for all the other parts of her life.

She tried thinks of “happy things,” as she got ready to go downstairs for supper with Alex and Eliza.

  1. Tomorrow Christmas break officially starts!
  2. Alex and her becoming closer!
  3. Eliza had suggested they invite friends over during break – she knew already that that meant she would get to see Maggie some, but she hoped Mike would be able to come over too. That would be fun.
  4. Christmas! – she didn’t really know _all_ about it, but she was quickly learning with Alex’s help and it sounded awesome!! Lights, and presents, and hot cocoa, and just joy!



That did it! With that last thought, she ran down the stairs, giddy with excitement again at what – she hoped – was to come!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks any and all reading this!! I appreciate it tremendously!
> 
> Please stay tuned for more and stay safe out there!
> 
> Also comment if you have any thoughts for the story or feedback!


	6. Chapter 6: Christmastime: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmastime is here!!!
> 
> Everyone's excited for everyone in the Danvers household holds Christmas close to their hearts, but each of them for different reasons and in different ways. 
> 
> For some it's more nostalgic and sometimes, nostalgia can spell disaster...
> 
> Also!
> 
> \- Christmas music is featured some!  
> \- Alex and Eliza's relationship gets a little rocky!  
> \- More Alex and Kara bonding time!  
> \- We learn some of Danvers Christmas traditions!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! It's been awhile - and it feels it! I'm glad to be back though! My dad recruited me to do graphics for a daily vlog that he did for about a month...which took *a lot* of my time!
> 
> But! We've finished that, and especially over the last few days I've devoted *a lot* more time to this story. In fact I've got the next couple chapters basically done already.
> 
> I'm excited to be sharing some more of this tale, with some writing I'm quite happy with in this and the next few chapters.
> 
> BUT! 
> 
> I do want to give a bit of a disclaimer in regard to some of what I'm talking about in this and the next couple chapters...
> 
> So, I'm white, but I did go ahead and over this and the next couple chapters talk a bit about racism. A little bit of racist behaviour occurs and the characters have to deal with that.  
> I did try to be careful, but of course, I will let y'all be the real judges of that, especially any readers of colour that may stumble upon or read this story.
> 
> In doing this kind of "arc," I understand I may have messed up majorly, but please stick with me if you would, especially as I do intend to somewhat have the discussion of racism be somewhat self-contained (though there is some other arguably good character development). 
> 
> I did try to centre the discussion and discourse (and even the racist behaviour itself) on what experience and little understanding I, as a white person holds, and can perhaps give, to these white characters, but I do at least somewhat understand that that doesn't supersede people of colour's views on such things, as well.
> 
> Anyway, I hope that doesn't scare people off too much, I hope folks still read this and might find this and enjoy this story...
> 
> Yell at me in the comments if you want, though if you feel extra nice, you could wait to air any grievances until this "arc" of sorts is done.
> 
> I am still planning generally on updating on Tuesdays, as I can and feel ready. I hadn't been ready to post for weeks but I've finally finished writing not only this "arc," but a little more, too, and so couldn't wait until next Tuesday to go ahead and post. But, expect an update next Tuesday! :)

MID-DECEMBER

_“…_

_I don’t want a lot for Christmas…”_

As soon as the famous beginning of the song was sung and heard in the Danvers family’s living room, well, really from the moment those first few notes were heard, Eliza shot daggers, well, friendly daggers to her oldest.

“Alex, turn that off. You’ve got to respect the classics! The greats!”

This was an argument that Alex and her mother had every year around this time, but every year growing less and less serious. It had begun deadly serious. Alex remembered the first time she had played the now-classic, Mariah Carey song, and well, even in retrospect, Eliza seemed to explode at her. In the end it had taken her Dad to intervene and mediate of a sort. That had been what seemed like _years and years_ ago now.

Both of them now, understood, well sometimes it felt more like they were, well, _trying_ to understand, that really, in the Danvers family, though Christmas was very important to the both of them, they each held it differently in their hearts. Each tightly, but, well, in different places, so to speak.

Now, though there was a new person as part of the family to share Christmas and its meaning(s) and traditions with.

There was also one less person than the year before, but…they were going to try to not think about that all that much.

And so, it continued, this year, between Alex and Eliza.

Alex had turned her back for a moment, and in that split second, Eliza grabbed Alex’s phone that had been playing the music and…

_“Come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum_

_A newborn king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum_

_Our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum_

_Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum_

_Peace on Earth can it be_

_…”_

“Mom! That’s cheating!” she said before hurrying back to her phone.

_“It was December 24th on Hollis Ave after dark_

_When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park…”_

“Oh, is it now? I didn’t realise we had strict rules about…” Eliza responded before frowning as she heard what was now playing.

“Alexandra Danvers! Turn off that horrid, angry music right now.”

This time, Alex wasn’t even sure if she was joking. This was new. She thought “Christmas in Hollis,” would be a fun “secret weapon,” but at the same time, she didn’t think her Mom would react this way.

“Um…Mom…?”

Alex let a moment pass.

“It is still Christmas music, you know. And just because its black people singing, or even rapping,” she said loudly trying to match her Mom’s volume, while a growing smirk appeared on her face, “doesn’t mean that its actually all that bad, and not even really angry at all.

Unless you’re going to tell me that the great Eliza Danvers, the woman of such intellect is…racist?”

Eliza stood there, with a dumbfounded look on her face, looking straight at Alex.

She couldn’t believe Alex had just said that.

It was in that moment - the moment where Eliza and Alex stood at a standstill, currently looking anywhere but at each other, though otherwise facing each other still – that, a still tired, and sleepy, young Kryptonian walked down the stairs and over into the living room.

She saw both of them, in the states they were in and couldn’t quite believe it. Truthfully, she didn’t quite believe it when she had woken up to the sounds of their growing argument, ( _quite_ loud really, as she was still working a little here and there at keeping things mostly tuned out and quiet), but now seeing them like this… Alex sporting an increasingly worried look, and Eliza looking like she was in the process of re-examining her whole life.

It made her kind of worried. Sure, Alex and Eliza had their problems from time to time, but they were close, and she thought, especially the way Alex was looking…well, she just wasn’t sure what was going on.

Having heard the basis of the argument though, from upstairs she knew from where it had started. She also realised that somehow, they still weren’t seeing that she had come down already.

And so, quietly as she could she stepped over to where Alex’s phone had been left with “Christmas in Hollis” still playing in the background.

And put on…

_“Sleigh bells ring, are you listening_

_In the lane, snow is glistening_

_The beautiful sight, we're happy tonight_

_Walking in a winter wonderland…”_

_(specifically, the Pentatonix version with “Don’t Worry Be Happy”)_

Alex snapped out of the daze first.

“Hey!” She turned and smiled at her sister. Then, tilting her head toward her phone, she listened a tad more intently to the new song…

“And Pentatonix, right?” she asked, though really, she knew the answer already.

Her sister gave her a small smile in response.

“Nice choice,” Alex responded.

Which gave her an even wider smile in return.

“Yes, I actually quite like this version,” Eliza said as she approached them.

Alex stepped back awkwardly.

She just wasn’t sure how to proceed with her Mom now.

Over the years she had grown to learn that her Mom was a nuanced, multi-faceted person, including when it came to Christmas and Christmas music.

But after an outburst like this morning’s…

Well, she just wasn’t sure where that left things.

Did her Mom really believe that just because the music (the _Christmas_ music) was rap and sung by black people that it was bad and angry sounding?

Well, she just didn’t know.

She had grown to know her Mom for some time now, over her time growing up. She was great and loving, and well, she loved her Mom quite a lot. Her Mom was smart and accomplished, as a biologist and even a little in xenobiology. She was learned with several degrees to her name. Her Mom was also caring and compassionate and always tried to help the community including local organisations.

And well, she always facilitated lively discussions about politics and just the world around them.

  
All that to say, she was just _so_ surprised to hear the words her Mom had said…and for them to have come from her.

Frankly, it also seriously worried her.

She had been thinking, and had even talked to Maggie about, the possibility of her coming over to Alex’s for a visit over the break. And she had talked about the possibility so freely with Maggie at least, in part, because of her great confidence that her Mom would be completely fine with it.

Now she wasn’t so sure.

This was just a whole different world now. One where she just was…uncertain, at least about her Mom.

Maggie was Latinx, and well, who was to say how her Mom would react to seeing her.

In any case, she was certainly less excited about the prospect of Maggie coming over now, but she knew she would figure this out and face it.

Slowly, the sounds of a Christmas song began to fill her senses again. The other must have finished as this was definitely no longer Pentatonix…

_“…_

_We're here tonight_

_And that's enough_

_Simply having a wonderful Christmas time_

_Simply having a wonderful Christmas time_

_The party's on_

_The feeling's here”_

Ah, yes, meanwhile it was Christmastime… _great_ …

“Yes, Alex, its true.” Eliza said in response to the look that Alex was inadvertently wearing.

Alex now fully out her thoughts, looked at Eliza distantly. She was, definitely still, just…uncertain about her Mom… but at the same time she couldn’t just ignore her.

  
“Ok, Mom,” she eventually replied, trying and somewhat failing at keeping her sigh and frustration out of her voice.

Eliza looked away and simply let the comment go. She was busy with her own personal, introspective, existential crisis, of sorts, re-examining her life. She wasn’t wholly sure where that left things with Alex. But she resolved that soon, whenever that was exactly, she would sort things out with her. Make things right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day continued from there. The air was tense, and everyone felt it.

The youngest and newest member of the Danvers family, for her part, tried to lighten the mood. After the argument she charged herself with DJ duties – trying to play a good mix of classics and newer songs, though never too many outrightly _older_ songs, in any case though definitely trying to please both involved parties (well, and herself as well – she was quickly learning to _love_ Christmas). She tried not to be too overt or to actually speak tons, as well, as she quickly learned that that resulted in Eliza, well, deadnaming her, and well, that wasn’t super fun. Though Eliza seemed to be trying to be nice when doing…well, obliviously so might be even more apt a description, she thought.

She quickly and super quietly let out a little sigh as she continued helping to decorate.

Eliza did task her with grabbing all the Christmas decorations from the attic…which she may have done by showing off and bringing them all down at once. They all shared a laugh at that.

Though that moment was ruined for the Kryptoninan when Eliza made a comment about liking still having a strong man around the house even with Jeremiah gone.

That was hard.

Alex even got silent and all the more stone-faced.

The youngest Danvers clammed up as well.

She recognised it as being meant as a compliment though, and tried to recognise it fully as such…but… That just wasn’t who she was…well, not yet at least…she wasn’t ready to stand up for herself in such a way…wasn’t ready to come out to Eliza…not yet…

Nevertheless though, not wanting to disappoint her adoptive mother, she quietly uttered a, “thanks.”

Eliza, for her part recognised that something was amiss, something was wrong in well, now both of her children. That did not sit well with her, but at the same time she knew she had some things to sort through within herself. But she would come back to this. She would figure this out. They would figure this out, together, as a family.

She would mend things with Alex, and now her youngest as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the Christmas decorating had been going by quietly and agonisingly before, it was ten times more so now.

The three of them worked slowly and methodically, each now in their own worlds, together and yet so far apart from each other now.

_“…_

_What a bright time, it's the right time_

_To rock the night away_

_Jingle bell time is a swell time_

_To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh”_

Even Eliza held her tongue at her annual sharing of nostalgic memories with each of the baby ornaments, or the anniversary ornaments, or the ornaments that marked other special moments that had been in the Danvers family.

Everyone struggled when it was time to place the star on the tree though. Even the newest member of the family, to a lesser extent, struggled, being able to recognise the additional tension in the air.

Eliza had found it in its place in the box. She took it out, examining it.

Alex soon saw what she held and soon they were both just wearily eyeing it, neither of them knowing what would, or should, happen next.

The Kryptonian among them suddenly remembered something though. Something Alex wasn’t even remembering.

Alex and her had recently had a conversation – one of several they had had of Alex trying to psych her up for Christmas – and Alex had brought up the fact that tradition was, in the family, that the star, was traditionally put on the tree by the youngest in the family. Of course, for as long as Alex could remember that had been her, but she had even said to her new sister, that she supposed this year it might be her as opposed to Alex.

The [star](https://www.dropbox.com/s/ox5izvii67496eo/tree%20topper%201950s%202.jpg?dl=0) was practically revered within the Danvers family. It had been passed down through Eliza’s family, through at least a few family members until Eliza and hers got it. It was revered though more so because of it being held as a symbol within the family. Though to some the sight of Santa in the Macy’s Parade meant the start of the Christmas season, for the Danvers’, including Jeremiah when he had been around, Christmastime didn’t truly begin until the star was placed on the tree. The star hadn’t received this great meaning overnight certainly, and if you asked any of the Danvers, they probably wouldn’t be able to tell you how it happened exactly, but little by little, over time, the status was cemented. It probably had something to do with the fact that pretty quickly it became tradition that the star would be the last decoration of the whole Christmas decorating operation to be put in place.

In any case, the star held a special place within the family. It was cherished and treasured, without a doubt.

Now Alex didn’t use all those words, but she certainly did try to impart some of the importance the star held within the family that her sister was now a part of.

And so, in the midst of the tense stare-off between Eliza and Alex, the other, forgotten party quietly, but more importantly carefully grabbed the star from Eliza’s hands.

She looked up at her target for a second, sizing it up, looked back at both Alex and Eliza, before quickly and carefully flying up to the top of the tree to place the star where it needed to go, situating it carefully on and among the very top of the tree.

Alex smiled at her as she came back down, now remembering their conversation from the other day.

Eliza was smiling too, though she did, with said smile on her face, reprimand her youngest for using her powers. “Someone still might have seen you!” she’d said.

Alex sighed heavily at that.

With the star placed in its spot, and all the boxes emptied, the house could now be declared definitely decorated, festive as could be even if that festiveness was not being particularly felt in the hearts of the Danvers who occupied it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They sat down afterwards to a late breakfast, each of them steadfast in maintaining their silence.

The Kryptonian of the three of them, tried occasionally, to break the ice, but to no avail.

…

Finally, something shifted, at least a little, at least for Eliza.

“Well, kids, thanks for helping decorate.

…

Do you want to invite some friends over? Maybe in the next few days?”

The youngest Danvers smiled up to Eliza at that.

“Yeah! That sounds fun, Eliza. Thanks.

Don’t you think so, too, Alex?”

She said the last part while kicking Alex lightly (as lightly as she could) under the table.

Alex for her part, continued wearing the same sullen expression she’d had on for most of the day.

“Yeah, sure,” Alex eventually muttered.

Eliza quietly sighed.

Though not quiet enough for the super-powered being next to her not to hear.

And so, Eliza’s youngest piped up again, “Yeah, thanks though, Eliza. I’m certainly excited and hopeful that maybe my friend Mike could come over…would that be ok?”

“I’m sure it would be, honey,” Eliza responded.

“May I be excused?” Alex spoke up.

“Yes.” That was all Eliza let out in response.

Not too long later, the young Kryptonian excused herself as well and rushed upstairs.

As she approached the door, she heard something emanating from behind it…

_“Nights are getting shorter now, hot chocolate_

_Fills the air and Christmas cheer does, too_

_Pick a merry old Christmas tree, so lovely_

_The joy this time here brings to you_

_Santa's coming to town_

_(Oh, da da da, oh, da da da)_

_(Oh, da da da, oh, da da da)_

_(Oh, da da da)_

_Santa's coming to town”_

She didn’t recognise the song, but it certainly sounded fun.

She hoped Alex would talk to her about it, well that and other things…she definitely had things she wanted to talk to Alex about.

She opened the door quietly and slipped in.

“That’s a fun song…I mean…that’s a fun song.” She had to repeat herself as with all the staying quiet earlier, her voice…well…it didn’t sound right.

“Ugh…I hate this voice…” She tried to whisper that part. However, due to the frustration in her voice, it was still loud enough for Alex to hear.

“Hey kid – come here,” Alex responded, as she opened her arms to welcome her sister into a hug

The younger of the two looked up to see Alex’s eyes red, indicating she’d been crying after breakfast. For her part, she found herself breaking down, in Alex’s arms. Lightly, slowly, at first, tears began flowing.

They sat there, the two of them, for who knows how long, just there, letting the tears flow.

Eventually the younger of the two pulled away slowly.

There they sat, still, quietly, across from each other, teary-eyed, just being in the stillness – together.

Finally, the younger of them, let out in a quick breath, “Howareyoudoing?”

Alex let out a quick, breathy laugh - “Sorry?”

“Sorry – how are you doing, Alex?”

Alex let out a long sigh.

“How are _you_ doing, K?” quickly adding, “Is that ok, calling you, ‘K’, especially when it’s just us?”

The “K” in question, let out her own, breathy laugh at that. “Yeah, sure.”

“Are you sure? Why the laugh?” Alex responded, her voice full of care with just a little questioning.

“Oh, nothing, just that my friend Nia asked pretty much the exact same thing.” She frowned as she spoke of her friend.

“Oh. Right.” Alex responded.

Silence passed between them for a moment again, as they both went back inwards to their thoughts.

Alex looked back up, “You should work on your name some more though. At least for me, and well, yourself, I guess.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” she received in response. Now it was her turn to look and sound sullen.

She straightened up suddenly, though, doing whatever she could to try to hide the sullenness, the sadness, the frustration she was feeling inside, as she looked at Alex with as much determination as she could muster, and said, “So. What exactly happened between you and Eliza? I heard it all – not only were you not being quiet, but you know, super hearing – but I just don’t understand why you seem this upset. I get it’s probably because I’m not from here, not from this planet, but I _want_ to understand.

And then you seemed to get even more upset…which I don’t really understand either, though I think that was when Eliza said that one…um…well…comment…about me.

But I just don’t understand. Help me understand, Alex.”

She paused at that, but before Alex even had the chance to speak, she continued…

“Look, I came here, months ago now, upending your lives. You and I didn’t even get along at all at first. But during that time, nevertheless, what _I_ was doing, was watching. Watching and learning. And what I saw, day after day, was the loving, awesome, beautiful mother-daughter relationship between you and Eliza.

That is what impressed me…” she paused, a smile slowly growing on her face, before continuing, eager to see Alex’s reaction – she liked, occasionally, playing with Alex - “… _hell_ , it reminded me of my relationship between me and my Mom, even as short as it was.

And let me tell you, though I really haven’t been here that long, you have continued to _both_ impress me in those ways. I love watching the great relationship you have…what you are able to have as mother and daughter. I wish I could have had that…I’m never going to have that…I never _did_ have that…not as who I really am…”

She paused again, to catch her breath and sigh, but quickly picked back up, before Alex could speak, though a little more tentatively now.

“Look, what I’m saying is…fix this! Make it go back to normal. I want the you and Eliza I know - back. Please.

Oh, but do explain things to me – I want to understand too, not just see normal again.

Ok?”

Alex looked down and sighed quietly.

She looked back up and saw…well, she saw…she saw fierce determination, and fierce, fiery hope…and…well…how could she say no to that?  
  
“Ok.” She resolutely stated.

“This might take a while,” she added, looking around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it folks! Christmastime Part 1 for this story!
> 
> I hope you were still able to enjoy that. 
> 
> Comment if you'd like - I'd appreciate it (especially if you're nice, but either way). 
> 
> As I said above, if you feel like yelling at me after reading this, feel free, but, if you wouldn't mind waiting until after the next two chapters, that'd be appreciated as well.
> 
> Thanks to anyone who is or will be sticking with me! :)


	7. Chapter 7: Christmastime: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex talk...and talk...and talk... :)
> 
> Lots of feels and lots of tough discussion had between the two of them. 
> 
> Directly follows the previous chapter, with more trans talk and more inner thoughts from Kara, plus just overall more Kara and Alex bonding time!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so, today's #blackouttuesday and particularly as I'm in the US right now (though really these problems plague us all), I just feel the need to firmly state: Black Lives Matter. 
> 
> Also, if you can, please read up on issues surrounding racism (wherever you are), and even specifically anti-black racism.
> 
> And, if you can, donate to worthy organisations. I'm including a link here to an Autostraddle list of 74 bail funds, based in the US, but if there are other orgs doing important work where you are, than please, if you can donate there, or donate there as well.
> 
> (https://www.autostraddle.com/43-bail-funds-you-can-absolutely-support-right-now/)
> 
> So here we go! Christmastime Part 2!!! 
> 
> Again, like I said in front of the last chapter, please, if you would bear with me with this "arc." Especially if you're airing grievances, you could, maybe, wait until this bit is resolved after the next chapter. But in any case, thank you anyone who is bearing with me and (still) reading this!! 
> 
> Hope folks enjoy!

_“This might take a while,” she added, looking around._

“Sounds good,” the younger of them responded, with a slight nod of the head and a certain genuine eagerness now in her voice. She was hopeful and happy that Alex was talking now.

“Well…where to start?” she said as she looked up and let out a small laugh.

“Well, you’re right. Mom and I have always had a pretty great relationship. I love that she’s there for me, and I think she would say the same basically. We care for each other and…and well…she’s awesome…she’s just so smart and accomplished…she knows more than I’ll _ever, ever, **ever**_ know!!

I just…I’ve grown to have this image of who Mom is, to me at least, I guess, in my head and well, today, with what she said she managed to…to shake that for me.

This morning, we were having a friendly Christmas music fight, fighting over the type of music that was playing. We do it every year. It began years ago very serious, but now it’s been just fun, and full of teasing, but _fun_.”

She sighed heavily, before gathering her thoughts.

“Ok, so, I’ve only met you and your cousin from your planet, but were there people who looked different than you two on Krypton? Like their skin looked different, you know, darker skin, for example?”

“Oh, definitely.”

“I see.” Alex sighed.

“Well, have you heard of racism, or being racist, before? Like before this morning, I guess?”

“Sort of.”

“Oh, ok,” Alex responded. “How?”

“Well, I’ve heard it from school. It’s always sounded like a mean, or bad thing.”

“Yeah…

You know about stereotypes, right? I’ve talked to you about those before, right?”

Alex hardly knew how she was going to explain this, but she was going to try.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Yeah,” Alex continued, “well, there are a lot of stereotypes about different people because of their skin color.”

“That’s um…” her sister paused thinking of the right word – “stupid.”

“Yeah,” Alex sighed, “it is.”

“But um…anyway…” she continued, “you know about rap music?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Yeah, well, that music originated within African American communities, and well, yeah…”

Alex looked across at her sister, to see that she looked a bit lost.

She sighed. “It’s a little hard to explain.”

“So, anyway one of the stereotypes about rap music, that then gets carried over by some people on to black people, is that it’s loud, angry, foul, bad, violent, whatever, stuff like that.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Of course, it’s a stereotype. Not all rap music is like that, and such a stereotype definitely shouldn’t then be carried over to people.”

“Of course, the other thing right,” Alex continued further, “about racism, racist stereotypes and such, is about power and such. Like we’re white, right…”

She trailed off as she looked across from her to see her sister look at her as though she’d grown another head.

“White?” she asked, sounding as confused as could be. “Like a ghost? Like paper? Like…”

Before the girl from another planet could continue, Alex cut her off. “No. Sorry. It’s just the way the whole system works with race around here, at least. Here at least, I am considered, well, and you would be too, ‘white.’”

Looking across from her, Alex saw less confusion though it hadn’t completely dissipated.

“Stay with me, ok? So, as I was starting to say this stuff’s also about power, right? So white people have been for years in a position of power, like societally, in many places, certainly around here, like for years and years. And well, unfortunately, they have just been um…not great about that to say the least. So, like, I think, being racist is like trying to use your position of power, or take advantage of it, to be like prejudiced against people of different races.”

She saw her sister still bearing a somewhat confused look on her face. “Now, I know, the system doesn’t entirely make sense-”

“It doesn’t make sense at all!” the alien facing her interrupted.

“Well –”

“No!” the alien continued, “No, ‘wells’! It just doesn’t make any sense! One of my best friends growing up…had…darker skin than me…” She slowed, as she spoke the last part, struggling to utilise the framework Alex was providing…how this planet apparently operated.

“And you’re saying, what, that I should’ve been thinking that I was _better than her_ all that time? Just because her skin looked a bit different?

That’s ridiculous!”

Alex sighed.

“I mean you’re right it’s not a great system. And really there’s more to it than what I was just saying. But yeah…

Though, really, like in your example, it’s not necessarily that you would have or needed to think more highly of yourself than her, but like if you were here, society would, well, now will really, make life easier for you and give you more advantages in life. And the sad thing is you might not even recognise it.

Though I don’t want to say that that type of stuff doesn’t happen with people here. Like there are lots of people, who for whatever reason think they’re better than many just because of the color of their skin.”

Alex sighed, as she continued to work to consider her words more carefully than she really did usually.

She knew she was probably not explaining these things properly but, she was determined now. She had started and wasn’t going to give up.

“Anyway,” Alex continued, “that’s what Mom was talking about this morning. And that’s why I was so frustrated, I guess.   
  
I played a Christmas rap song, and Mom said she didn’t like it, basically using racist stereotypes of black people.”

As she noticed her sister still sporting a look of confusion, she tried to continue.

“Like the thing is, that stereotypes about groups of people aren’t things we want to use or spread because then that spreads the idea, they’re ok or that we agree with what they are saying.  
  


Like with Mom, in a way it’s not even a problem in a way, as she just said it to me at home, but the scary thing to me is what it means. Like, does she seriously think that way? I don’t know. I mean, if she does, she certainly might say that type of stuff out and about, too!

  
Like think of kids at school, or your friend from Krypton who have or had different skin tones. I guess what I’m trying to say is you wouldn’t want to spread stereotypes or ideas about who they were because of their skin color, right?

Like my friend Maggie, you’ve met her a few times, right?”

Facing her, her sister nodded her head and said, “Yeah! She seems neat. You should have her over during break!”

“Yeah…” Alex sighed.

“But that’s what I’m saying in a way – like she’s Latinx, and there are stereotypes about Latinx folks, too. What if she comes over and Mom starts asking her about if she does or deals drugs, or something…?” She trailed off as a scowl appeared on her face.

“She does drugs?” Alex received as a response.

“No! K, that’s just a _stereotype_ of Latinx folks.

And even if she did, that doesn’t mean anyone should assume that about her.” She said the last part quietly.

“But do you get what I’m saying…sort of? Like, I know it’s a lot…and I’m probably not really explaining it right…but…I hope it kind of makes sense?”

Luckily for Alex, it was starting to begin to make sense for the girl facing her.

“Yeah, kind of, I think. I mean it’s all really…” Alex smiled, as she saw her make a funny face, “…weird.”

“Yeah, it is…”

“But I don’t fully get why you got so cold to Eliza?”

“Well, with the argument, like I was saying, it’s kind of like I feel like I just don’t really know who she is right now. Like, as I was kind of saying… _could_ Maggie come over?”

She barely audibly whispered the question.

“Would that just be too awkward or just bad? I mean I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what she would do or say…like at all.”

Alex looked up from the floor to see her sister sporting a giant frown.

“Ok,” the Kryptonian began, “now I’m only just learning as I go about this planet and its customs and cultures, so I don’t really know for sure… But what I have seen are you and Eliza…and, well, I guess, I don’t think she would react badly to Maggie – that’s for sure. She loves you, Alex.

Now, as I say, I don’t know about all the other stuff really, and you may be right, maybe she’s…saying things she shouldn’t be saying, I guess…but…maybe listen to her first, maybe?”

Alex sighed and reached across to ruffle her sister’s hair. “How’d you get so damn wise?! You know just what to say…”

“Must be my brainy alien brain, I guess!”

They both shared a laugh at that.

“Ok, but,” the Kryptonian said, continuing the conversation, “was there something else going on with you earlier?”

Alex sighed.

“No. Well, yes.

I mean, I guess I just feel for you so, now. Eliza kept using your old name and using the wrong pronouns about you, and then…and then, she made that stupid comment about having a man around still! I mean I was already starting to think she’s more clueless than I ever thought, but…but…seriously?!

There are no men in this house!!”

Alex said the last part especially, much louder than her sister would have liked.

Alex looked back down at her to find her shrinking away from her and looking timidly and worriedly around.

“Could you say that any louder?” the youngest Danvers whispered to Alex.

Alex sighed.

“Sorry. That was a little loud, I admit.”

“I just,” she continued, “as I said, I feel for you.

…

I’ve been doing some reading, too, you know.

Like, I want to be supportive and here for you – I _am_ here for you.

And I know, I shouldn’t, and I don’t want to – really, I don’t – want to pressure you to do anything about this. You should be able to come out to her, or anyone, or whatever, whenever _you_ want…

But it’s just hard.”

Alex gave a light laugh at that, thinking to herself that it probably was certainly to some degree or another harder for the person facing her, than what she was describing for herself.

“ _Anyway_ …

What about you? What’s up? I want to hear from you.

I haven’t seen or heard about Nia from you for a while…?”

Her sister sighed.

“I don’t know…

I mean, appreciate your support though. I like talking to you, like having your shoulder to lean on. As I’d said, we weren’t close at first. Then we got closer, but now it feels so good…to be out to you, and to just…yeah, have your support.

It’s hard with Eliza… I’m not really feeling ready to come out to her. But you’re not wrong really, I mean for me too, for me especially, it hurts when she says stuff like that.

But, I mean, know it comes from a place of love…I just don’t know where her limits are, at the same time…

Like she knew she was taking in an alien from a faraway planet, but did she know she was taking in a _trans girl_ from a faraway planet? Maybe she wouldn’t _love_ me if she knew that about me,” she finished, looking smaller as she looked down with a small frown on her face. She had said the word “love” just then with a strange far-off look to her face, as well.

She had been thinking about that a lot lately. The concept of “love,” and well, just questioning how genuine Eliza was with her love to her.

Even more so, though, she had been worrying about how said love, might change if she came out to her.

Like, ok, so, she thought Eliza had been seeming a little weird and off around her lately, but maybe that was just because she could now actually put more a name to all these feelings, including words like, deadname, and misgendering…and now she could clearly assign these to things that Eliza was doing.

So yeah, that sucked, but really it was the other that worried her more. _If_ , fine, _when_ , she said to herself, she came out to Eliza, what in the world would happen? She just wasn’t sure. She kept creating scenarios in her mind of what _might_ happen…and well she didn’t like any of them.

She’d been reading about other people’s experiences online, and…they scared her.

What if she got kicked out? Where would she go? Could she still see Alex? Or…?

What if she didn’t get kicked out but Eliza was to be always on edge and aggressive towards her then? That wouldn’t be any fun…

What if…?

What if…?

What if…?

…

“K?

K…?  
  
Hey sis…?”

The Kryptonian finally looked up from the floor, as she left her thoughts behind. Realising Alex was calling her though, she grew more alert.

Alex, noticing that her sister was back, so to speak, started to speak some more, “Are you ok, there? You looked like you just completely zoned on me…”

“Yeah…I’m fine…just…I don’t know…a lot of scary thoughts, I guess…” She trailed off with a worried look on her face.

Alex noticed and commented, “Were you still thinking about Eliza and coming out stuff?”

Her sister gave a small head nod.

Alex sighed.

“Look, I really can’t promise anything I mean hell, I don’t know how I feel about her really, right now, but I can tell you one thing, no matter what happens, _I’ll_ be there for you, ok? Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out, and we will do it together, ok?”

The Kryptonian in front of her looked up at her, with a growing smile.

“Thanks, Alex that means a lot.”

“Certainly, kid,” Alex replied.

The Kryptonian thought for a moment, before speaking again, somewhat reluctant to share what she was about to share. But in the end, she decided to go for it. They were sharing things, and she did, she told herself, trust Alex, so…

“You know, when you said that…it reminded me of something. And well, not just any something…”

“Oh?” Alex said quickly before she could continue.

“Yeah. Well, I mean that’s the thing. It’s a Kryptonian thing and it just feels so close and personal…well I guess sort of far-away now.” She gave a hollow laugh.

“It’s…it’s my family motto. ‘El Mayarah.’” She stopped, and sat there, facing Alex with a happy look on her face.

Alex, however, was a little confused. Alex was a little rusty on her non-existent Kryptonian – a fact her sister seemed to be forgetting.

She then, in hopes that her sister would continue speaking and explain further, raised an eyebrow at her and leaned forward slightly.

The Kryptonian finally clued into what Alex was getting at. “Oh! Sorry. I forget that was Kryptonian. You don’t speak Kryptonian. Right.

Just a second,” she added as the gears started to turn while she tried to translate the phrase in her head to English.

And then she had it. She looked up at Alex with the biggest smile on her face, and said quite confidently, “Stronger Together.”

Alex smiled back at her, with a smile growing on her own face… “Stronger Together… I like it. It’s a great sentiment, and well, yeah, captures what I was just saying to you.”

“Yeah,” the youngest Danvers replied. She still had the giant smile on her face and was starting to feel…well, starting to feel just so _happy_. More than she ever had while on this planet.

They sat there for a minute, each of them sporting their massive smiles, and just feeling _good_ , feeling _connected_ , and feeling just _content_.

Alex left the reverie first.

“Now – what about Nia? You seemed to have a made a close friend in her and now I haven’t heard a peep about her…??”

The youngest Danvers sighed.

“Yeah…I should maybe reach back out to her…I don’t know…I mean it’s been a month, now…”

“But what happened?”

“I decided to try to be normal and she was trying to talk about my transness a bunch, basically, it felt like reminding me so much and so often of how different I am… Plus, I started hanging out with Mike, now…I’m just not sure the two of them would like each other much…”

“Oh... I guess that kinda makes sense.” Alex said quietly and somewhat sadly. She could tell there was more to the story, but decided to drop the subject for now, knowing that sometime - and hopefully soon, she thought - they would get back to the subject. She really thought Nia and her sister had clicked so well…she just wished her sister could see it.

“But tell me more about Mike.”

“Well, he’s nice to me and he helps me study whenever I get behind in classes, which is nice. He’s also…” She thought for a second before divulging the next part but decided nevertheless that _she_ certainly trusted Alex, even if Alex and Mike hadn’t even met yet.

“…a Daxamite,” she finished with a smile.

Once again, Alex sported a confused look… “I’m guessing that’s a different alien species…?”

“Yeah! Well, more specifically, it means he’s from the neighboring planet to Krypton!!”

“Oh!” Alex returned with a gobsmacked look on her face.

“Yeah!” the Kryptonian continued, “It’s just so nice knowing him. It reminds me of home so much. Plus, I’m pretty sure his family’s at least kind of…” she paused trying to find the right word in English, “-rich,” she finally decided on. “Which really, just reminds me of home even more, in a way...” she continued, her voice now taking on a much more wistful sound, “I mean the House of El was basically nobility on Krypton. We were looked up to as key figures and leaders in Kryptonian society…well, not really me, yet…but! I was the youngest inductee into the Science Guild on Krypton, so, how about that for status, right?” She concluded her reminiscing with a bright smile on her face, again.

“Wow. That’s pretty impressive…well…all of that actually…” as Alex reconsidered trying to pinpoint the most amazing part, to her, of all of what had just been revealed to her.

  
“So, is he coming over during break, though? I’d love to meet him.”

“Well, I hope so. I haven’t actually asked him yet, though. Hopefully!” was the youngest Danvers response.

“Great.”

The conversation continued further after that, the both of them talking freely and openly, though trying to keep things a little lighter now. Alex did finally share with her sister, the joys of Sia’s Christmas album, which she had been playing earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> I hope this story is finding you well and doing ok (or as ok as *you* can be right now - these are wild, tumultuous times). 
> 
> Feel free to give a kudos and/or a comment, especially if you enjoyed this!
> 
> Thanks!!


	8. Chapter 8: Christmastime Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter!
> 
> \- Maggie and Alex talk!
> 
> \- Alex and Eliza talk!
> 
> \- Alex remembers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks!
> 
> Thanks for reading this.
> 
> We're on to Christmastime Part 3, which means the last of my mini "working-on-being-anti-racist" arc.  
> Since it's now over, like I've been saying over the last two chapters, *now* you can send any criticism over this "arc" specifically, that I guess you may have been keeping in.  
> We'll see I guess.
> 
> I also thought I'd just let readers know that there'll probably be a lot more chapters set during Christmastime, like these. I'm having fun writing them, and I still have a bunch of ideas that I've written out as short, general ideas, that I'd like to have happen during this time. (Including Kara finding her name - watch for that!!)
> 
> I definitely do have *lots* of ideas and places I want to go with this story, so if you've liked any or all you've read so far - stay tuned! The only thing hindering me is time and my emotional energy, but fingers crossed I can still post regularly!

Later, after lunch (another torturous meal), the Danvers sisters went upstairs, back to their room. Alex dragged her feet – more than usual – as she was trying to text Maggie at the same time.

Her sister noticed and decided to let her have her space. After all, she thought, her and Alex had had plenty of good bonding time earlier.

Alex had had the thought partway through the meal to text Maggie but didn’t want to break her Mom’s rule of no electronics at the dining table. As soon as she ate her last bite, and received permission to be excused, though, the phone came out.

**You:**

> Hey Mags…how’s it going?
> 
> Winter break going ok so far?

**Sawyer:**

> Hey yourself Danvers
> 
> It’s going.

**You:**

> Hope things aren’t too bad…
> 
> If you want – we could talk about it?

She waited a moment to see if Maggie would reply, but eventually gave up. She couldn’t help herself – she badly wanted to talk to her about what had happened with her Mom.

**You:**

> Ok, well, let me know, but if you don’t mind, I’ve got something I want to talk to you about…maybe get your opinion on…

**Sawyer:**

> Shoot

**You:**

> Well, so, I got in a bad fight with my mom
> 
> She said something racist and I called her out on it.
> 
> It just freaked me out like…I just didn’t think that was the type of person she was

**Sawyer:**

> Oh shit.
> 
> Ok…so what exactly happened? What did she do?

**You:**

> Well, we were playing Christmas music this morning, as we were decorating, but then she said that _Christmas in Hollis_ was, and I quote, “horrid, angry music,” when I played it.

Alex could see that Maggie was already typing up a response, but she kept on talking.

  
**You:**

> It just really freaked me out, yknow?

> Like my mom and I are close, and I just thought I knew her, yknow? But this just scares me…

**Sawyer:**

> Ooookay…so deep breaths here, Danvers. Ok?

Alex nodded, though she knew that obviously Maggie wouldn’t see it.

**Sawyer:**

> Ok, so I understand what you’re saying.
> 
> But really, I think you should talk to her. And I do mean talk to her. Like both of you talking together about this, ok?

Alex looks at text and starts to grow angry and frustrated. She and Maggie are close…and well, so, she should know her better than this! How can she just be like that – tell her to just _talk_ to her about this?!

**You:**

> I just thought you, of all people, would understand.

**Sawyer:**

> Um…Danvers, I can interpret that a couple different ways… Tell me how you meant it and say it quick

Alex grew worried. She looked back over her text, scrambling, trying to see what it was she had said wrong.

**Sawyer:**

> Danvers…

Alex sighed. She tried to think it through. What was she thinking when she had typed that last text of hers…?

She said, “you, _of all people..._ ” Why did she phrase it that way? Well, she quickly continued her train of thought, she just thought Maggie, as a person of color would understand the troubles when calling someone out for racist behavior. I mean that was it, right, that made sense? Like, why wouldn’t Maggie be more supportive considering she’s a person of color? Like, it was people like Maggie that she was defending in calling out racism like that from her Mom, right?

She sighed and frowned at that last thought.

No, she said to herself, she wasn’t doing it _for_ people of color, like Maggie…not like for their honor or dignity, or whatever…

No.

No, she was doing because it was the right thing to do…right?

She sighed again. Louder this time.

Her sister looked over at her this time. She had been trying to give her space, but…

“Are you ok there? Also, are you just going to let your phone ring?”

Alex saw her sister’s look of genuine worry and tried to look happy for her.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry…”

“Um…ok…” the Kryptonian reluctantly said, looking back down at her own phone.

Alex’s attention though finally went to the other thing her sister had said – her phone. She looked to see it still ringing and ringing.

Maggie, it said.

She grimaced but picked it up.

“Hey,” she quietly muttered into her phone.

“- Is for horses. Now, you’re lucky I like you and am still giving you the benefit of the doubt, Danvers.

Now, again, what did you mean by your last text?”

Alex sighed.

“You’ve had plenty of time to think about it, now, Alex.”

Alex knew it was even more serious than she had thought, now. Maggie always called her Danvers. It was just her thing, or, well, their thing.

So, her calling her Alex – she knew this was serious.

“Ok, so listen - ”

“Oh, I’m listening, Alex and this had better be good.”

“Well, that’s just it. It’s not and I see that now. I didn’t get it when I sent that text, but I think I kinda do now.”

“Ok… Go on.”

“Well, I guess I was under some misguided impression that you would know more about calling out racism and just like feel as frustrated as I was about what happened with my Mom because you’re Latinx.

And maybe even that when I call out racism, I’m doing it _for_ people of color or something…” she finished quietly.

She could hear Maggie sigh on the other end.

“Ok, Danvers listen up.

That’s some bad reasoning you came up with there, I’ll tell you that, but I’ll also say I’ve heard it before.”

Maggie laughed briefly.  
“And you know, I heard that type of reasoning just a little while ago, when _someone_ was telling me about what _their_ Mom was doing.”

Alex groaned.

“You’re right.”

“Listen, I’m not some guru, or whatever, but I do just want to make sure you get one thing.

Recognize your behaviours and things you do that might be wrong, for whatever reason.

Because you will mess up. You just will.

Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good. And remember – _talk_ , have a conversation, with your Mom. Ok?”

“Yeah…”

“Good. Oh, and say hi to Little Danvers for me, k?”

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, sure.”

Maggie’s last remark had thrown Alex for a loop. But she quickly realised who she meant, and she had smiled as she’d responded.

“Great”

Alex could tell Maggie was about to hang up, so quick as she could, she said, “Maggie! So…are we good?”

There was silence for a moment.

“Yeah, we’re good Danvers.

Just remember what I said and try to think some more before you speak, ok?”

“Yeah…

I’m still hoping you can come over sometime soon, yeah?”

“Yeah, me too.

We’ll keep in touch, ok?”

“Yeah.”

And with that Maggie hung up, though it took Alex a second to realise.

“Gosh, a real rollercoaster over there with you,” the youngest Danvers piped up to say.

Alex responded, with a small smile on her face (she always did feel better after talking to Maggie, without fail, even after this conversation), “What?”

“Well I like Maggie, and at first you were scaring me. I thought you had scared _her_ off. Gotten her mad at you or something. That would’ve been no good.

But by the end of it, gosh it sounded like you two had been courting for like 3 years already.

Well, probably no more than usual,” she added pensively.

She looked up from her phone where she had been looking to see Alex blushing a bright red.

“Um, Alex, are you ok?”

“Yes, of course,” she said as she tried her best to regain her composure.

“Ok….” her sister replied unconvincingly.

“Maggie does say hi,” Alex said, before turning back around to her desk to work on…well she wasn’t quite sure yet.

“Oh, nice,” she said quietly, recognising Alex was done with the conversation now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awhile later, Alex got up. She knew the longer she waited and put this off the worse it would nag at her. She was going to talk to her Mom.

She got up, walked out the door of her room, and started walking down the hallway, when – she bumped into her Mom walking directly towards her.

“Alex!”  
“Mom!”

They took a second to collect themselves and then, well, proceeded to just look at each other.

Eliza finally spoke, “Well, I’m not sure where you were going but I was wanting to speak with you, please.”

“Oh. Well, that’s where I was going, too. To find you to talk to.”

“Oh.

That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

They both sighed.

“Let’s head to the study.”

And so, they did exactly that.

…

Eliza and Alex Danvers sat down in their home’s study.

They both braced themselves for what was to come. Both uncomfortable and uncertain as for how to begin.

“Well,” / “Mom,”

They both began at once, suddenly stopping as they heard each other over the other.

Eliza took another stab.

“Alex, I’d like to hear how you’re doing and your perspective on this morning, but first listen for a minute.

This is somewhat hard for me to say, especially as your mother, but…I’m sorry. I get that I messed up this morning when I said that comment about that song you put on.

I guess for me, this time of year is so centered around nostalgia, memories of _my_ Mom and others, that well, I guess sometimes I get a little too caught up in too many of the ways it was back then.

But it is 2020 now, times have changed, and well, I understand that, I understand why…”

Alex started firmly tuning her out around now. She knew she should listen to her Mom, hear her out and such. How could she truly have a conversation with her if she didn’t listen when she was talking to her?

Nevertheless, Alex tuned her out and felt herself getting lost in her thoughts.

She reflected for a while on all the good and happy memories she had with her Mom. Mostly before her new sister had arrived but some from after too.

She reminisced of times her Mom had helped her with school projects, especially biology ones, helping her assemble her poster boards that she would later proudly showcase to the class.

She reminisced of times throughout her life when her Mom had just _been there_ for her. Giving her a shoulder to lean on and cry on, and always giving good advice. She thought especially of early last year when she had gone through a bad break-up with a boy – Peter. She had really liked him. Well, she thought she did. She just hadn’t been, _still wasn’t_ really sure. They had kissed a few times but on the third time they kissed… (The third time _he_ kissed _her_. She had never initiated any of their kisses.) …Well she stopped it. She pulled back and said that she didn’t want to kiss right then. He didn’t…well, he didn’t take that well. He grew frustrated, especially as they started to, well, _try_ to talk it out, he just didn’t understand. Hell, Alex thought she hardly understood, but, well, that was kinda the point. She had wanted time to sort out her feelings for him, and he…well, he had no time he was willing to give. The thing was she had loved spending time with him. They shared lots of interests and just really had gotten along. That day she came home crying and fell into her Mom’s arms. Her Mom listened, the best she could at least, at first, through her crying. Eventually the crying subsided some, and they talked. And that was the thing, Alex remembered. Her Mom was so comforting and caring and attentive. Her Mom also gave her advice that day. “Alex,” she had said, “always listen to yourself. Listen and take in what others say, definitely, but _always_ listen to yourself. That doesn’t mean always act self-centered or selfishly, but always listen to yourself and what you _need_.”

She had loved hearing that from her. She had found it to be helpful, especially helpful in beginning to sort out some of the identity issues she found she had to work on.

She reminisced of times spent on family road trips they had once taken. She reminisced specifically of one taken summer last year to Washington DC. Alex had been sad at first as after the exciting trip to get there, her Dad got called into some online meetings for work, so he was busy and not really there much, certainly not for sightseeing. And so that left Alex and her Mom to sightsee – and that was time Alex would savor, and certainly never forget. They saw the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, all the war memorials, and a dozen museums to name just a few places (her favorite was the Spy Museum, though). Most importantly, though they saw them all together. She loved that time creating all those memories with her Mom.

She reminisced of when her family had taken her sister in. This was a little harder for her to reminisce on, as truly she had had great difficulty with the concept of a new…well, sibling living with her, a sibling from out among the stars no less. But hey, she had grown to like and bond with her sister, yes, _sister_ now. But more importantly, she reminisced of how her Mom hardly flinched at the question of whether to bring her sister in to the home. She was the one who stood firm and strong from the start, that they were going to do this, that it was the right thing to do, and that even if they didn’t know everything about how it would go, _they would do it_.

She reminisced of times spent at the dining room table absorbed in lively family discussions. Discussions generally started or led by, her Mom. They wouldn’t always agree, but they would always discuss and often in a quite lively manner, without a doubt. It was thanks to her Mom that she learned and continued to learn more about the debate surrounding marriage equality and more recently a bit about transgender rights. Her Mom broadened her world view and helped her experience the world more fully, but more to the point the discussions they had would strengthen the relationship the two of them had.

She reminisced on all these and more. Many more memories, memories that made her smile of her time together with her Mom.

She also remembered her conversation with her sister earlier. Her sister, who’s arrival had, well, yeah, as she had even stated had upended their lives. Her sister, who though she didn’t get or understand much about Earth or Midvale to begin with, or really even right now (she was learning though – Alex was proud of her for that!) she had seen, witnessed, and well, now expressed to Alex her admiration of the loving relationship between Alex and Eliza. She had even said that it _impressed_ her.

Her sister had even shared what Alex easily presumed were the deeply personal thoughts about her sister’s connection with her own Mom, her Mom from Krypton. In part, the thought that she valued the relationship she saw between Alex and her Mom all the more out of the sadness that she, yes, _she_ , the Kryptonian _daughter_ of Alura, would never be able to have such a relationship, such a mother-daughter relationship between the two of them. Never.

Alex reflected on all these, as she thought about the events of this morning and her feelings about them from throughout the day, and well, right now, too.

She thought about what she had heard from her Mom before she had started turning inwardly just now.

She thought about how she, Alex Danvers was a fighter of sorts, she persevered!

She just was not going to let this incident tarnish _everything_ she understood about her Mom. She just wasn’t.

Maybe it was the fact that she had reflected and reminisced on all those lovely memories.  
Maybe it was the lovely, bonding, and somewhat illuminating conversation she had had with her sister.

Maybe it was her conversation she had had with Maggie.

Maybe it was the fact that her Mom had apologised.

Maybe it was the fact that Christmastime was here.

Maybe it was a bit of more than one of those.

Nevertheless, something clicked within Alex Danvers then, that day, and she decided to move forward. She was still frustrated about what her Mom had said, but her Mom had apologised, and Alex still planned to talk to her further about it, anyway.

She had had a good relationship with her Mom, and she didn’t _really_ want that to change. Now, she thought to herself, if her Mom continued saying things like she did this morning and didn’t seem to really understand things and whatnot, maybe then things would really change between them. But, importantly, she thought, she would cross that bridge when, no, if, she came to it.

…

“Alex?

Alex?”

Alex looked up at her Mom slowly with a somewhat loopy smile on her face. As she slowly came back out of her reverie, the smile lost most of its loopiness.

She realised her Mom was looking at her with a slight frown on her face.

“Alex, are you ok? Have you been listening to anything I’ve just been saying?”

“Um…yeah…well, ok, mostly,” Alex responded, gulping slightly.

Eliza sighed.

“Alex, I thought…

I thought you said you wanted to talk to me, too. Let’s try that…”

It was Alex’s turn to sigh.

“Yeah…

Listen, Mom, I’m sorry about today, heck (she knew to watch her language around her Mom), I’m sorry about just now. I should have, I guess been fully present as you were talking to me. But at the same time for a little while – I swear, just a little while – I was out of it stuck in my thoughts, just now. And in doing that I guess I just was able to have things come together, and able to see things more clearly now.

I just…I really value having _you_ as my Mom, and I want to still feel good about that. I was rather frustrated this morning when you commented about Christmas in Hollis…but I hear you that you recognise the problem with what you said. And I think I do kind of understand what you said, in a way, too. I know that Christmas is a _very_ nostalgic time for you, so I can, well, _kinda_ , get sorta forgetting where or at least _when_ you are.

But!” she continued with a growing smile, “You’re not completely off the hook! I’m watching you, at least when it comes to stuff like this.

I’m _definitely_ , not an expert when it comes to issues of race, but I know of a few stereotypes, slurs, and the like when I hear them, and I’m not gonna be afraid to call you out on using them.” (I hope so, at least, she thought to herself)

She finished her speech with a resolute, tight smile on her face.

Eliza looked at her, eyes wide, a generally somewhat shocked expression on her face.

After a moment, she collected herself and shot out, “Well, ok little miss – don’t get too cocky there…”

She trailed off though as she really thought about what Alex had said and reflected on the day some more. She found herself feeling a mixture of uneasiness and happiness at the same time.

It had been a weird day, she thought. But she was excited for what was to come. She knew she shouldn’t even let herself off the hook entirely, that she should do some reading and learning, too.

But she knew one thing for sure, it sounded like Alex had made the decision not give up on her, to move on forward, together, and Eliza decided, she would do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading this story and journeying along with me and my telling of transgirl!kara :) 
> 
> I hope you're enjoying it, and if you are please comment and/or kudos! 
> 
> Thanks!!!


	9. Chapter 9: Christmastime Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter:
> 
> \- Kara and Eliza talk!
> 
> \- Alex gets a little bit of happy news!
> 
> \- The family has dinner and well, it ends happily!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, another chapter! Woohoo!
> 
> So, I hope folks enjoy this... As I look back over what I've recently posted, and at what's to come (I've already got 1.5 full chapters more already written out) I feel like this is kind of...a lull in the excitement. But it should still be fun!
> 
> Anyway...
> 
> If you enjoy this and this chapter, feel free to comment!
> 
> Oh, and though one might think I would have already done this, I finally worked on my timeline a little bit, especially as I'm dealing with at least a firm date (Christmas - Dec. 25th) so I wanted the other plot points to properly fit around each other. As you'll see with this chapter, its labelled "Saturday, December 21st." (And technically we've been on that day since Ch. 6) I intend to continue with the days worked into the chapters as I go, as well.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21st

The conversation continued for a short while after that, between mother and daughter, Eliza and Alex. Together trying to reconnect after what had been a rough day for the two of them.

Eventually they got up and decided to move on to other things.

As Alex got ready to leave the study, Eliza stopped her saying, “Alex? Would you mind telling your brother to find me I’d like to speak with him, too.”

Alex nodded and left to go upstairs to tell her sister.

Eliza noticed, though didn’t understand, as Alex did so, the grimace she briefly sported.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex marched upstairs, a whirl of emotions inside. She was glad she had talked with her Mom, really. It had gone pretty well, she thought. Especially, considering she had been way more brazen than she usually was…especially with her Mom.

But then…but then she had to go and ruin it by misgendering her sister! Her footsteps grew louder upon the stairs at that thought.

And well, she apparently wanted to talk to her, too, but, Alex thought, she was kind of scared for her sister. She saw earlier just how scared she was when she was talking about her feelings in regard to coming out to Eliza. And hell, that scared her.

She didn’t _like_ worrying about her younger sister, but hell somebody had to, and plus she was her older sister, so – it was in the job description, wasn’t it?

She finally opened the door and crossed the threshold to their room.

The youngest Danvers was in the same position as when Alex had left. She was sitting on her bed, eyes glued to her phone.

As Alex fully came in, though, she shifted, looking up at her sister.

“Hey! How’d that go?” the Kryptonian asked.

“It went pretty great, actually. We’ll see if it stays that way, but…yeah…”

“That’s great, Alex! See! And think positively – if things change, then you can change with them, at that time, right?”

“Hell, you’re too smart for your own good, you know that sis?” Alex said with a smile.

Her sister smiled widely right back at her.

“But that reminds me,” Alex continued before stopping and sighing a long sigh. “Mom wants to talk to you, too,” she finishes with the grimace from earlier on again.

The Kryptonian grew worried at that – and her face showed it.

“Oh. Did she say what about?”

“No,” Alex responded. “Though I think she recognises she upset you earlier, too.”

After a moment she adds, “She’s smarter than you think, you know…well, a little bit.”

Seeing her sister still in such a state of distress, she adds further, “I once heard a wise someone tell me to think positively – wise words, don’t you think?”

She receives a quick, light laugh.

“Yeah, right back at me, eh?”

“Yeah, but seriously, go get ‘em. And just remember what I was saying earlier, no matter what happens, what she says – you’ve got me.

Ok?”

The youngest Danvers got up from the bed, hugged her sister, gave a small, “Yeah,” in response, and left the room.

Whatever happens next, she thought, at least she had Alex. And, she thought, as she began a quick prayer, she had her home, even if only…in memory…

“O Rao

As trouble might find us

We shrink not from your light

Through you we gain strength

Through you we rise…”

And as she found herself standing near the door of the study, she completed the familiar words of the prayer:

“For Rao sees all”

As she made another step forward, she was able to be seen by Eliza inside, who beckoned her in.

As she stepped inside the study, so uncertain and apprehensive, she tried to sport a happy or at least contented smile. Aside from worry, she was just so _uncertain_ of what to expect from this conversation. She wasn’t sure what Eliza was going to say, and really, she wasn’t sure what _she_ was going to say, as well.

She was still pretty steadfast that she wasn’t ready to come out to Eliza…not yet…

But nevertheless…

It sounded like Eliza had clued in to her discomfort from earlier, but she was quite skeptical as to whether Eliza had really clued in to, or anywhere near to the real cause of said discomfort.

“Hey Kyle,” Eliza began.

The Kryptonian began to struggle already to keep the forced smile on her face at that.

“I just…” Eliza continued, “I just, wanted to check-in, I guess.

I know you and Alex have gotten closer again, I’ve seen that, and I’m really happy for you both… I guess as I say, I just wanted to check-in… I know things were pretty tense around here throughout this morning, between Alex and I, really… And I just wanted to see how you are doing, how you are feeling with everything…”

She stopped for a moment. The Kryptonian in front of her started trying to collect her thoughts. Her mouth even opened, ready to begin to speak, but was quickly interrupted as Eliza continued instead.

“I…I guess, I did also feel that there was a time this morning where you seemed to droop and maybe did not feel as great either, and so I just wanted to see what that was about and if I can do anything to help…and to see if I did anything wrong, too…”

Eliza quietly whispered the last part, but of course with her super-hearing the Kryptonian facing her could hear it all clearly.

Though Eliza, as Alex had clearly recalled, had been strong and very intent on taking in the Kryptonian child who faced her now, some months ago - now, she was frequently in a state of uncertainty in regard to how best to raise the alien child she now called her own…

From that moment this morning, she knew something was off in the Kryptonian, but she was far from certain why that was, and that worried her.

In many aspects of her life, including her work, she prided herself on being certain of what she knew and working from there. Working from the facts.

Had she done something? Heck, she thought, maybe the Kryptonian had heard something from a home over that had worried or frightened or just put ‘em off. She just wasn’t sure, and that uncertainty didn’t sit well with her.

The Kryptonian tried to consider her words carefully in response. Eventually she settled on a tact of reassurance and feigning ignorance. It would be hard to be as convincing as she thought she ought to be, but she would definitely give it a shot – for Alex, and well, for herself.

“Eliza, no, don’t worry! You’re fine!”

She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts, again, and letting out a small sigh.

She looked up at Eliza, looking right at her, as she continued.

“I mean it…I’m just so appreciative of, well, everything you, and Alex, and…Jeremiah have done, or well, did…

I guess this morning, I just got a little disoriented, again. It’s this, like, new time of year with Christmastime, you and Alex had that tense argument, things were just so tense this morning, and I don’t know I guess I am just still to an extent just getting used to things in this new city, new planet and such.

Does that make sense?”

Eliza sat and sat there, looking at the Kryptonian in front of her, trying to discern what to say.

She wasn’t sure what, but something was off. She could just tell.

But…but she still just wasn’t sure what it was.

“Yeah…”

She decided to go with it for now.

“Yes,” she continued, “Yes, that makes sense.

I mean, I’m sure it must be quite disorienting to go through what you have…but we’re here for you, ok?” She tried not to show her own confusion and uncertainty at the Kryptonian’s response. She tried to still sound as reassuring as she could.

“Yeah,” the Kryptonian responded.

“Good, I’m glad we’re on the same page, then.”

After a beat between the two of them, Eliza spoke again, “So, are you excited so far for Christmas?”

The Kryptonian let herself go then, a little, feeling herself loosen up. She gave Eliza an eager nod.

“Yeah, I think I am. I’m just excited in a way to experience it all through all y’all.

Though I am still excited about my friend Mike maybe coming over.

If that’s still alright?”

“Certainly,” Eliza responded, with a wide smile on her face. She wasn’t sure what the full story was with the Kryptonian behind this morning but, what she knew for sure, was that she wanted to make sure they were as comfortable in this new home…in this new life as they could be.

“Thanks!” the Kryptonian responded.

“Ok, well, thanks for humoring me with this chat, Kyle. I’m going to get working on planning some dinner for us for later. Ok?

Oh!” she added quickly before leaving, “Tell Alex we’re watching our first Christmas movie of the season tonight, and it’s her pick!”

Eliza had gotten up as she said all that and so didn’t notice the large grimace that had appeared on the Kryptonian’s face.

“Yeah, n-no problem, thanks, Eliza,” she stammered out in response.

She got up after that herself and headed back upstairs to find Alex.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

The youngest Danvers approached her and Alex’s room, and again like earlier, she could hear vibrant Christmas music emanating from it…

_“I gave you my heart_

_Merry Christmas_

_Once bitten and twice shy_

_I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye…”_

She stood there, right before the doorway for a second just enjoying the sounds of Alex’s Christmas music.

After a moment or two, she did enter the room and smiled up at Alex who was sitting up on her own bed with a bit of a smile on her face.

“Fun song! What is it?”

“‘Last Christmas,’ it’s called. It’s specifically the Carly Rae Jepsen version,” Alex said with a growing smile in response to the small smile that her sister came in with.

The two sisters sat there on each other’s beds there, for a second or two just wallowing in the happiness they were feeling towards each other right then.

Finally, Alex broke the silence, “So, talk to me! How did it go – and how did it go, _really_?”

Her sister sighed and gave a light laugh at Alex’s interrogation technique.

“I mean well, it went well. It was just tough. She said things I didn’t care for, you know like using my deadname and such, but I still kind of feel like she cares. I mean, I still stand by what I was saying, really, like I don’t think I want to come out to her, not yet anyway. As I say, she seems so nice and caring, and…loving…but I just, I don’t know…I’m scared…I just don’t know how she’d react to knowing who I am…like fully and really.”  
  
She sighed.

“But yeah, it went well. She seemed scared and worried a little, too, actually. She actually did say that she was worried that she’d done something wrong to me…”

Alex interrupted, “She really did say that?”

“Well, yeah, though she whispered it. I guess she did so really pretty quietly, but you know – super hearing!” she said with a smile.

“Wow. Ok, go on!” Alex urged.

“Well, yeah, so I just tried to play dumb really in a way and just be supportive. I tried to reassure her, and just tried to play off the uncomfortableness and frustration I had felt this morning.”

She paused for a second, thinking some more over her conversation she’d had with Eliza.

“Actually, she may kind of be onto me… I mean I don’t think she knows what she’s onto me about, but I think she thinks something is up for sure with me,” she said with a small frown.

“Hey, don’t worry ok? You just said it yourself, you don’t think she knows anything really, she just has an inkling that ‘ _something’_ is up.

And remember – you’ve always got me by your side – ok?”

Her sister breathed in and out a few times before answering.

“Yeah… You’re right.”

“Of course, I’m right!” Alex returned, half-jokingly, half-full of pride.

“Oh! I almost forgot, kinda like she did, actually –” the Kryptonian laughed.

“She added that tonight we’re gonna watch our first Christmas movie of the season - and you get to pick!!”

Alex smiled brightly at that, “Yes!” she cried out triumphantly.

She then turned to her Kryptonian sister – “You know what that means?”

The youngest Danvers looked back at her, confusion etched over her face – “Umm…you get to choose the Christmas movie we watch tonight?”

“Well, yeah, but it means I get to introduce you the greatness of, well, my favourite Christmas movie of all-time – Die Hard!!”

To her sister, this only partially helped lift her state of confusion. She had already in her time here learned a bit about the Christmas season, and even Christmas media and such, but – a Christmas movie…called Die Hard? That just struck her as, well, a little odd.

But! She also heard as Alex said it was her favourite Christmas movie of all-time, and so she guessed well, it had to be pretty great really.

They continued chatting some for a little while after that, Alex still very much in a state of excitement and anticipation for the night’s activities, though her sister tried to at least be somewhat excited for her, even if she struggled to match the high energy level Alex was at.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later, the girls heard Eliza’s voice come up from the foot of the stairs.

“Kids, it’s supper time!!”

The girls got up from where they were each sitting in their room and got ready to head downstairs, finishing up what they had been doing.

In fact, they both were putting down their phones as they had both been busy texting just then. Well, Alex was more so busy than her sister. Alex was busy with a fun, and thoroughly engaging conversation with her friend Maggie.

The Kryptonian across from her on the other hand, was a little less busy and a little less happy with things. She had, a while ago now, sent a text to Mike asking how things were, how his holidays were going, and such. He had sent back, no less than ten minutes later, a short reply. In response, she talked about how she really had liked spending time with him through school, and that she was wondering if he would like to come over to hers at some point, maybe soon, or at least sometime over the holidays?

And in response she had received – nothing. No response at all, not even the three dots, she had learned meant that the other person was typing…nothing.

It had been well over, well at least half an hour now. Frankly she had sorta lost track of time.

She had been mostly just sitting with her text messages open, occasionally and quickly daring to open something else before going back to that screen.

But now - now she had to go downstairs for supper. And so, she left her phone on her bed, and followed Alex down to meet Eliza for their meal together. All the while in hopeful anticipation that when she would return, she would find a new, unread message waiting for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Downstairs, as they ate their dinner, the mood was completely different than that of hours before.

Conversation flowed much more freely, and smiles could often be seen on their faces in between bites of food.

If anyone was the least unhappy though, it was the Kryptonian of the three of them.

She was a little on edge around Eliza, just unsure how to be around her, if she would slip up, if Eliza would slip up - upsetting her, or…anything…

On top of that she was kind of frustrated about Mike at the moment.

She had thought that they had been getting along quite well and were pretty good friends before school was out…but, his texts and lack thereof didn’t seem to show that.

Mind you they had seen each other mostly through school and hadn’t really texted much before winter break, but…but, still!

It was just…frustrating! What did it mean? How should she read his behaviour? Part of what she enjoyed about spending time with him, was that she felt she could be freer and more herself with him. Well, sort of. She hadn’t come out to him and really didn’t intend to, but they both knew each other were aliens – and aliens that came from close-by planets, no less! That made her feel good and helped her value greatly their friendship.

Which was to say, she was just, well, definitely confused and uncertain as to…what to do… _Should_ she do anything?

She guessed she would just _wait_ , she glumly thought to herself, as she slumped down further in her seat at the table.

And so, she sat there glumly, still eating but far from her usual amount she would eat. She would still smile and try to participate in conversation a little, but the other two could definitely tell something was up.

Eliza, clueless as she was, prepared to ask her youngest about Mike.

“Kyle -”

Alex, though, smart as _she_ was, could guess what was coming and, well, could hear what was already out of Eliza’s mouth. She had seen her sister texting upstairs, and now looking so glum. She didn’t know for certain, but she had a feeling that this was due to Mike…

“Mom!” she began quickly and abruptly.

Having startled Eliza with her outburst, and thus gained her attention, Alex continued:

“So, I think I’ve told you before about my friend Maggie…?”

She received a small head nod from Eliza, who was though, still a little caught off-guard and uncertain as to what was going on.

“Well…I was just wondering if she could come over…? Maybe…sometime soon?”

Eliza looked and looked at her eldest, trying to decipher what was going on.

She knew something was going on.

But she had not a clue as to what exactly.

Finally, she decided, “to heck, with it,” and read the situation at face-value, at least for now.

Alex was asking if her friend Maggie could come over.

She would say yes.

It would be fine.

Some time, though, she told herself, she _would_ get to the bottom of what was going on with both her kids. Somehow, some time, but not right now.

She stopped looking so intently at Alex (which was good, as truthfully Alex was starting to get a little creeped out and worried about her Mom), sighed, and proceed to speak:  
“Certainly, sweetie.

How about two days from now on Monday?”

She thought for a moment longer before remembering something.

“And I will actually need to go in to the office for a bit that day…but I’m sure you kids can handle yourselves?”

“Of course, Mom!” Alex quickly replied, with a smile on her face at her Mom’s positive response.

Even the youngest Danvers was brought out of her gloom for a moment, at the thought of spending time with not only Alex but Maggie, too…and yes, without Eliza.

“Yeah! You can count on us, Eliza!” she proclaimed, with a wide smile on her face.

Dinner continued pretty peacefully for the three of them, following that happy excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for those journeying with me along this story! I hope you're enjoying it.  
> Comment if you care to, with any thoughts about this!
> 
> Just as a bit of a "warning" of sorts before we go on, next week, to Ch. 10 and onwards...
> 
> We're going to be heading into more...I don't even know the right words..."explicit"? territory coming up. 
> 
> Not "explicit" because of sex, or especially not sex scenes, (All these characters are too young for that, really.) but because of more "explicit" or overt discussion of body parts (including "private parts"), feelings related to that, and even learning about sex a little (again these characters won't be engaging in sexual activity though), and feelings regarding that.  
> So, that's a very general, as I say, "warning" of sorts.  
> In some ways, I feel like it shouldn't be terribly necessary, but I understand that some may find it helpful, and especially since we live in a society that pushes aside discussions of such things to the extreme (I feel so, at least)
> 
> Anyway... I'll also put a "proper" warning at the top of the next chapter, more formally, I guess...
> 
> Bear with me folks...I've got so much more story to tell.


	10. Chapter 10: Christmastime Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter!
> 
> \- The Danvers sisters begin to get frustrated at Mon-El/Mike Matthews!
> 
> \- The Danvers family watch "Die Hard"!
> 
> \- Kara has a bad day!
> 
> \- and Kara learns (more) about the internet!
> 
> \- Kara and Alex begin an uncomfortable conversation!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! 
> 
> So, here we go - Chapter 10 hard for me at least to believe, in a way.
> 
> With this chapter though, some things need to be said, I guess...
> 
> \- For one, I did change this story's rating to M. I didn't really want to in a way, but, I don't know probably because of the way I was raised in society, but with some of the directions I'm taking this story, I'm going to "play it safe," and change the rating.
> 
> \- For another, I do just want to make clear a few things with a bit of a warning of sorts: ⚠️  
> Beginning with this chapter we are entering some new territory and diving in even more into some stuff I've been wanting to engage in with this story.
> 
> If you are uncomfortable with any of the recently added elements as I will discuss them, well, sorry. Hopefully you've enjoyed the story as of yet.
> 
> But going forward I will be engaging in frank discussions of body parts, including "private parts" and feelings surrounding those.  
> There will also be discussion of porn. Hopefully a somewhat critical discussion of sorts, discussing its role and the effects that it can have on someone, including specifically trans people.  
> There will also be discussion surrounding slurs, especially the t-slur. It will be used in the story, but I will never use that word (or any slur, as far as I'm concerned), without bleeping it (like with asterisks).
> 
> As I say that though I do want to make it clear that even with some of the above, these characters, due to how young they are will not be engaging in sexual activity in this story. As they get older, this might change, but for now that is the case.
> 
> \- I do want this story to be somewhat positive and not to be too doom and gloom, but I am purposefully trying to be very real at the same time and not shying away from sharing in experiences that I know and understand to be real and a part of the trans experience for example.
> 
> So, hopefully folks are enjoying this and will continue enjoying this, but - that needed to be said.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21st

The two sisters, with smiles on their faces went back up to their room after the dinner’s conclusion.

The youngest of the two, managing to smile, managing to feel hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of returning to her room to find a new, unread message from Mike.

They turned the corner, went down the hallway, entered the doorway…and as soon as Alex was in, she leapt to her sister’s bed, and tossed her phone to her.

“So, what’d he say?” Alex said with just a touch of excitement and hope of her own, for her younger sister.

She of course, was assuming a lot.

She was assuming that her sister had been texting Mike earlier. And that that was why she had initially been glum at dinner.

She was assuming that her sister was still thinking of that and would know what she was talking about right then.

And of course, she was assuming (well, hoping, even she would concede), that Mike had texted her sister back.

She was…completely mostly right.

Emphasis on _mostly_.

She had read her sister right, about texting Mike earlier of course…what she was wrong about…the one thing Alex was wrong about, was that he had texted her sister back.

As her sister laughed and caught the phone Alex had tossed her way, she lifted the device to “wake” it…and saw – nothing.

Nothing.

No text from Mike, no notifications from anything or anyone in fact, in the over an hour she had spent downstairs over dinner.

The Kryptonian sighed heavily and flopped down on her bed.

Alex looked over at her, a worried expression on her face.

“Nothing?” she asked quietly, “He said nothing?”

Her sister just quietly, almost imperceptibly, nodded.

“Well, fuck him, right?!” Alex still quietly, but quite angrily proclaimed.

Her sister looked over at her with a horrified expression.

“Alex, no!

Am I frustrated? Fine, yes…

But I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. He’s probably just…busy…right…?”

That last part, which had _ended up_ as a question, had started out strong and at least somewhat confident, but by the end of it, she was trailing off, and well, it _became_ a question…

Alex turned and looked at her from her own bed, and tried, in the most firm way she could muster to say, “Yes.”

“The holidays are often a busy time for folks…” Alex trailed off as she tried to defend him but found it difficult to do so.

Her statement already was said in a staccato manner, with her concern and worry peppering each word.

“Ok,” she sighed, “how about this – I show you some more awesome Christmas music before Mom calls us down for movie night?” she said while plastering a new smile on her face.

And soon the sounds of “What Christmas Means to Me,” “Underneath the Tree,” and “Marshmallow World” could be heard.

There was also definitely some “Step into Christmas,” and even “Santa Tell Me,” being able to be heard reverberating through the girls’ room.

That evening, after a bit of debate begun by Eliza (just a bit) over the place of “Die Hard” in the Christmas movie canon, they had all snuggled together with blankets to watch – the Christmas classic – “Die Hard.”

It wound up being an interesting evening.

Eliza, having put up with watching the movie, especially with any regularity, since her late husband had shown it to her eldest, abided by the usual routine.

Alex just ate it up, loving every line and action scene, the music, and just, well, everything.

The young Kryptonian sitting next to her though, was a bit of a different story.

She was sitting there, beside Alex, quite torn.

Alex had hyped the movie up quite a bit. To hear her tell it, it was the best Christmas movie ever, or, if you caught her in a brief moment of weakness, she would concede that it was _her_ favourite Christmas movie, in any case.

So, hey, Alex loved it – _that_ the Kryptonian understood.

But…she, herself, struggled with it. She struggled with the loud action sounds and the seemingly odd juxtaposition of Christmas with the rough action around it. She also even struggled with the machismo that the hero was steeped in. It just…was off-putting to her.

She recognised said machismo in the boys at school…in how _she_ well, was supposed to, or was thought to need to act…

But she also recognised that as not who she was. Not a part of her.

And well, it was just difficult to see and watch as that was such a key part of the movie, and really, was so celebrated.

Of course, again, that was on top of the bother of the explosions and fires and bangs from the movie, all far too reminiscent of vivid, frightful, unwanted memories…memories such as the destruction of her home planet as she left in a small pod.

By the time the movie was over - it was late.

Eliza sent the two kids to bed, wishing them good night.

Alex was still in such a state of frenzied excitement, a high of sorts from the movie, that she didn’t even notice the state that her sister was in.

By the movie’s end something had shifted within the young Kryptonian.

She had grown more and more _done_ and just _frustrated_.

If she had thought _about_ her feelings, she may have come to the conclusion that she was just having a rough day and watching “Die Hard,” hadn’t exactly been the best way to end it.

But her mind was going nowhere near that train of thought, right then.

In fact, _her_ train of thought was heading right off the tracks right about…now.

The sisters walked into their bedroom, Alex still with quite some pep in her step.

They both immediately went to their beds at first.

Pretty quickly though, the younger of the two turned to the older and said somberly, “Do you mind if I get ready for bed first?”

“No problem – go ahead,” Alex returned as a response with a smile still on her face.

When the Kryptonian returned, Alex was changed and just needed the bathroom.

As soon as Alex left the room, the remaining Danvers sister sat huddled on the edge of her bed, almost sitting on her pillow, with her knees pulled up near her head.

Especially thanks to the movie, but really after all the stress that piled up throughout the day, she was feeling rather run-down, and was having thought after thought after thought racing through her head.

As soon as Alex returned however, as soon as she began fully opening the door that had been left ajar, the Kryptonian, in the blink of an eye, was then sitting on the bed calmly (or as calmly as she could appear), phone in hand, with her eyes beginning to appear as though they were looking at the screen as well.

Alex was a little suspicious, especially as she heard the gust of air signalling the super-speed used by her sister, but…she didn’t know really what was up, and as she had been doing that night, especially fueled by her own excitement and adrenaline from the movie, she chose to simply ignore it.

Really that night, they were each in their own little worlds.

Alex’s full of excitement and happiness – even some nostalgia over Christmases past.

The Kryptonian’s though, was one full of stress and worry. Unknowns and variables and questions with no answers. And feeling like she was being reminded everywhere she looked, that for whatever reason or for whatever _reasons_ , she did not belong.

“Well, Mom probably wants us to actually get some sleep. I’m gonna’ get in bed and look at my phone, for now at least, I think,” Alex informed. She was feeling a bit extra chatty, especially with her “high” from the movie and such.

Her sister, on the other hand, was busy fighting a battle of trying to laser a hole through her phone without actually using her powers – in other words, she was just very, very, very, intently staring at her phone. Her phone, which had, meanwhile, happened to have gone to sleep some time ago.

Her sister, without looking up or at Alex, simply muttered, “Sure.”

Alex did think that was a little odd, but it _was_ late, and for herself, at least, well, she _was_ starting to feel a little tired. She would stick with her plan, and well hopefully her sister wasn’t feeling _too_ bad.

The Kryptonian sat there, on her bed for a while.

She felt dead to the world, just so numb inside, right then.

She managed to pull herself out of her staring match with her phone and hazarded a look towards Alex.

Seeing Alex looking asleep, she quietly got up and went to her laptop.

She would sit there, quietly, for at least an hour, entering search term after search term, reading pages and pages of articles and blog posts and more…

_“why do I feel different?”_

_“am I trans?”_

_“why am I trans?”_

_“why do I have a penis?”_

_“but WHY do I have a penis?”_

_“am I a girl?”_

_“can girls have penises?”_

To name just a few…

Some she had looked up before and would then look through more pages of results, but many of the searches were new for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was around 1:30 am when it happened.

The youngest Danvers was still at it, trying to learn and just read more information about what she was feeling and experiencing, all while still trying to fight sleep.

She _must_ have been tired, she would think in retrospect, because she didn’t think that she really would have clicked on it on purpose, really.

In the moment though, she was losing herself to sleep fast.

Her browser was open to a page – a specific personal blog – that already was a little suspicious.

On it were some advertisements.

Though that, in and of itself was not necessarily, and not particularly wrong, bad, or sketchy. Ads were common on the internet - she had basically learned that at this point.

However, again she was tired. She really should have gone to bed a while ago really, or well, before what was about to happen, happened…

She sat there, in front of the computer screen, her eyes glazed over and half-closed. Her arm was half-asleep as well, having been in the same position for the better part of an hour at this point.

Then she, haphazardly, clicked on an ad.

She didn’t even recognise where, or on what, or on what ad, she was clicking on.

But nevertheless, click it she did.

Immediately, it opened in a new tab, with the ad in question now taking up the full size of the web browser tab.

Additionally, the computer began to make sounds – slowly “uttering” a message in a voice that though definitely older than the Kryptonian’s, had a similar timbre:

_“Hey handsome…_

_Click on one of us to experience a night out of your dreams!”_

The Kryptonian, at the first syllable made by the computer, began to fully awake and subsequently – freak out.

“Oh Rao…” they squeaked out.

And then, to make matters worse, the computer began repeating the message from the ad.

Again.

Again.

And again.

It was during the second time the computer “announced” its message that the Kryptonian began uttering any and all Kryptonian curse words she knew.

By the third time, Alex was almost awake. She had, during the second time started groaning and shifting about on her bed.

By the time the message was done for the third time, Alex was up and basically fully awake.

The Kryptonian was so focused on her fear and worrying over _what happened_ and _what to do_ about it, that she didn’t notice Alex standing behind her, near the computer, looking intently at the screen, well as intently as she could while still wiping eye gunk away due to her interrupted sleep.

It probably didn’t come out as caring as Alex intended, but she knew she had to say something, “What d’you do?”

The Kryptonian turned around abruptly and practically fell out of the chair she was in, in doing so.

“Aaargh!”

Alex sighed, trying not to laugh at her sister.

She then sighed again, as the message could be heard again.

The Kryptonian herself sighed for the same reason.

But then the frantic energy she had been feeling inside, emerged.

“I don’t know Alex!! I think, I guess, I clicked something…and now the computer’s like, talking? And I just don’t know what to do! It’s never done this before!!”

Alex sighed and reached down, grabbed the computer’s mouse from her sister and finally, simply, closed the tab that ad was on.

Alex looked at her sister’s eyes and saw them watery and with tears waiting to be shed.

Alex felt for her and, well, she knew they needed to talk.

“C’mon close that. Let’s talk,” Alex said to her sister as she let out a yawn.

Her sister’s voice was so small in response.

“Are you sure? I interrupted your sleep…shouldn’t you go back to bed…?”

Alex _was_ tired frankly, but she knew they needed to talk, and though she was tired, she didn’t really want to push it off ‘til the morning – for both their sakes.

“Yes.” She tried to say it as firmly as she could.

“I think, really, we _both_ need to get some sleep,” she said smiling, “but, I do think we need to talk. And I think well, we would _both_ prefer that _I_ have this conversation with you as opposed to Mom. Right?”

The Kryptonian grimaced. “Yeah.”

“Ok, so get comfy. I’ll be right back.”

Alex returned with two bottles of water – one for each of them. She found her sister in the space on the ground between their beds with a blanket wrapped around her.

Alex joined her, handing her a bottle of water and grabbing a blanket for herself as well.

She sat there, facing her Kryptonian sister and sighed.

The younger of the two decided in that moment to be brave…

“So…what did you want to talk about?”  
A small smile appeared on her face as she said that. They both knew at least to some extent, or could assume, what Alex wanted to talk about.

But at the same time, the young alien did want to hear – from Alex herself – what Alex wanted to talk to her about.

Alex smiled back, reached over, and ruffled her sister’s hair.

“Very funny, kid.”

“Listen,” Alex continued, “I don’t want to, like, _be_ Mom too much, but I mean fuck it, anything we’re about to talk about, or at least that I bring up – trust me – you don’t _want_ to be having a conversation about with Mom.”

The Kryptonian looked up at Alex and nodded in understanding. She wasn’t fully aware of what they would talk about or _everything_ they would talk about, but she knew, especially right now, she didn’t want to talk to Eliza about any of it.

At the same time, though she did trust Alex, she was a little apprehensive about what this conversation would entail. Heck, she thought, she didn’t really want to be having it even with Alex, but… _if_ she did _have_ to have it…Alex would be…ok, she supposed.

“So…I guess I want to talk to you a bit about computer safety,” Alex put up air quotes around “computer safety,” herself definitely feeling awkward having this conversation, as well.

“I also want to talk to you a bit,” she grimaced as she said the next part, “about the content of the ad, and like what it said.”

She paused before adding, “I do also want to hear what you thought about what happened, ok?”

The younger of the two began to grimace as well, as Alex had finished speaking then.

“Yeah…ok…”

The young alien wanted to acknowledge what Alex was saying, while not really being sure what to exactly to say… She heard Alex but that didn’t mean that left her enthused for the conversation.

Alex sighed.

“Ok, so I mean, just generally you should be careful on the computer, especially on the internet. You need to be careful especially when looking at some things, clicking on some things, and in some areas of the internet especially. Some things can lead to pop-ups or like, ads of things that you weren’t trying to look at, and/or even sexual stuff. That type of stuff can also lead to viruses and bad stuff like that on the computer – also not good.

The virus stuff especially can be bad because then you might need to involve Mom so she can get it fixed for you, and explaining why there’s virus on the computer, well, might not be so fun.”

She paused for a second.

“I mean, it’s hard to say fully in a way, how to be careful on the computer, especially as you’re new here even to the whole planet, but like you just gotta ask yourself if it’s a site that is like, popular or…reputable,” she paused, using air quotes around “reputable,” as earlier, that’s a word my teachers talk about a lot but it makes sense in a way – or if I guess, if you feel like you can trust it.

It’s hard, and it’s a bit of learned skill, but…”

Alex trailed off then, feeling uncertain on how to explain it to her sister.

She finally looked over to really see how her sister was doing, how she was doing in absorbing the information.

The Kryptonian was doing…ok…at least with what Alex was saying. It did seem kinda...uncertain…and a little…scary. But what she was saying somewhat made sense.

Alex looked at her and wasn’t sure what she was seeing. “Does that make sense?”  
The Kryptonian didn’t really want to admit that she wasn’t sure, especially because it seemed Alex didn’t know or wasn’t sure how to explain it.

“Yeah…I mean, mostly. It’s just hard to say…I mean…” and then the Kryptonian let it spill out some…

“I mean…” she sighed, “I just…today was a really rough day. Especially with…” she gulped as she prepared to say the next part, “…ending the day with…your movie. It just was…hard to watch for me. Both because of…gender stuff…and because…” she sighed again, “it reminded me of losing home again, with all the action and explosions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to any and everyone still with me with this.
> 
> I welcome any comments :)
> 
> (The full ad text will be mentioned in the next chapter)
> 
> Oh, and I've just started a new story if anyone here is interested feel free to check it out! It's called "Religion in the Luthor-Danvers Family."
> 
> https://bit.ly/luthordanversreligion


	11. Chapter 11: Christmastime Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter!
> 
> -Kara and Alex continue awkwardly and nervously chatting!
> 
> -We get a look at Nia’s life, in general!
> 
> -Texting occurs!   
> (I don't have the summary mojo today lol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look - I’m posting earlier in the day than I usually do for this story! Yay!
> 
> Hi folks! Welcome back to this journey of trans girl Kara! Last time we did end on a bit of a cliffhanger, as I ended the chapter in the middle of Kara and Alex’s conversation. So, we will pick right back up with the rest of that (including a description of the ad). 
> 
> After that though, I tried something different, and we actually shift and hear from Nia and her point of view. I wanted to try that - sharing the spotlight with someone other than my main character - especially as she’s my one other trans character in the story (at least right now - who knows about down the road!)
> 
> In regard to that, though! It is in that section that it actually is made clear that Midvale, in my story, is actually in Kansas.   
> Weird you might think - isn’t Midvale in California? Well, not in this story. (National City is - though it isn’t really in this story)  
> There are a couple of reasons for this -  
> One is just a weird, idiosyncratic reason that is best told through a story that I might share some other time.  
> But perhaps more importantly, I just wanted them, especially Kara, to be able to get some good snow. At least one good snowfall.   
> So, Kansas it was.  
> (Who knows, with this being the case it may be easier to have a “crossover” with Clark/Kal in Smallville!) 
> 
> Anyway, I do hope you enjoy. As I said last chapter (in case it isn’t evident already), we are entering more “mature” territory. There will be frank, and *real* discussions of *feelings* surrounding one’s body and body parts, and also discussions of porn, especially feelings surrounding it and in a way, its effects. 
> 
> There is also going to be discussions and some examples of transphobia in both this chapter and just going forward. As a trans person myself, I am trying to be somewhat delicate when using those, but nevertheless, I want to include some of these things.
> 
> At the same time, I just want to say I’m going to be trying not to make this story completely super-heavy all the time now.   
> We do have a really fun time that should be coming up in a chapter soon with Maggie over at the house that I’m super excited about. Also Kara will choose her name! (yes, finally) And of course Christmas will be here before you know it!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21st

_“I mean…” Kara sighed, “I just…today was a really rough day. Especially with…” she gulped as she prepared to say the next part, “…ending the day with…your movie. It just was…hard to watch for me. Both because of…gender stuff…and because…” she sighed again, “it reminded me of losing home again, with all the action and explosions.”_

She felt willing to share more but had to take a breather for a moment. Even just sharing what she just had – especially to Alex – had her a little scared and worried.

She took a few deep breaths.

She hazarded a look up to Alex and saw she had tears in her eyes, and the sister who had started this discussion at least mostly if not wholly confidently, well that façade was gone.

Though, thinking of the tears in Alex’s eyes – that makes two of us – she thought.

She took a few more deep breaths, while still looking up at Alex.

Alex nodded encouragingly at her, urging her forward, hoping to hear more from her sister – the events, from her point of view.

“And so, I don’t know, that on top of everything else I’ve been holding in today…

I came up here, I don’t know, not feeling great…

I waited for you to be asleep, and then went to the computer and did more searches, trying to find more information and answers as to, well…me. _What_ I am, _why_ I am that way, and stuff…

I was though getting pretty tired, I guess.

I was basically asleep when…I guess I clicked on that ad…”

She sighed quickly, before adding, “It just freaked me out so much. I didn’t know computers, especially Earth ones, could just talk like that, and I just didn’t feel right about the pictures and what the words said on the page, and I don’t know…”

She laughed quietly then.

At her sister’s quizzical look, she responded, “I’m just thinking further about how much I really am glad that I’m not having this conversation with Eliza.”

At that Alex let out a small laugh, too.

“Yeah.”

Alex sighed.

“Listen. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share what you just did. I know we’ve shared between each other some, but…I’m sure that took a lot.

I’m sorry about the movie. I should have thought of some of that. I mean, if nothing else – this is _your_ first Christmas, we should be making _you_ feel welcome!”

“Alex…I mean, it’s fine. You-you didn’t know…

I should have said something…”

They both stayed quiet for a minute – letting the silence just linger between them.

“But yeah, that kind of brings me to something I at least wanted to bring up a little,” Alex piped back up.

“Yeah…?” the younger Danvers sister responded.

“Well, yeah…I think I said at the start of this, actually…the content of the ad, I mean.

You know like you were saying, like the pictures and words – not just what it said.”

Alex said what she said, though not without a bit of difficulty. She began to fidget more during the conversation from then on, as well.

The Kryptonian facing her did the same, though mostly with her hands.

This was going to be hardest and most uncomfortable part of this conversation – and they both knew it.

The content of the ad in question was, as follows:

In the centre, a large block of text reading:

_“It’s Christmastime_

_And the tr*****s near YOU_

_Want to be YOUR Gift_

_This Christmas!”_

This block of text was surrounded on all sides by images of people, people who appeared to be presenting as women and who had penises.

They all were definitely, it could be asserted, being sexualized. Whether one might make such an assertion based on posture, the mere fact that they were included in the ad, or for a different reason altogether.

That was the ad that had opened up on the young Kryptonian’s computer.

The ad that had “spoken” to her.

The ad that had freaked her out.

The ad that she really, was starting to feel, she wished she just hadn’t seen.

The ad that she now found herself discussing with her older sister.

“So…” Alex tentatively begins.

“Do you remember, like, what were you last looking at or searching for, like on purpose?”

Her sister facing her, tried to think.

“Well, I think my last search…” she paused trying to remember.

She stopped suddenly though as soon as she did remember, a look of embarrassment all over her face now.

Alex saw her face and felt sorry for her. She didn’t want her to feel embarrassed or for this to hurt her as it appeared it was.

“Hey, look, this is uncomfortable for the both of us, ok?

You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, but I just want to know to understand how you even got to that ad, and then, well, to try to explain that a bit to you…”

“I think the search that got me there was _‘can girls have penises?’_ ” the Kryptonian practically muttered, trying to be super quiet.

Thankfully, partly thankfully just so she didn’t have to repeat herself, Alex was able to understand her.

“Oh.

Ok.” Alex responded at first.

Alex, whatever she was expecting for her sister to say, well, for whatever reason, it hadn’t been that.

They sat there in stunned silence for a moment. Well, Alex in stunned silence. Her sister more in fearful silence.

Finally, Alex found her words again.

“Ok, so well…”

Alex sighed quickly.

“I’m sorry that a question like that was bothering you so much…

But it does kinda make sense that, especially if you weren’t really paying attention and were half-asleep, you got an ad like that.”

The Kryptonian’s curiosity was then piqued at Alex’s statement.

“What do you mean? It makes sense?  
  
Like, I saw the women in the ad who all had…” she switched to a whisper, “…penises…

  
I guess, I just don’t know exactly what it means? Like being trans didn’t seem like something the world here thinks of as a good thing…?

I’m confused.”

Alex sighed.

“Do you know anything about porn?”

“Not really.” The Kryptonian frowned. She wondered if they were switching subjects.

“Ok, well, you know a bit about sex, right? Like even Mom and Dad have tried to talk to us about it, right?” she said grimacing as she did.

“Yeah…” The Kryptonian wasn’t sure really how to respond to that, in a way. The answer was “yes,” really, but she wasn’t sure how to say it.

She recognised that Alex certainly was like, grossed out by sex talk, especially when given by either of her parents, but for herself, she was, well, conflicted.

Partly, she was very intrigued. She had always loved to learn, and being new to the planet, human’s reproductive systems were well, among other things, interesting to her.

At the same time though, she was apprehensive. Particularly in how these things came into play regarding her. And, well, those around her, too.

She had already found trouble with her emotions or reactions giving way to reactions _down there_. She had found that that, well _those_ parts of her, _down there_ …she had a strong, well, _distaste_ for at least. Along with the rest of her body, but those parts especially.

Anyway…in a way, she wasn’t sure how to respond simply due to the mix of emotions surrounding such a question.

Did she know about sex? Yeah. Did she like knowing about sex/was she enthused about it? Yes _and_ no.

Nevertheless, she responded with her, “yeah…” and almost none of those thoughts were conveyed to Alex.

And so, Alex continued.

“Ok…so porn is like, um… media, with the word porn generally video, though really in a way, it can be even written stuff and such…but it involves…like…”

Alex was growing more and more uncomfortable as she tried to get out her definition of porn.

“…like sex?” the Kryptonian of the two of them quietly supplied.

“Yeah…” Alex quietly affirmed.

“Though, and this is kinda important – I think – that it is fiction or like made up situations that are shown in porn.”

“Oh. Okay.” The younger of the two responded.

Alex sighed again, which was quickly followed up by a long yawn.

“You know –” Alex smiled as she continued, “– as much as I love having late-night, uncomfortable conversations with you I think especially on some of this stuff –”

Kara eagerly, with her voice full of curiosity, cut her off, asking “Like about that word the ad used, tr–”

But before she could even finish trying to pronounce the unfamiliar word, the slur, Alex stopped her abruptly -

“K!”

The Kryptonian stopped talking while Alex sighed again.

She was doing a lot of that tonight.

“Listen, _yes_ , that word, too. It’s just it’s kind of like, a _bad word_.

I think.

I really haven’t heard it that much, but I’m pretty sure it’s…it’s a slur, and well, I especially don’t think you should say it, say a word like that if you don’t even know it or what it means.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Listen,” Alex sighed, “I think you should, well, I think you should talk to someone, someone else…” As Alex noticed her sister’s expression, she exclaimed, “I mean we can still talk lots! But, I just think if you talk to someone who knows more about in part at least, trans issues, maybe who is trans, maybe someone named Nia even,” she continued with a smile now, “I just think you might, I don’t know relate more and she’d even likely be more knowledgeable than me, too.

I know, hard to believe the last part, right?” she finished, beaming at her sister, now.

The Kryptonian tried to smile, too.

Yeah, she thought, she should contact someone, and yeah that someone could, or should, probably be Nia.

Nia was kind to her.

Nia tried to help her.

Nia tried to focus on her being trans, which she hadn’t appreciated, but…but it was cool that they both shared that, and really, isn’t that what she was doing on the computer, for example, “focusing on her being trans” - exactly what she had gotten frustrated at Nia for?

She tried to firm her resolve and decided by the next day’s end she would at least send Nia a text.

Shortly after, that evening wrapped up – finally – for the Danvers sisters.

Finally, after saying good nights to each other, they _both_ went to bed.

They also both had plenty of dreams, after such an eventful late evening.

The Kryptonian’s were full of journeys and overcoming obstacles, with a few appearances of the reoccurring gender euphoric dream in the field.

Overall, dreams full of hope and optimism for the days ahead.

Alex’s were eventful as well, but those are secrets to be revealed at a later time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE AFTERNOON OF SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22nd

THE NAL RESIDENCE

Nia sat on the toilet at her home – a home she had grown to pretty quickly _both_ love and hate.

If she was being honest with herself, it wasn’t really the home that she had, well, any trouble with.

She liked her home, in a way, really.

It was what it represented ( _family_ ) and the other people who lived there, really, that she had a problem with.

She lived there with her parents, Paul and Isabel…and her sister, Maeve.

Maeve… She was the one she had the most trouble with – though not to sound too childish, but she started it, Nia thought.

Her parents, well they were, a different matter entirely.

They just didn’t know. They just were ignorant. And most frustratingly, she thought, they didn’t seem to care to learn.

In any case…

She sat there on the toilet, mostly just uncomfortably sitting there, enjoying the quiet – having finished any actual “business” there a while ago – when she heard commotion downstairs as the door opened and the rest of her…family…came back from their shopping. They had been busy Christmas shopping around town.

Nia had opted against going with them, deciding as well, that she would rely on online shopping for Christmas this year.

Their arrival though kinda brought her out of her reverie of sorts.

Now, she had to put the walls back up, and as always, to put them back up high.

She could already hear Maeve coming up the stairs.

Great, she thought, as she heard her stop in front of the bathroom door…

“O-h br-o-the-r!!” Maeve called out to Nia in a sing-song voice.

Nia supposed it could be worse, but yeah, she nevertheless happened to not care for being misgendered, let alone by her own sister…and then the singsong on top of it.

She sighed, and called out through the door to Maeve, “What do you _want_ Maeve?”

“Damn, _bro_ , no need for that… You know, you really do sound like _such a boy_ when you’re mad…” she trailed off letting the teasing and taunting just hang there.

She sighed again as she heard Maeve leave. She could have sworn it even sounded like Maeve was _skipping_ down the hall to her room.

That had been though one of the few minor victories she had managed with her parents, she thought. Shortly after announcing to her family her intent to socially transition – a few years ago now – she had managed, though it had been hard and involved lots of painful discussions – to convince her parents to let her and Maeve have separate rooms.

Thank goodness for that she thought thinking over it again, feeling just so relieved that in painful and frustrating moments like right now (although such moments were far more frequent than she would like these days), she didn’t have to go back to the same room as Maeve.

She finished up in the bathroom, throwing a quick scowl towards her reflection in the mirror before turning off the light and leaving the room.

She thought about going downstairs to talk to her parents…but then thought better of it. She didn’t want the stress of talking to them now.

In any case, she would have that later during family dinner.

So, she kept going down the hallway instead and made her way to her own room.

She closed the door, while keeping it partly ajar, as per rules from her parents.

Even that frustrated her though as she thought about it.

She wasn’t certain if her parents even knew, or more importantly and more likely if they even cared, for she hadn’t talked to her parents about this herself. What she did know for certain though was that she frequently found Maeve’s door fully closed – it wasn’t that hard a thing to catch after all.

But of course, Nia had never heard them bring up the issue to Maeve. She had however, been on the receiving end of reminders from them, whenever she would have friends over.

Those times, having friends over, were few and far between, but nevertheless times that Nia savoured.

For Nia that was one of several reasons that she loved school.

School was where she saw her friends, really.

School was also where she, actually, felt more free.

At home (as she had been doing, sadly, since winter break had started) she hardly ever wore anything from the selection of girl’s clothes that she had managed to procure and accumulate.

But at school, maybe partly because she had found some friends, and even a couple supportive teachers, she felt more confident and able to express herself and even (carefully) defend herself as needed.

(She had no want to get into fights though, especially with parents like hers – parents seemingly wholly ambivalent to her and her situation.)

Plus, she liked school, just generally. She liked to learn and liked English best.

She even had aspirations, though most of the time they felt so far-off and laughable, to become a journalist.

But yeah, she did have some friends. In fact, as she got in her room, she got out her phone and checked it for any messages.

**_MESSAGES_ **

_(1) UNREAD MESSAGE_

_NERDY WINN: Hey Nia…_

She smiled as she started to pull up the new message from Winn.

Her smile grew as she read the full message –

_“Hey Nia!_

_Just wanted to see how your holidays are doing?_

_I know how much school means to you and idk I’m sorry your family doesn’t care that much”_

She sat there on her bed smiling at his message. He was pretty dorky at times, be he was still kinda cool – they did share many common interests – and, most importantly perhaps, he was caring. As far as she could tell he really did care about her and well, she couldn’t even say how many times he had been willing to just be a listening ear, especially over a lunch at school.

Just as she was about to type back a response, she saw him typing another message. She waited for the message to come in.

_Winn: “Also have you talked to K yet?”_

Nia sighed.

That was, really, if she was being honest with herself, another thing she liked about Winn and being friends with him, is how he pushed – just in little, small ways – for her to do things, well, things she wanted to do but would be scared to do, well, without a little push perhaps.

No, she hadn’t talked to K yet.

(She had told Winn just a little bit about her…friend, K. Mostly just that she just had a feeling (not saying that it had been verified already), but that due to that, she thought it would be better to refer to…them…she had said to Winn, as “K.”

Winn probably suspected there was more to it than that, but… Well, she hadn’t said anything specifically, and really, _she_ trusted Winn herself.)

But yeah, she thought, she should try to contact her – the K in question.

Winn had actually gotten her, on the last day of school before break, to agree to contact K over break. He had tried to urge her to agree to contacting her within the first week of break, but eventually they settled on just “sometime over break.”

So yeah, in a way it really wasn’t like she’d broken her word to him or anything, but…

She sighed again.

She did appreciate him checking in on her, including specifically about that.

Frankly, she wasn’t sure what she’d done wrong with her friend, K.

She was certain she’d done _something_ to upset her…but she just couldn’t think of what it was.

Mind you, she thought, it’s not like she had tons of experience with trans folks in school, or heck even Midvale in general.

As far as she was aware, she was the only trans person in town.

Well, her and K, she thought.

So yeah, she didn’t have tons of experience in interacting with trans folks, even as she herself was trans. She basically just had experience with cis folks with whom she mostly tried to either hide from or work hard to pass.

She sighed again.

Maybe, maybe, it was something like that. Maybe K was scared off from her. She had been talking pretty much only about being trans with K…

But she didn’t know. Not really. Not with any certainty.

And that led her right back, really, to where she started with needing to reach out to K in the first place.

She sighed again.

Ok, that’s it – she thought – enough sighing.

She would text K later, but for now…she needed a distraction…

She hooked up her phone to her bluetooth speaker (one of her most expensive and prized possessions), made sure it wasn’t going to be too loud, and put on a favourite playlist of hers…

“Broadway Pride” she called it. It brought together a major love of hers – Broadway and just musical theatre – and the fact that she was part of the LGBTQ+ community.

She of course was trans, and… _maybe_ bi…

(It would always go like this in her mind – even when she was just thinking to herself. She certainly recognised that she was trans, and then like a whisper, it was always like a whisper – even when it was just a thought – she would admit, well, it was barely even that, (yet) but say that she was bi too.

It had started last year with her ex-best friend Max, who she had, well, wanted to be more than friends with.

But that’s a story for another time.)

In any case she was definitely a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and she had even begun feeling comfortable enough, even just in her head, to call herself queer.

Whether that was just because of her gender or because of her gender _and_ sexuality…well that was a matter for another day.

She lay there on her bed, sprawled out (feeling free enough to sprawl in the privacy of her room), while listening to the aforementioned playlist, even singing along from time to time.

She lay there with her playlist on shuffle – just having a good time, feeling free from the world.

She listened to “Don’t Breathe,” from the musical, The Prom, parodying the familiar opening lines from Emma:

As Emma sung –

_Note to self_

_Don’t be gay in Indiana_

_Big heads up_

_That’s a really stupid plan_

Nia sang –

_Note to self_

_Don’t be trans in Midvale, Kansas_

She could have continued the verse and more, singing along or parodying it as the case may be, but she was too busy laughing at her own little joke of sorts.

(She did have to speed up the second line a little for it to fit, but hey…let her do what she wants.)

Yeah, she thought, a stupid, sorry, little joke. Kinda like me, she thought. She proceeded to then give out a short, awkward laugh.

She didn’t really feel that way, well, not always at least, but being trans, especially in a place like Midvale, it made it hard not to.

She spent awhile like that in her room.

Mostly just listening to music she loved.

She did text a little back and forth with Winn – that was nice.

And mostly just trying not to be too lost in her thoughts.

Later, shortly before the Nal girls would be called down for supper, Nia's phone buzzed as a text came in.

She picked up her phone expecting that it was likely a text from Winn.

What she found though was instead a text, or _texts_ from, as she had the contact listed in her phone – K.

**_MESSAGES_ **

_(5) UNREAD MESSAGES_

_K: Umm…hey Nia, so…_

She smiled at that.

They had texted some, but not extensively, and so seeing the “umms” in K’s texting when she was, Nia guessed, nervous brought a smile to Nia’s face. She found it cute and endearing.

She opened her messages app to find the texts.

Frankly she was a little miffed at how K had sent 5 texts and she only had gotten one notification buzz from her phone. The 5 of them must have come in all at once, she thought. It still seemed a little odd, especially as she’d practically just checked her phone.

(She was forgetting about the Kryptonian’s super-speed right then. No matter though, Nia had plenty of her own to worry and think about.)

_“Umm…hey Nia, so, how are you doing?”_

_“I guess I’ll go ahead and say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pushing you away as a friend at school and not talking to you. I really am. I’ll explain more on why, but I really wish I hadn’t done that._

_And I say, I guess, just because I really when it comes to trying to talk to you again, I just feel like I don’t know where to start. So, ‘I guess,’ just because I guess that’s as good a place as any to start the conversation._

_I guess._

_Lol”_

_“Also, I’ll try to let you respond, but I want to ask you something.”_

_“Oh Rao, I’m just going to go ahead and say it._

_I know I messed up, but can we talk, like as a phone call?  
If that’s ok, of course._

_I just, some stuff has happened and…I’d like your help, if that’s ok.”_

_“Again, only if you’re ok with that. I’m sure you’re probably busy, what with the holidays and all.”_

Nia gave a quick, awkward laugh at that last part – her, busy with the holidays? She couldn’t help but laugh at that. Sure, she would be obliged to begrudgingly spend time with her family, but she did so, _begrudgingly_. She certainly didn’t want to be busy now. Frankly, she wanted to be in school – to see her friends.

After reading the texts and giving her quick gut reaction/laugh to the last one, she and Maeve were being called down for dinner.

Nia, quick as she could, shot back “Just got all your texts. Getting called 4 dinner now tho. Talk later K?”

She did make a point of capitalising the “k” at the end of her text, in trying to make it clear, even in as small a way as that, that she cared.

Nia sighed and tried to psych herself up for, as she put it in her head right then – “family dinner – whooo…”

(The “whoo,” in case it wasn’t obvious, was dripping with sarcasm, even if just in her head.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who is still sticking with me and reading this, especially as we’re beginning to dive in deeper to certain territory.   
> I hope folks are still enjoying this and as always, feel free to comment or leave a kudos!! 
> 
> Also, I have totally had the headcanon of Nia being a Broadway fan for awhile now and am so excited that I could include it here. :) 
> 
> At the same time, I also love the idea of Nia being bi (like me! Trans and bi) so I included that here. Of course, it’s not canon in the show, but theoretically it could be!
> 
> Also also, if you're confused (like Kara) at Alex's response when they're talking about the content of the ad, don't worry - I will explain what she meant in due time. (Partly through Nia and the way Nia will explain it later.)


	12. Chapter 12: Christmastime Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter!
> 
> \- We get a little more Kara at home, and a little more Nia at home!
> 
> \- Really though the chapter is mostly their long phone conversation!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!! (And hey, it is Tuesday - perfect!)
> 
> Sorry folks for the delay in posting. (It was only a week, I think, but still) My computer died on me, and I *soooo* much prefer working on this on my computer versus my phone.
> 
> Thankfully Apple fixed my computer very quickly and now I’m back in business!!
> 
> This chapter was pretty hard for me to write for a few reasons and so took awhile anyway, but hey, here it is!
> 
> In the end I quite like this chapter. I’m not gonna say “it’s my best,” or whatever - I don’t think it is, but I do quite like it.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22nd

THE DANVERS RESIDENCE

The young Kryptonian had milled about the house stuck in her thoughts over the course of that day.

Thoughts fired away in her head – mostly it was a back-and-forth surrounding contacting Nia. She had convinced herself she should, especially in theory, like it made sense. But, _when_ and _how_ and with _what_ words – well, there was where she was stuck.

She kept trying different ideas and combinations, but none of them seemed right.

Or right _enough_.

The day would pass slowly for her.

Eliza and Alex watched her, both thinking that it looked as though she was stuck in a daze.

Alex was playing Christmas music whether it be in their room or even in other parts of the house, she would just have her phone playing the music and was carrying it wherever she went.

Her sister tried to listen and enjoy it, trying to continue her informal education of Christmas and Christmas music, but she was so very distracted.

Though she wasn’t really having trouble being tired, she did stay away from the computer as well, as she was so worried of encountering a repeat of the night before.

It had even snowed during the day.

Alex had been filled with excitement at that – the first _real_ snow of the season, as she put it. She tried to get her sister excited about it, too, but to no avail, really.

Her sister was so lost in her thoughts.

Alex had even pulled her to the window – “Look,” she’d said, “it’s snow! You’ve never seen it before, right?” The Kryptonian had shook her head, “no,” but was obviously still quite preoccupied.

Alex pretty much left it at that but hoped sometime soon that her sister would have her old enthusiasm back, including now for snow.

The Kryptonian would also sometimes sit there on her phone.

She would begin doing something on it, then get lost in thought, her phone would go to sleep, and she would be none the wiser sitting there staring straight ahead at it, while her thoughts fired away in her head.

Finally, after they had had a somewhat uncomfortable early dinner (Eliza kept trying to get her youngest to talk, while of course, deadnaming her), Alex called her sister out on it.

“Ok, sis,” she began in a whisper, as they were in the living room. “What’s going on? You’ve been in a daze all day it seems, and you keep staring at your phone – even after it goes to sleep.

And have you texted Nia, yet?”

The younger of the two sighed.

“No,” she said, “I haven’t. But that’s just it – I don’t know how or what to do. Like what do I say? How do I say it? Will she even want to talk to me?

It’s like I just have a million thoughts flying through my head.”

Alex sighed, “Really, I don’t know. I know that’s not super comforting maybe, but it’s true.

What I do think is that you should just try. Try to reach out, say it however you feel you can. Maybe start over text and ask if you can call her or something, too, ok?”

The Kryptonian thought about that for a minute.

She sighed heavily.

But then, she got out her phone and got to typing. Out of nervousness, she resorted to super-speed and got what ended up being five messages out to Nia in a flash.

She sighed again.

She looked up to Alex to find her smiling at her.

“There! I’m glad you got that out to her!”  
(She wanted to say “Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” but she _knew_ it had been hard for her younger sister, and so she bit her tongue.)

And so now, they realised simultaneously – we wait.

Pretty quickly though the girl from Krypton received a brief reply from Nia –

_“Just got all your texts. Getting called 4 dinner now tho. Talk later K?”_

After reading the text, she smiled a little. She let Alex read her phone, too.

But of course, she knew this meant _more waiting_.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE NAL RESIDENCE  
AFTER DINNER

Nia sighed again as she waited for Maeve to finally leave the dinner table.

After a couple more snide remarks thrown Nia’s way, Maeve left.

She knew, as it always was, not too long after dinner Maeve and her Mom would be going off to the art room to talk and for her Mom to teach Maeve more about the dream powers everyone believed Maeve was obviously in line to inherit.

Nia, for her part tried not to think about that much. She knew they were probably right – the universe in all its _wisdom_ (she sarcastically thought), probably didn’t recognise her as a girl, even though it was true, and just was the way it was.

But nevertheless, no one else in the house, believed her – not fully anyway. And so, she was never included in the dream classes and the training and such.

As she said, she tried not to think about it much.

If she thought about it well, it would lead her down a bit of a rabbit hole and her self-esteem would go down – that she knew, she knew from experience.

And as she sat there, briefly in thought, she saw her Mom getting up and so snapped out of it, stood up and quickly spoke: “Hey Mom, Dad – just wanted to let you know I’m going to go outside for a bit. Going to go call a friend…ok?”

Her parents a little shocked at the outburst, snapped out of it though, enough for her Mom to say “Certainly, sweetie,” as she left the table.

Her father nodded at her as he made his leave as well, going to his study to work on some things.

Nia sighed.

Ok, she thought, here we go.

Due to the snow from earlier that day, she made a point of really layering up with her heavy winter coat and hat and mittens and more.

She tried to psych herself up for talking to K.

She _was_ kind of excited at the prospect of talking to her, her only reluctance just due to how drained she felt after family meals.

She left the house, bringing a folding chair that had thankfully not gotten snow on it, over a little bit away from the house.

She was pretty certain that this was going to be a conversation she wouldn’t want anyone to listen in on (especially Maeve).

(She felt that way generally speaking, whenever she called and talked to her friends, but she did have this certain feeling about this conversation, that this would _really_ be the case.)

After having setup her little spot away from the house, she sighed, took another deep breath, and got out her phone.

It rang a few times before connecting.

“Hi!” squeaked out the Kryptonian as she picked it up.

“Hi,” Nia said much more calmly. She thought for a moment and then continued apologetic in tone, “Hey, sorry about calling without checking. I know you wanted to talk but I just called without checking. I mean dinner just finished for me, so I thought I’d call, but I also made a point of going outside so no one would hear me/us, and well maybe you haven’t been able to do that…

Oh goodness…”

She sighed.

The Kryptonian on the line laughed a little nervously.

“No worries, I mean, I _do_ want to talk to you so… But yeah, that does sound like a good idea – the whole going outside thing.”

“Ok,” Nia jumped in, “how about you call me back, ok? You go outside and get set up of sorts, and call me back when you’re ready, ok?”

“Ok.”

The call disconnected and Nia began to wait. As she did, she hummed a few bars of “Just Breathe,” from the Prom, reminiscing over earlier.

It wasn’t too, too long before the call came in. Nia picked it up as fast as she could.

“Hey,” Nia said. Still calmly, but now with more nervous excitement for the conversation ahead.

“Hey,” the other girl said. “I hope Eliza doesn’t get suspicious, I’m just kind of randomly sitting in the middle of the backyard…I don’t know I think she’s already suspicious anyway…”

“My folks just either chalk it up to me being crazy or just ignore me entirely when I do stuff like this.” Nia laughed. “But…well, Eliza’s your Mom, right?”

“Adoptive Mom, yeah.”

“Oh yeah, ok… Well, it may look a little weird, but hopefully she doesn’t think too much of it…”

As she trailed off, a silence fell over the two of them.

Eventually Nia tried to pick the conversation back up.

“So, I guess I just wanted to say don’t worry about it. I know you said ‘I’m sorry’ in your messages, and, well, thanks.

I know school is not the same for everyone, though it is hard for me to remember that sometimes. I _love_ school and feel so much freer when there.”

She paused for a second.

“So, yeah, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry if I worried you or made you uncomfortable at school in any way.”

The Kryptonian sighed. “Thanks for saying that, though. School, well, Earth school certainly, is so new to me, and it has been hard trying to adjust and on top of that trying figure out who I even am!

I mean, you definitely shouldn’t worry about having made me feel uncomfortable…

I felt uncomfortable because I felt like all you talked about around me, was my or our transness. Which I didn’t like especially at school, but really, as I think about it now, is kind of…ironic.”

“Oh?” Nia said.

“Yeah,” though the Kryptonian got a little quieter, “I mean in a roundabout way that’s why I’m wanting to talk…”

“Yeah?” Nia said, just a touch too eagerly.

“Yeah…” The Kryptonian paused briefly considering her words.

“Yeah, I mean I’ve been having so many questions, and really in a way, wanting to talk about my transness, or especially learn more, but well, it’s led me down…a rabbit hole? I think that’s the phrase, a rabbit hole regarding that and well, well Alex actually suggested that I try to talk to you.”

Nia paused for a moment, growing a little self-conscious and uncomfortable.

She wanted to know more about what her friend was saying, but at the same time, _so far,_ it sounded like K was just wanting her advice not wanting to really just be _friends_ again.

She wanted to be _friends_ with K, to just talk and chill and help each other out with each other’s schoolwork not for her to just be some…what? Mentor? What was this, she wondered.

She sighed, trying to do so quietly, as she didn’t really, at least not yet, want to alert K to her concerns.

(Thankfully the Kryptonian’s powers weren’t as attuned to Nia through the phone line as opposed to when in person.)

“Well,” she continued to K, “thank Alex for reminding you to text me, I guess…” failing to keep at least some of the frustration and ambivalence at what was unfolding out of her voice.

“Yeah. Will do.”

A silence fell over them again.

Then the girl from Krypton, with a burst of confidence, asked what may not have been logically her first question to ask, but seemed in her mind to be the most pressing.

She had seen the word in the ad and was curious about it immediately, but Alex’s reaction had added to that curiosity.

“Do you know the word, ‘tr****?”

Nia heard her as she began to say the word, and as she was about to try to cut her off so she didn’t _finish_ saying the word, K remembered again what Alex had said about it, and stopped after the sound of the third letter came out of her mouth.

“Well, Alex said, I maybe shouldn’t actually say that word… But do you know the word I mean? I could spell it?”

“No!” Nia responded, calmly but firmly.

“Oh, ok.

So, you do know it?”

“Yeah,” Nia sighed.

She did know that word, really…that slur. She knew it better than she would’ve liked.

She remembered the day Maeve first used it against her. (For, she thought that’s how it’s basically always used – _against_ someone.) She still didn’t know for sure where or how Maeve picked it up, but she remembered coming home from what had been a rough day at school, marching up to her room that at that point she still shared with her sister, and finding the lovely sight of a homemade sign on the door, courtesy of Maeve she presumed.

_“No T******s Allowed!”_

This had been not too long into her social transition, and well, it was not a welcome sight.

Of course, things weren’t perfect _now_ , but most importantly Nia had convinced her parents to give her, her own room. She had also noticed that Maeve generally resorted to other, less overt methods of being transphobic and making her life hell these days. So, _small mercies_ , she sarcastically thought.

Maeve wasn’t the only person who had used the word against her, but, she thought, probably the most personal.

“Nia?”

Nia snapped out of her reflections as K’s voice pulled her back to the present.

“Are you ok? You said you knew it, but then it was like I lost you? I’m never sure with these things…” she trailed off, the last part referring to the phone she held.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, it just brought back memories, I guess.

Here, how about you explain what brought you to that word – like what made you aware of it? And from there I can explain some about that word, maybe?”

“Umm…ok,” the Kryptonian nervously responded.

And so, she then told Nia her tale –

“Well, after Alex went to bed last night – well it had been a rough day yesterday in general, especially with gender feelings – but anyway last night after Alex went to bed, I went to the computer and started using Google to look stuff up about me and like about being trans…

But it was late, and I’d been doing it for a while, and anyway –”

She sighed as she came to the next part.

“And well, as I say, I was pretty tired…”

Nia, though quite smart, was a little uncertain still as to where this was going – “So what happened?”

“Well, unknowingly, like while half-asleep, I clicked on an ad that took over the screen for a moment…”

She sighed again.

“Well, the ad was like, I guess, sex-u-al,” she slowed as she pronounced the unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable word, “it talked to me about how I should click to ‘have a good time’ thanks to one of the people on the screen, and it used that word I mentioned….”

As Nia sat there for a minute, taking in her friend’s words, the Kryptonian continued.

“And it called me ‘handsome’!? That’s for guys! Why would this _ad_ think I’m a guy? I’m not a guy and why would this _ad_ on the _computer_ think it knows about that???”

She grew more frustrated sounding as she went on with this complaint. This complaint being the one that seemed most straight-forward and clearly _wrong_. She wasn’t a guy, and what was a computer doing effectively calling her one.

Nia tried to stifle her laughter at _that_ complaint. She didn’t know everything there was to know about computers and ads and data mining, but she knew that it wasn’t the end of the world that an ad used a term like that for the user. Her friend hadn’t even intentionally clicked on it, after all.

The Kryptonian continued speaking though, “So yeah, I don’t know… I mean, I’m learning so much about Earth and how things work here, but trying to still connect it to Krypton and who _I_ am…” She grew quieter as she finished, “And meanwhile I’m dealing with uncomfortableness with my body parts, that which _Rao gave me_ , and having all these other feelings of…like _desire_? I don’t know…”

She sighed.

“I mean, I hear other kids at school giddily talking about, well, _sex_ , and even just having boyfriends and girlfriends and I’m just so _scared_ …”  
  


After she trailed off, Nia waited a second to see if her friend had more to say. Hearing nothing further, Nia worked to prepare her response.

Her friend had said a lot, and it was, well, a lot to process.

Nia sighed.

“Hey, don’t worry, K. I mean, I get it, it _is_ scary. Especially as you’re just figuring this stuff out and all…”

Nia sat down and they began to really get into it. Nia deciding that, what the heck, she would go ahead and try to help her confused friend, and hopefully, really being friends would still come, just later.

“So, I guess to answer some of your _easy_ questions first –”

She let out a light laugh at herself.

The Kryptonian hadn’t really asked any easy questions.

“So, _that word_ , you know starting with a t, is a slur against trans people. It’s a word to refer to trans people, while specifically using it against us, like trying to be mean. Even if people don’t seem that mean when using it, or try to defend using it, they are still using it that way. At least that’s the way I think it is.

And really, I don’t really know why it used the word ‘handsome.’ I mean, I don’t know enough about computers to say. I don’t think it matters too much though – I think – it was just an ad.”

Nia paused for a second, collecting her thoughts again.

“I mean those are kind of the basic answers to the basic, kinda straightforward questions you’d asked.

Sorta.

But, well, it sounds like you have a lot of questions and feelings and stuff, and you know, if you want, we could just talk about that some? You know, from one trans friend to another?” She said her proposal as earnestly and hopefully as she could.

“Yeah,” the Kryptonian nervously responded. She did still have a lot of questions she wanted to discuss, even if she couldn’t find firm, objective answers. And really, if she thought about it, she probably did want what Nia wanted, too – to just have a friend, and especially a friend like Nia who understood somewhat what she was going through.

“Umm…do you want…to start?” Nia asked, her voice full of nervousness too. She would be ok with beginning to share a bit about her life too, but she wanted her friend to start. She felt that her friend hadn’t spoken about her _feelings_ so much within this conversation, and Nia just didn’t want to be the one to start it off.

Of course, she supposed, K probably felt the same.

“Uh…yeah…” the Kryptonian began.

“Well, I really don’t know everything about how these things work on Earth, but on Krypton, well, I think I can say things were very different.”

“Oh?” Nia returned.

“Yeah… Well, for one thing, as far as I know sex wasn’t really done…at all. I mean everyone was born in these birthing chambers, all very science-y. So, it certainly wasn’t needed to make kids.

And then, most marriages were arranged between families. I mean, even in our language we used different words for what in English, I think, is just love.”

“That’s interesting.”

“Yeah, in Kryptonian, there’s _ukiem_ , which is like love between family members, but not romantic, so like on Earth you would use it for maybe between siblings or something. But on Krypton generally you would use it for more than just that. Like partners, like husband and wife would use it too.

Then there was _zhao_. _Zhao_ is like romatic love. It can be even more than just romantic, but in any case…

Like, _ukiem_ is like almost out of a sense of family duty, but _zhao_ is well, _love love_ , I guess.

But _zhao_ was rare. I said you would use _ukiem_ for husband and wife, but that was unless you found someone who you, like… _had_ _zhao_ with, it’s just that that was rare.

Does that kind of make sense?”

“Yeah, sort of…” Nia said somewhat uncertainly.

“So, yeah. I mean I’d felt uncomfortable with my body before coming to Earth. I felt like, disconnected with the body I have and the parts I have and stuff.

All my friends on Krypton were girls… In fact –” she said the next part with a burst of confidence – “I was envious of them. Their bodies, their clothes or tunics they would get to wear, and the colours they would get to wear, as well.

But yeah, I came to Earth, and everything’s different. Everything – everything seems to be about _sex_. Like, using the body parts you are given, to engage in activities, sex-u-al activities that…I guess are supposed to be fun?”

I don’t know…”

She shook her head, though she knew Nia obviously couldn’t see the action.

Nia waited, expecting, hoping for more. The Kryptonian had given her some interesting background and context, she thought, but she was curious, especially with her having now been on Earth for a bit, what was she _feeling_ , what did she _think_?

About her body and her place in the world and whatnot?

The Kryptonian sighed but then picked her train of thought back up.

“Like now it’s just so much more confusing and just, I don’t know, stressful.

Like, I guess I’m supposed to like or at least be interested in sex…I mean even if I do want to have sex, like later, I mean I know already I definitely don’t want to do it with these parts or the body I have now. I find that frustrating and also frustrating how I feel like my body doesn’t match who I am, even if I’m not looking at…my private parts.

But meanwhile, as I try to learn more about who I am, like, as a trans person, then I get an ad that even _I_ can tell looks sex-u-al – I mean why would they have their private parts out like that!

Is that what it means to be transgender, or at least here, is that you’re sexual just because?”

She paused – “Because I don’t know much about Earth and stuff, but that doesn’t seem _right_ to me!”

“I mean, even when Alex tries to talk to me about the ad, which thank Rao she did as opposed to Eliza, but she tries to bring up porn and stuff and I’m like _why_?? Again, is that what we are to, like, I don’t know, everyone else here? Just there for sex, or something?

It just makes no sense, and _I_ don’t get it.”

Nia heard her. Nia heard her loud and clear.

Though she was born on Earth, she was an alien, and so she did have an interesting, mixed background experience. But at the same time, yeah, she was arguably more human, or Earthling than Naltorian.

And “yup!” Nia certainly understood, far more than she wished about the over-sexualising of trans people.

Yup. Nia knew about that. She knew more than she wanted to about that, well, in many ways, too.

Of course, she knew, and she would probably try to explain to her friend a little about the fetishized nature of trans people, including specifically in porn – that would probably help her with the confusion she still had about the ad, at least a bit.

She also knew, for she tried to keep up with the news, including specifically when it came to trans issues, about different times when folks would in the _delightful discourse_ surrounding trans people like her, talk whether overtly or implicitly about trans people and their private parts, engage in comparisons of trans people to sexual predators, and so on. Different ways of not only trying to demonise and act like people like her, well, weren’t real people but to overly-sexualise them. And, Nia thought, whether they were talking about kids like her or adults, talk like that was harmful to every trans person.

Of course, then there was Nia’s most personal and direct experience with the subject at hand.

She had seen a psychologist.

_Had seen._

That was a few years ago.

She wasn’t seeing any psychologists right now.

She had told her parents she didn’t want to see him anymore and they accepted that but didn’t bother working to find her a new one. She didn’t really care – she didn’t really want to go through the bother of re-introducing herself and re-acquainting herself with a new one.

Especially after the experience she had with the last one…

It wasn’t anything _too_ horrendous, she would think.

I mean, he didn’t do anything physically, at least, she would tell herself.

But what he did do, did, it would seem, leave…leave a lasting impact.

It was probably about the third or fifth appointment that it _happened_ , so to speak.

(It’s hard to describe, she thought, when it’s not actions, but just words.)

It was kind of early on, but not the first or second appointment.

In other words, she had already done all the intake forms, and a whole bunch of tests...

She was there, mainly for the depression and anxiety she believed she had, but she was hoping to talk to him about help with her being trans, too.

(In other words, she hadn’t chosen him because of his competence with trans issues, but she was hoping, well that he was, also, competent in trans issues.)

She brought it up pretty early in the session, essentially right after they exchanged the usual pleasantries.

“Dr. Baxter…I wanted to talk to you about something else…something else about me…

I think, well, I _know_ , that I’m trans.

But it’s just so painful and stressful and confusing.”

She went on just a little further, explaining some of the basics of her feelings – of being a trans girl, and a trans girl in Midvale.

Soon though she stopped.

She took a deep breath and waited to see what the seemingly kind Doctor would say.

Frankly, though it hadn’t been all that long ago, what happened next shocked her so much that she didn’t remember, how, well, how it _started_.

What she did know was that the Dr. Baxter, who she had been beginning to trust, began to ask her about well, sex.

Asking her what turned her on, and, as he _so delicately_ put it, if she was “more of a boobs or a butt person?”

The conversation continued for a brief while. The psychiatrist asking more questions of a similar nature, while Nia would try and answer somewhat evasively, giving short answers.

She was afraid of not answering.

Eventually they talked briefly of some other things, though Nia was so shaken that her answers stayed short and somewhat evasive.

She left and talked to no one about the experience.

She did think about it a great deal herself though.

She thought about how this older man, in a position of power, who was supposed to be helping her instead was asking her questions about…her sexual interests??  
And of course both more puzzling and troubling, was that this behaviour from him seemed in direct response to her coming to him for help with her being trans.

As if – and there it was, what had been the a-ha moment for her back when it happened – as if her being trans wasn’t a part of her identity and gender and something tied closely to her sense of self, but that her being trans was just a sexual thing, some kink or fetish, or some sexual perversion.

And that was what was so scary, really.

Sure, she like many kids, would want to be treated more like an adult at times, but she recognised that she was nevertheless still, a kid.

And thus, she definitely recognised even as he was a psychiatrist, who was supposed to help her, no, _especially_ as he was that, the problem and the frustration that was him trying to not only talk to her about sexual interests in such a way, but to do so in supposed connection with her being trans.

Since then, she was always even more careful about who she disclosed who she was to, especially when the people in question were older.

So, yeah, she knew all too well about the over-sexualising of trans folks.

“Nia?

Nia?”

She finally came back to the present, away from her memories…

“Oh, um, yeah?”

“Are you ok?” the Kryptonian nervously asked. The only reason really that she had known Nia was still there and that the phone was still working was from Nia’s heavy breathing.

Nia took a moment to try to calm down and conducted some breathing exercises.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.

Sorry, I kinda got lost in my thought and my memories because of what you were saying, I guess…” Nia said, trying to somewhat reassure the Kryptonian.

“Are you sure? Your breathing really didn’t sound too good.”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.

Thanks.”

She paused and thought back a bit to what her friend had been saying…

“So, you were talking about trans people like us and, like, how society views us, and maybe seeing us connected to sex, right? Stuff like that?” the Naltorian tried to pick the conversation back up.

“Yeah…” The Kryptonian though, frankly, was still a little unsure about continuing the conversation, worrying about her friend.

“Yeah, well, I guess, I would say in response that it’s kinda complicated. I mean unfortunately, yeah, the world does at least often see us like that – as just sexual objects, almost. But the thing is as I understand it, and I mean it is kind of tough being here in a small town, but the thing is as people, especially trans people like us find their voices and use them, well, hopefully things can change in the way people see us.”

“Oh.” She received that as the immediate, forlorn-sounding response.

“Yeah, I mean it’s not great, and especially being here in Midvale, it can be hard to stay optimistic and upbeat…

But that why it’s important that we’ve got each other, right?!”

“Yeah, I guess…” the Kryptonian replied.

Recognising that she may have just broken her friend (emotionally at least), Nia tried to take a slightly different tact.

“Ok, so I’ve got a little more information I want to share with you, but then we can talk a bit about like, what I do at least, that can help with well this situation that kinda sucks, ok?”

The Kryptonian began nodding, trying to psych herself up for the rest of the conversation.

She then realised that Nia wasn’t seeing her nodding, and so said – “Yeah!”

Nia laughed lightly.

“Ok... So, I mean first I wanted to share some more about the over-sexualising of trans folks like you and me.

So, for one thing…you said Alex talked to you a little…about porn?”

“Yeah!” The Kryptonian’s response came out more excited sounding than she intended. That was really though, just because of how excited she was to be talking to Nia and having this conversation with _her_. Especially as she was now mostly _listening to her_ as opposed to having to create her own speeches.

She appreciated Nia’s experience too – she genuinely seemed quite knowledgeable about these things.

So “yeah!” it was.

Nia laughed a short and nervous laugh.

“Well, yeah, so I don’t really watch it much myself (you’re _technically_ not allowed to as we’re too young they say), but I’ve seen a little and read even more, about, well…

Actually, let me back up a second – I don’t know if Alex mentioned, but like, it’s all fake ok? It’s all made up situations as the way they show the situations is meant to be more…dramatic, I guess.

That’s kind of the important, like, background on porn in general… Because porn I think is anything filmed to show sex or sexy situations, so that can be _a lot_ of things, I guess.

And from what I hear and see, like, porn is also heavily affected by well, the people who make it, but also like I don’t know, society.

So… Like women are not generally seen in a good way in porn. Like it’s often about like de-valuing the woman over the man and stuff like that, or often being violent to her…

So then when you introduce people like trans people in porn who society already, well…”

Nia nervously laughed. Frankly she was pretty nervous in general, trying to talk about this. This wasn’t stuff she often _talked about_ to others.

“…well, doesn’t always at least recognise as people anyway… Well, then you do get porn that uses demeaning terms or demeaning situations, not even recognising, anywhere near to recognising us as people fully.

So. Yeah. I mean, I wanted to tell you that a bit as context, I guess. Like it still sucks that that ad came up for you, and I get it was confusing and stuff, but I guess that’s a bit what the ad was, like, about.

Does that kind of make sense?”

“Yeah,” the girl from Krypton practically whimpered.

“Ok, well and I kind of want to share a bit next about me and my experiences, if that’s ok?

I’ll warn you it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, ok?” Nia continued.

The Kryptonian once again tried to pick herself up and decided she could do it! And hey, she thought, this would hopefully be better as her friend was going to be talking directly about _her_ life.

She gave an “ok,” and Nia then proceeded on.

She began by sharing about the experience with the psychiatrist, again, now though to her friend.

Her friend was shocked and frustrated and saddened about the experience Nia shared. Nia tried to calm her down, but the Kryptonian had gotten her righteous fury back in her.

“There’s got to be something that can be done!

He shouldn’t still be working there!”

And more…

Nia laughed awkwardly and tried to respond even though she was pretty dejected about the whole affair herself, even all this time later.

Nia shrugged and tried to kind of move on. She wanted to impress upon her friend how hard life can be as a trans person (or at least different areas where life would be hard as a trans person), but of course, even doing that ends up being hard for Nia.

  
It’s hard re-living painful memories.

“But it’s still a little bit sunshine and rainbows!!”

It was now the Kryptonian’s turn to laugh.

“Yeah! Well, first kind of as a transition between the bad to the good –” she stopped and laughed at her own, unintentional, bad joke. “– I just do want to share a little of some of my experience, that well kind of I think lines up to yours at least a little.

I mean hopefully we’ll stay in touch and we can chat more about this type of stuff just whenever, but… Well, you said something earlier that really stood out to me and that I related to…”

“Yeah for sure!!” the Kryptonian interjected.

“So, yeah… You were talking about relating to the girls – the other girls, like on Krypton. You even said, you were like envious of them.

Well, yeah…that’s…that’s something I definitely relate to.

When I was younger especially, but even still now, I would, whenever I would get close to a girl… Well, the main time I’m thinking of was when I was actually in the school play and we had to dance as part of it. Whenever we would rehearse the dance scenes, they would pair boys and girls together and well, back then I would then be paired with a girl. And I just remember these strong feelings of desire, but it was desire of wanting to be _like them_. Wanting to be able to look the way they did and wear the clothes they were wearing.

At the same time, it was frustrating and a struggle then, as it just didn’t seem possible to ever be able to look like them or wear those types of clothes. And I mean, hey, life is definitely not perfect for me now, but! I do now wear those clothes, especially at school.

So, what I’m trying to say is that I get it in a way, and hey it may not get all better, but it _will_ , hopefully, get better. Ok?”

“Yeah…ok…” The Kryptonian was sounding a little more upbeat but you could still tell to hear her that she was saddened and a little discombobulated.

“And on that note! I want to talk a bit to you about ‘coping strategies,’ as they say. Like ways to help with all this crazy, messed up stuff we’ve got to deal with.”

“Oh nice! Yeah.” The Kryptonian responded a little more eagerly now.

“Ok. Well, actually I don’t have tons of ideas in a way – the main thing is just distraction. That’s the biggest thing I’ve found that’s helpful.

Like really, I basically just live my life trying to go from one distraction to the next. Like to me it’s helpful whether it’s someone being really mean about you being trans or you’re just bored by the teacher at school, just try to distract yourself.

And so, the thing is you’ve got to have your own special oeuvre (I just learned that word!) of skills that you can use. Like for me – I love my music, especially showtunes, listening to podcasts, watching movies, tv shows, and YouTube, reading books, and also just daydreaming. Some of those might be good for you, too, but there might be other things that work well for you, too.

Does that make sense? Does that sound helpful?”

“Yeah…yeah I think so!

I mean in a way it sounds like it kinda sucks, though. I mean, that’s it? You just go from one distraction to another?”

“Yeah, not gonna’ lie, it kinda does...but it’s the best thing I’ve found so far,” Nia responded.

After that heavy discussion they both decided to wind down their chat.

They not too long later said their goodbyes and hung up the line, each of them sighing heavily as they did so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THAT SAME EVENING  
THE DANVERS RESIDENCE

The Kryptonian looked around her and suddenly got worried. She realised she had gone outside in the snow (where she had stayed chatting with Nia for a long while) with nothing but her regular clothes – no coat, mittens, hat or the like. Of course, with her Kryptonian physiology she was fine, but she knew if anyone saw her, well, it might be trouble.

She sighed and proceeded to walk back towards the house.

As soon as she got inside though, Eliza pounced and proceeded to give her a seemingly-forever-long lecture about keeping herself safe and not blowing her cover that she was just a human.

Of course, Eliza had to make certain (though really it was unintentional) that the speech was highly gendered, frequently making reference to her youngest daughter needing to keep the world thinking she was “just a normal boy,” and whatnot.

For her part, the Kryptonian mostly kept quiet and stood there nervously.

Eventually, she was free and rushed upstairs.

As she approached the room, she shared with her sister she heard the sounds of Burl Ives that Alex had left playing:

_“…_

_Have a holly jolly Christmas_

_And when you walk down the street_

_Say hello to friends you know_

_And everyone you meet_

_…”_

She smiled to herself as she opened the door and stepped in.

She then felt the vibration of a notification from her phone in her back pocket.

She pulled it out to see a new message from Nia.

_“Hey thanks for the chat I really appreciated sharing w/you and you sharing w/me. Thanks._

_Hopefully we can stay in touch and have more chats._

_?”_

She smiled at the message.

Yeah, she thought, though there were _a lot_ of feelings that were let out in the conversation, a lot of hard to talk about feelings… Yeah, even with all that, she did feel like she really wanted a friendship with Nia. She wanted to be able to just chat freely like she had just done, with her.

She sent back a short, _“Yeah, definitely,”_ and crashed onto her bed.

She knew Alex would want at least a bit of a rundown, and so she waited for Alex to return shortly to the room.

While she waited for Alex to come back, she sat there on her bed and thought to herself.

Yeah, she thought, stuff, life, was pretty crazy and hard right now, but really, she had Nia, and well, she had Alex. With them life wasn’t so bad. With them she might still have a good Christmas.

May it be Rao’s will, she thought, with a smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading this and sticking with me!! Thank you for any and all of your comments and kudos!!!
> 
> Just a couple more notes, down here:
> 
> One, though I already said it on my Tumblr (feel free to follow at wemakeourownhope), I just wanted to let folks know, for whatever it matters, that the experience Nia had and that she describes in this chapter with the psychiatrist is very real. It happened to me when I was around her age.  
> I changed the Dr.’s name slightly, but I hardly even know why - definitely not a fan of him.
> 
> I guess I just wanted to share that, because well, as much as this is a work of fiction, and, well, fan fiction (hopefully apparently so), it is heavily influenced by my own life as a trans person and trans woman specifically. 
> 
> I’ve sometimes second-guessed my writing of this story because it’s “not entrenched in Supergirl-ness as much as it should be,” but really when it comes down to it, this story, the story you are reading is the story I want to tell.  
> I see lots of other writers writing a lot of other fanfics including Supergirl ones, that are arguably more entrenched in lore and Supergirl-ness, but well, as I say that’s just not what this is.
> 
> Lastly, I just want to say, if you’re at all interested in this please stick with me.  
> Not only for what the characters will do later, but for the development of concepts that I’m talking about and introducing.  
> Especially as they’re kids, they don’t have all the answers and they will learn and figure things out and change their minds - so anyway I hope to you’ll continue on this journey with me, Kara, Alex, Nia and more friends from Supergirl!!!
> 
> Thank you again folks!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for reading my little (niche?) story!!!
> 
> Please comment if you feel like it - and if you would please don't be too mean as this my first ever fanfic.
> 
> I'm posting Chapters 1 & 2 right now, and then planning on trying to update every subsequent Tuesday. Chapter 1 is rather short, but Chapter 2 (I think) is more reflective of how chapters are going to be going forward, in terms of length.


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